Husband's affair resulted in a baby

Kathryn - posted on 04/29/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )




My husband of 14 yrs had a 6+month affair with a 24 yr old he works with (he is 41). I found out that he was havving an affair and that she was pregnant all in the same moment. She had a baby girl and paternity proved to be his. I had him court ordered to move out b/c I couldnt stand the hurt and betrayl, btw we have a 4,6,8 children of our own. after a yr of seperation I gave him a second chance, for the kids sake really. They dont deserve a broken family and I do love him. He has been back in the home for 8 months and now the babys momma has taken him to court for child support. He has to pay 900.00 a month and will see the child ( 14 months old now) everyother weekend and once a week. Although things b/w us are somewhat better, I am so resentful of all the money going out to this girl and what emotional harm having this baby in and out of our family, will do to my children. I tried to make it work, but I dont think I can handle all these additional factors that are and will play into our lives from now on. We dont have that kind of extra money, and I cant stand the thought of having to deal with the babys momma. HELP??!


Angela - posted on 06/26/2013




I'm not even going to look into the emotional issues in this .....

But I can see the financial issue in this. Your husband gets your forgiveness and you reunite but as a family, because there is now an extra child (to another mother) there is less money to live on. The problem here is, if you leave your husband, he and his children will be living in 3 separate houses. That means there'll be even less money to go round. But such an outcome would be hardest of all on your husband rather than you or the other mother.

Let's look at your husband's possible options ......
If he sets up home with the other mother and child (not suggesting this is a possibility, just hypothetically exploring it), she would live with him and their child on an income that was quite reduced until YOUR youngest child reaches adulthood. If he sets up home with YOU (as he has done), then you're on a reduced income that lasts a lot longer as her child is still only an infant and it will be many, many years before this child reaches adulthood. It will reach into the years after your own children have flown the nest and you were hoping for good times together as a couple, free of dependent children. Despite the financial burden of the child he fathered out of wedlock, living with YOU and his other kids is what he is now doing. He knew you and got along with you for a long time before he even met this other woman. He knows he should have stayed by you all along and never strayed.

Now everyone's saying that HE was the one who broke vows, and this other lady, the mother of his baby didn't. That's right, she never promised that she would be faithful to you, support you etc .... However, unless she was living on a different planet or unbelievably naive, I'm pretty sure she knew he was married with a family. She was his WORK COLLEAGUE for goodness sake! Not some strange, young, innocent girl that he happened to meet by chance.

I will get slated for this post but I'm going to say what's on my mind anyway .... If it was simply a "fun" affair on both sides, I'm pretty sure SHE would have known she was playing for high stakes. When you're playing for high stakes, you make damned sure you don't get pregnant. But when it stops being a "fun affair" and she falls in love with the guy, she realises she's competing against his legal wife and established family of children that already exist. Since time immemorial, women in this position simply upped the stakes by getting pregnant. I very much doubt she got pregnant by accident. I very much doubt that your husband was in on the plans to bring another child into the world.

And that, is a huge part of the reason he's not sharing a home with his baby's mother. She went ahead with her plans without consulting with him. I can guarantee he would never have agreed.

He's sharing a home with YOU - and together with him, you're bearing the cost of his indiscretion. You can either do your best to shelve resentment and repair your relationship OR you can leave him. I'm pretty certain he wants you to stay. If you stay, you don't have to be in the home when the baby visits, you know!

Good luck.

[deleted account]

You're going to have to deal with her. Trust me, you will feel better if you try to remember that this young woman was not the one who betrayed you. No matter what she did, it wasn't she that made promises to you. Try to think of it this way - that little girl is your childern's sister. Unorthodox as to how she came about but she's their sister. As hard as it is (and I do know how hard it is) try to love her. She is the real victim here. She doesn't deserve a broken family any more than your children do.

And yes, having to pay child support stinks I'm sure a good woman like you would not want this child who already has so many strikes against her go without basics. Family counseling is strongly recommended.

And as nuts as it sounds, try your best to be friendly with the young woman. You can only come out on top if you do. Just remember, you truly won't ever know what he told her.

Let me put it this way. My son was 4 months old when his father left and moved in with another woman. I made up my mind to love our child more than I hated him. I went out of my way to be friendly and gracious with her and i'm glad I did. Any negativity would have been picked up by my child. As it is, she's a beloved stepmother. When they had their son 5 years ago, I was jealous being reasoning. I can't have any more so why should he? Well, I got over that. Now I see my son with his little brother and I'm so glad I swallowed my pride all those years ago. He is so happy to have him.

If you notice, I haven't said much about him. I don't plan on it. I think he is the guilty party supreme here and you're far more gracious about taking him back than I would have been. I'm not trying to get you to remain mad at him - that serves no purpose. But he is the one who hurt you, not this woman. She may have been lied to all along and very likely has her own anger with him. i know that's not easy to feel sympathetic for but make the effort. Again - you have NOTHING to lose if you do and if you don't, you run the real risk of causing a marital rift to widen even further and hurt your children and this little girl.

Louise - posted on 04/30/2012




I would not be able to deal with that situation either, it is one thing having a fresh start after an affair but another to bring a child into the world. The other woman is always going to be in your life if you stay with this man. I know you love him, but do you really want to live with the constant reminder of his affair coming to stay with you every other weekend. Don't get me wrong, I would hold nothing against the child, but I could not live with hatred of what he had done. If you really want it to work then you will have to accept the other woman and the child as part of your extended family. I think you will have to be a very forgiving, understanding strong woman to do that! I know I could never recover my love and respect for my husband, or get over the resentment of losing all that money every month.

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~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/27/2013




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~WtCoM MoD LiTtLe MiSs~

Shonta - posted on 06/25/2013




He needs to exercise his visitations outside the home.if you can't accept the child coming over then tell him and get your respect

Stifler's - posted on 04/29/2012




I agreee wholeheartedly with Jen. What if it was you who had a kid to someone who possibly lied and said he didn't have a family or was broken up with his wife at the time or some other thing? His child deserves money to contribute to her life.

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