Husband's ex and facebook, where do we draw the line?


Jodi - posted on 01/22/2016




I'm not seeing this as an issue. My parents are friends on FB, and still socially interact with my brother's ex, and yet they've been apart for years and my brother has remarried and has more children. The fact is, she is mother to two of his kid, and two of my parents' grandchildren.

My husband's ex still regularly visits my husband's mother and calls her mum. She and my husband split 20 years ago! So what? She and my husband have a child together and she is helping to maintain the relationship with the grandparents for the sake of the child (although now that child is an adult - but her mother is now like part of my MIL's family).

I'm not seeing the issue, particularly if there are children involved. I certainly don't take issue with any of the scenarios I just put to you either.

Also, not all women change their name after a divorce - it isn't because they are being discourteous. It's actually a lot of hassle to have to change a name back. It's common to keep a married name - some choose to, some don't. I think the surname comment was a bit snarky on your part.

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Ev - posted on 01/24/2016




"But here's the kicker - she still refer's to my Husbands family on FB as her "in laws" and calls his mother "Mom", on FB. Please bear in mind we all share the same surname, since she never had the courtesy of changing hers after the divorce, or perhaps she felt it was the only thing she had left of his to hang onto."
~~~I quoted this part because it is easier for me to reply to your post. As I see it, it should not be something to worry over. She was part of the family for a long time before you came along and may still have a good relationship with his family. She is going to be part of that because he and she had kids together, I assume? If that is the case then why is it so much a bother. As for changing names after divorce or during it, its easier for younger children if they have the same last name as mom and it is a pain legally to change your name to begin with. A judge has to sing off on it. I never changed my name after the divorce for the sake of the kids. It had nothing to do with hanging on to my ex or to anything of his afterwards. It was more for the kids. Also referring to his family as in laws...they are kinda in a way. I am very good friends with my former mother in law....she does not like her current daughter in law. Go figure.

"Is it just me, or is this not only disrespectful to me, but just wrong on so many levels?"
~~~~Its not disrespectful to you. This woman shared a history with this husband of yours for a term of years. Kids or not. As long as her relationships with his family were fine and dandy does not mean she should give up contact. How is it wrong on many levels too? I think you should just let it go. Hanging onto things such as this is going to hurt your marriage in the long run. If there are children involved, it could be a lot to do with that as well.

Amy--Its a good idea for people to communicate their concerns to their marriage partner. But at the same time, it is not a reflection on this woman if the ex wife is still in good standing with the husband's family and has nothing to do with her really. If their are kids involved, is it not better that they all get along for the sake of the kids?

Amy - posted on 01/23/2016




Dear Dalzy,
I can definitely see your cause for concern; clear boundaries are important. While you cannot control the actions of your husband’s parents you can definitely express your feelings to your husband and then maybe he can talk to his parents on your behalf. Also, how does he feel about the communication? If he feels similarly then together you can both talk about how you would like to address the issue with his parents? I will be praying that this comes to a conclusion that works best for everyone involved.

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2016




Like the others have said, don't let it get to you.
My parents (divorced for 30 years) are friends on facebook as well as their current spouses. I'm friends on facebook with all of my ex's family, they comment on my photo's all the time. My husband is also friends with my ex.
I also didn't change my name when I divorced, it was too much of a hassle. I only changed it when I remarried.
Maybe if you feel these little things are being disrespectful to you, you need to reevaluate a few things. There are a lot bigger issues in life to worry about that who is friends with who on facebook.

MaryAnn - posted on 01/22/2016




I wouldnt let it get to you. Its facebook. It isnt worth heating up over. Im not friends with my husbands ex, but he, and many of his friends and family members are. She will comment on pictures of my husband, our kids, heck, even pets. Sometimes ones I've posted. But her comments are usually very polite and even thoughtful. If she were to cause issues on facebook, there are settings that could be changed to avoid it happening... Beyond that, she just happens to have a place in your sphere of existence, and thats okay. Dont let it get to you. Its seriously just facebook.
As for the "in law" thing... Just give it up. We dont really have a word in the english language for your children's grandparents who are not related to you by marriage or birth. What she calls them is not really your business. Who knows, they could have been bothered by it, but didnt know how to address it in such public forum. But even if thats the case, they are responsible for their relationship with her.

Dove - posted on 01/22/2016




If it bothers you to see... block her.

Oh... and I never changed my last name after the divorce either. I chose this name (and it's the name of my kids) and I'm keeping it. It's just a name... doesn't mean anything.

Dove - posted on 01/22/2016




They were her family too. That doesn't have to change just because of a divorce.

Granted, I have no contact w/ most of my ex's family and have no desire whatsoever to do so... but he has a cousin who is still MY family and his cousin's children are MY niece and nephews. No amount of years (been 8 now) of divorce is ever going to change how I feel about them.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 01/22/2016




I don't know how long they were married before the divorce. Do they have kids? Some women after divorce do not change their name back because they want the same last name of the children. Totally normal.

Don't be the jealous wife. He divorced her. His family is friends with her. Who cares? Why does this offend you? If I was your friend, and you had a falling out with someone, that automatically means I can't like them?

Are there kids in the picture?

Raye - posted on 01/22/2016




I think you're making too much of it and I don't think it's disrespectful to you. What your husband's family chooses to do is up to them. Your husband divorced her, but that doesn't mean his family has to also. You can't control them, and really what does it matter? If you don't like seeing that stuff on FB, you can block those people.

My MIL still has "family photos" with my husband's ex in them hanging on her wall. I don't get upset about it. My husband has kids with his ex, so she's in all our lives. I'm friends with my husband's ex on FB. And sometimes I will "like" her posts, even though I am rolling my eyes because she's so two-faced and hypocritical. Facebook is not real life. So definitely don't use that as a measure for anything.

Furthermore, I didn't change my name after my divorce. Many women don't, because it's a pain in the ass to go through all that. So you can't make assumptions about this woman that you don't know.

You should feel secure that your husband loves you, that you both are faithful to each other, and not let anything else bother you. If you don't feel secure, then that says more about the relationship between you and him than about anything or anybody else.

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