Husband never tries to spend time with me

Donna - posted on 09/03/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )

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Hi. I'm expecting my first baby. My husband has recently created his own small business and he works maaany hours. Let's say from 8.am until 9-10 p.m. What makes me really frustrated is that when he finishes work he almost every day 7 days a week makes up plans. Eg to go to the beach, hunting, fishing even to music concert. I don't understand why a man who works so long and loves his wife does not try at all to spend time with her. I am suppose to stay home due to contractions. Also, for the last 3 months I am waiting for him to paint the house and prepare nursery room (it will take him maximum 8 hours altogether to do those two tasks). Am I right to be disappointed and sad? I talked to him he said he loves me and of course he wants to spend time with me, but never does so on action. I also asked him if am pushing him or being boring etc and laughed and said of course not. Thank you.

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Raye - posted on 09/03/2015

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We can't say why your husband says one thing, but does another. But, from my experience (now on my second marriage) men don't seem to understand our unspoken timelines. They say they'll do it, and have every intention of doing it... sometime in the next 4 years. Whereas women have an expectation of it being done sometime in the next 4 hours. It's a constant battle unless you can communicate these timelines to each other. You both just have different expectations. It's that simple and that complicated.

You need to get specific about asking him to get things completed by a certain time. Then leave it to him to get it done. Don't demand or make it a "if you loved me you would do it now" thing. You don't want to nag, but you do need to be upfront about your expectations of completion. Just say something like "hey, honey, you know I'm due in 6 weeks, and it would really reduce my stress level to have the baby's room set up in the next 2 weeks. Could we sit down for a few minutes today and come up with a plan to do that?" If he says "yeah, sure", ask "what time are you available to talk about it?" Narrow it down. Be specific.

As far as spending quality time with you, it's the same thing. He will need some time to do his own thing (besides work). But you also need time together, and need to tell him specifically *and nicely* what you need. Sorry, it's not so romantic to have to spell it out to your sweetie, but guys are dense. Subtlety doesn't work, hints don't work, suggestions don't work. You need to say "hey, honey, I would love to hang out and cuddle on the couch while watching a movie with you. How about 8 o'clock Friday? I'll make the popcorn." Then on Friday, remind him a few hours beforehand about your date by saying something like "I'm excited about spending time with you tonight".

If something ever happens where he has to back out of plans, let him know that you're upset over the change but you understand it can sometimes happen. Then nail down a specific time when he WILL be able to complete the plans. If he keeps showing a pattern of bailing out even when you have clarified your expectations, then you might have a bigger problem. But usually, when they start getting the hang of clarifying and following through, it gets a lot better.

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