Husband's ex-wife bonded with our son

July - posted on 05/25/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My five year old son was babysat for one or two afternoons/evenings a month by my husband's ex-wife between the ages of 1-4. She and my husband have a 22 year old (I met him when he was 15) who wasn't close to his father at the time and lived with his mother so it was a way for the brothers to get together more. We also did Christmas's and birthdays together as we have virtually no relatives amongst us, trying to create a kind of extended family. The trouble is, she bonded with my son too much. I tried not to rock the boat for too long (felt pressure not to endanger my husband's relationship with his older son), but eventually lost it with her and told her she needed to back off my son. She basically hasn't talked to me for two years and my son is upset that she is not longer part of the family. She still bonds like crazy with him every chance she gets (my stepson ends up getting together with her and my son from time to time), and my husband supports her saying it was my fault for losing my temper. My son and stepson see it the same way. My son is very hurt by this. He even told me he has two moms and the husband's ex is also his mom.

I see the mistakes I have made in the past (not speaking up about my feelings, not setting boundaries better). Assuming she is going to continue not speak to me, what can you suggest?

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Jodi - posted on 05/25/2013

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What is she doing that is so bad? You just mention that she "bonds too much" with your son, but nothing you have said has indicated she is doing anything wrong. Obviously, it is totally up to you whether you allow her to spend time with your son or not, but look at who you are hurting. I fail to see the problem. What do you mean "bonding to much". Is she harming your child? Or is the only person hurt you? And in that case, maybe you need to consider why you are hurt, and if you think putting a stop to it will make the situation better for everyone.....or only you.

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July - posted on 05/25/2013

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I think the problem is throughout those years she would want priority with my son whenever we were both with him - telling me she needed him 'physically', that she was number one when she was with him, that he got his music ability 'from her', pulling him away from me to sit with her or to feed him. She has a terrific bonding ability - she really looks into his eyes and touches him constantly when she is with him. I could go on, but you get the idea probably. When we had our argument, she told me he would 'hate' me later for losing it with her. She also told me he replaced her son who left home at 18.... I can't help feeling possessive and jealous in the face of this type of personality, especially when he starts thinking of her as 'mom'.

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