Husband requires Dr.s note to stop sex

Default - posted on 03/31/2015 ( 29 moms have responded )

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Now that I have your attention disregard the title.

I have been having horrible pains with intercourse for 3 years now. I told my husband REPEATEDLY even offered other things. I have been to the obgyn several times and they kept telling me to use lube. I recently saw a specialist and she diagnosed me with desquamative inflammatory vaginitis. She said I had likely had it the ENTIRE time. Once I reported this news he apologized said he didn't know it was that serious and said he wouldn't ask anymore. The problem that I have with this is that I have been complaining of sex and he only acknowledges that something is really wrong after I get a dr.s confirmation.
Isn't this a jackass move? Like can men really plead ignorance and all the pain they have caused is removed? I don't have any respect for him anymore since a total lack of concern for my body just went on for 3 years now.

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Dove - posted on 03/31/2015

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He's a definite jerk. Sorry. A spouse should have more love and respect towards their partner to LISTEN to them and their pain. It's not like you were saying 'no sex/intimacy' at all. You offered ways to 'connect' that did not involve you in misery. If you want to stay married to him I recommend some serious marriage counseling or you will likely never get past the blatant disrespect. Actually... even if you don't stay married to him I recommend YOU seek counseling. Heck, I knew my ex had raped me once, but it took a year of counseling before I could actually admit and acknowledge that I had been in an abusive marriage.

Jodi - posted on 04/02/2015

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Actually, that is not what rape is. Yes, forced sex is rape, but rape is not forced sex. Rape is also sex without consent. Rape is also when you may be coerced or threatened to have sex. Rape is also if you are having sex under duress. So, no, using the term rape is NOT extreme. This is exactly what has been happening to you for 3 years.

When I was using the term "forcing" I meant it was clearly unwanted.

Raye - posted on 04/02/2015

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It was insensitive of him. That is undeniable. We're just trying to give you a different perspective that maybe you shouldn't resent him for it because there were mixed signals. If you gave in at all, then it could send the wrong message.

Lucitta - posted on 04/01/2015

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Oh ... this is a toughy.

Let me ask, during those 3 years, did you turn him down every single time, or were there bouts of you desiring sex as well? Was it always, and only, painful, or did it feel good as well?
I can see how he could be getting mixed signals from you, which would excuse part of what he did.
However, if you were consistently turning him down, then yes, it is a jackass move.

Raye - posted on 03/31/2015

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I know many women that would refuse a guy going down on her with his mouth. SOme people have been conditioned to think it smells or tastes bad and they have mental hang-ups that keep them from enjoying it and so won't do it. My husband is not real comfortable with me giving him a BJ, and would greatly prefer standard intercourse. He has never let me finish him with just my hands. So, sometimes it not just about the physical sensations, but even with men can be mental and emotional as well. Sounds like neither of you are real sensitive to the other.

I'm not trying to put the blame on you. If you're bleeding and in obvious pain, then yes there is a real problem and maybe he should have tried to "make do" with what you could offer (realizing that you would do more if it weren't so painful).

Dove and I are speaking from different personal experiences, but we both have valid points. Counseling may help you both to communicate better and understand each others intimacy related issues. My ex had the same "seemed to be hearing me, but not acting accordingly" syndrome. He kept saying he didn't want to F it up, but yet he never did ANYthing to resolve the problems even when we were going through counseling.

I feel for you, and hope you can work it out.

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Default - posted on 04/07/2015

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We have a delicious update. Now he is seeing the mother of his first child. At this point I am disinterested. We were going to try the counseling, but i have no control over my vagina not working. Seeing other women in such a fragile time is asking for an affair. I'm over it.

Default - posted on 04/02/2015

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Dove. Where did she find a man to put a woman over the needs of his penis?? Their really should be more like them. Jus sayin.

Jodi - posted on 04/02/2015

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If it is any help, I will share that I went through a lot of trauma in my first marriage. I suffered dreadfully from my endometriosis for a period of time (a few years), and sex was difficult for me. My ex pressured me into sex with those same arguments about my obligation, his needs, and so on. Unfortunately, it did also end up in forced sex as well, after I said no. At the time, I didn't realise that I was being abused and raped. It is only AFTER I finally got the courage put a stop to it and I got into therapy that I recognised it for what it was. He never did, and he refused to participate in any sort of counselling with me, hence the fact he is an ex (although there were other reasons too).

Yes, things did get better for me, I haven't had these issues in many years, but even if I do periodically, I now have a husband who is far more respectful of the issues. But I did suffer emotional trauma at the time without even realising it until I was out of the situation.

I'm not suggesting you leave him. Just that you both seek that help to try and work through it.

Dove - posted on 04/02/2015

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You CAN heal from this... I promise, but you will almost certainly need some help to do so. ♥ ♥

Default - posted on 04/02/2015

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See.. you ladies are correct. Extreme pressure and guilt should never be used for selfish gratification. I never really saw it as rape because he never did anything to "force me to do it. I just consented so he would shut up. you are also right. I am traumatized.

Dove - posted on 04/02/2015

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On the flip side.... I know a couple that hasn't had sex for years because it hurts the wife. SHE would consent, but he refuses to put her through that pain. HE is a real man.

Jodi - posted on 04/02/2015

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Personally, I think the two of you could do with some therapy over this. It is quite clear you are traumatised by what has happened. And if it is likely to happen again, he needs to be able to be more understanding, more open to exploring other options, and less likely to be so demanding on you. Just the way you said "I don't have any respect for him anymore since a total lack of concern for my body just went on for 3 years now." indicates to me that you have suffered great emotional trauma. He needs to get over himself here, recognise this and help to find a solution. And if he can't do that, at the very least, go and get yourself some counselling to help you work through your trauma.

Dove - posted on 04/02/2015

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Jodi isn't being extreme. If you say no... it IS rape. That is a fact. I was actually raped by my ex quite a few times, but the only time I 'count' it as rape was the night I was curled up in pain crying and he wouldn't stop. Consenting under pressure is NOT consent... which it took me a year and a half in counseling, like I said, to realize that.

If you said no because of pain, but eventually consented due to duress or guilt or whatever... it's been rape.

Default - posted on 04/02/2015

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Lucitta. I understand. I have the toughest time seeing how he could have been unaware of the situation. I still struggle to see mixed signals I sent.telling him No, time after time seems clear enough.
let me try this. If you ladies had serious pain with sex. How would you tell your lover NOT to ask you for sex? By the way this lover does not accept hj or BJ's as substitutes. Please tell me how YOU would have told him that sex causes you serious pain???
If you ladies can give me your version maybe I can put thay to use next time. Doctor said some patients are prone to this condition. It will probably come back in the future.

Default - posted on 04/02/2015

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Jodi seriously? Another extreme remark. No, Please if you have no real insight do not respond. Rape is forced sex. What went on here is a lack of serious concern for the pain I was in. Never have I ever mentioned he was forcing me to do anything. The pressure of obligation is what is going on here. That is why I am upset.

Jodi - posted on 04/02/2015

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Well, if you are saying no and he is still forcing you to have sex, that is rape.

Default - posted on 04/02/2015

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Jodi. I have been saying no for years.... For the same reason. PAIN. When i was given my 6 weeks clearance after my son We started having sex. After the third week it wasn't getting any better so I TOLD HIM something wasn't right and started seeing a different Dr. who kept telling me to use lube which did NOTHING because that wasn't the problem. I have been nothing BUT vocal about this with him. It was almost like he thought I was making something up which is even more offensive.

Default - posted on 04/02/2015

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Shawnn. You are so wrong. To top off the fact that you are wrong. You yelled at me. seriously??Every week we have had this argument over sex. He asks and I tell him no because it hurts. He whines and complains about how unfair i'm being and I leave the room. We have had sex only a few times because I refuse to repetitively repeat and plead for him not to have sex with me.

I am not that stupid female that thinks men read minds... I knew that at 17 honey.

Default - posted on 04/02/2015

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Lucitta I have told him week after week I don't want sex because it hurts me. Not kidding week after week. I turned him down consistently and the only times i ever agreed to it was because he kept going on and on about how a man has needs blah blah blah...

Jodi - posted on 04/01/2015

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That's what I was thinking too Shawnn. We can't expect our partners to be mind readers.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/01/2015

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Ah, here's the rub: You say "I'll do my best to believe he really didn't know I was in honest pain". So, you NEVER actually said NO, I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX.

Jodi - posted on 04/01/2015

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I'm just going to ask one question. At what point did you say "no"? If you never said no, then you are partially at fault here too.

Default - posted on 03/31/2015

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Ive told him that we won't speak of this again. I will do my best to believe he really didn't know I was in honest pain. As difficult as it is for me to believe that. My self worth is more damaged than anything.

Dove - posted on 03/31/2015

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Look up low cost mental health services in your area. I don't know what you may or may not have available, but there could be resources out there to help you. If you are unsure of where to look, your local DHS (department of human services) office may be able to point you in the right direction.

Default - posted on 03/31/2015

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I'm looking into Counceling. Basically their is an override over my opinion/wishes with whatever I request of him. He seems to think he is hearing me, but he doesn't act accordingly. At this point we are in a financial bind and I can't find any affordable councelors. I'm not sure what to do. I feel horrible.

Chana - posted on 03/31/2015

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I am glad you found out what the problem is. You can not blame your husband if the doctors didn't even know what was the problem causing the pain. My husband would have thought I was making it up. To be completely honest I have been known to twitch and cry during sex and it has nothing to do with pain. So to blame your husband is unfair, Raye is right he wasn't causing the pain it was the intercourse that causing the pain. I don't know you or your husband but it is my guess that he truly was sorry and like most men he needed proof that it was just you not wanting to be intimate.

Default - posted on 03/31/2015

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If I am bleeding twitching and crying then obviously I am not making it up. plus women come equipped with hands, and mouths... is it so strange of me to think he would want some oral, or a hand job??? is it odd of me to think he would ask for intimacy that didn't make me bleed?

Raye - posted on 03/31/2015

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Sex and intimacy is an important part of a relationship. Yes, he should have been more sensitive to your condition. But he likely didn't think it was something medically wrong, just that you didn't feel like it. Truly, how was he supposed to know if the other doctors did not know?

And, for the record, HE wasn't causing the pain. He wanted to have a normal relationship with his wife. Intercourse caused the pain. Again, yes he should have believed you. But would you believe him if the situation were reversed? My ex and I didn't have sex for 4+ years at the end of our marriage. He was tired or hot or whatever. It made me feel like crap, that I was undesirable. Granted, he didn't claim any pain as being the problem, but whenever something goes on that long, it all seems like just a story and it's just that they don't want you anymore.

I'm glad you found out what the problem was. But cut your hubby some slack, and work on rebuilding your intimate relationship.

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