husband says i now pay my own bills no job

Mary - posted on 10/23/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I am 38 weeks pregnant with a 2 year old. Married for 10 years. I got laid off from work about 3 years ago. I saw this as an opportunity to start my own boutique. My husband was for the idea we shared a joint account so we used both our money to start. Needless to say this business has not generated as much money as I hoped. In fact I have spent more and i regret this. Long story short we have been arguing lately more than ever over nothing me telling him to leave fan on becsuse am hot, him changing baby and getting upset if wipes were moved from room, the baby car seat belts twisting says am not taking time to put them properly. Today I called him on his 45 min drive home to remind him to pass by store since its on his way to buy bread and milk for baby. He didn't answer the phone. It was not a big deal we leave 10 min from store. My phone was dying so I plugged it and went upstairs to change baby. Needless to say I ended up being upstairs longer and there fore missed his 10calls all within 10 min. First thing he did the minute he got home is shout at me for not answering. I explained that i did not think i would be upstairs that long. He proceeded to shout that I am pregnant I should carry my phone all the time. I just didn't think he had any right to shout. So I asked him what sense it made to shout at me for missing his call when he missed my call. If it was an emergency I would have left a message and would have called the doctor. Needless to say another argument this time he tells me since being pregnant I have answered him back treated him badly so he is not going to pay for my credit card. I need to give him a list of what the baby needs he will buy it otherwise if I put it on my card I pay for it. My sister was supposed to come help me and stay for 2 months. He says he is not buying her ticket. He will drop me off and pick me up at the hospital but will not visit me. He says he will treat me exactly the way I treat him. I am lucky that my pregnancy does not make me sick so I do everything from washing cleaning cooking teaching baby abc's taking baby to library play dates park. Since baby was born he has never taken baby alone I am with her 24 hours. I don't complain because I love my daughter. I just don't think he recognizes what I do. I have told him that i wish he could see that i am pregnant. He says i am not the first woman to be pregnant. Every argument ends up in him reminding me how much money i spent on the business. He says everything I do cannot be done without his money so he will show me exactly how important he is.just don't know what to think.

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Jodi - posted on 10/25/2013

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Mary, your job is NOT to be a slave to him. He has told you that he won't give you money. His job is to provide it, right? Well, he isn't doing his job if he is asking you to pay half. I am not suggesting you stop cooking and cleaning for your child. I'm suggesting you stop doing anything for him.

Personally, it sounds to me like the two of you need counselling. As husband and wife, you need to be a team if you want it to work. Clearly the two of you are not a team because your husband is an ass. The more you write about him, the more I see an abusive asshole.

Mary - posted on 10/25/2013

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I once asked him to help out more his response was he cant come home and make himself even more exhausted. His job is to provide money. True if he can’t respect me now..he won’t respect me later. Well we continued our conversation yesterday where he proceeded to tell me that cooking and cleaning and taking care of our child is not going beyond anything. Apparently I do the above because I also benefit. According to him he has gone above and beyond what he is supposed to do as a man, provide a house, food etc. That even when the business didn’t make money and he came in and helped that was going beyond. He said I am the most ungreatful person when I have a house, food etc why do I complain and argue with him. If he shouts I should be able to rub it off my shoulder because I could be living a worse life. He said if I do not act and do things that make him upset I will not hear his voice/temper. Basically he said I provoke him. I told him what upsets me the most is that he gets angry in front of the baby. I asked him If something upsets him he needs to calm down and say I will bring this subject up when the baby is sleeping. He says I am asking him to not talk. You cant ask me not to voice my opinion in my own house. I blame myself that I knew his character even before marrying him. Is there a solutiion to deal with someone who has a temper?I do not want to feel like I am walking on egg shells all the time. If i forget to return the baby wipes where they are supposed to be I do not want to run to put them back because my husband will get upset. For our children I would like to have a better relationship.

Jodi - posted on 10/24/2013

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Let husband know that he can know cook his own meals, do his own washing, clean his own areas of the house (did I miss anything?) and oh, that's right, the kids are 50% his, so he can do kid duty 50% of the time. Then, follow through. Time to go on strike.

User - posted on 10/24/2013

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Yes he is demeaning u,,he has a chip on his shoulder..but should u kiss his ass so he not act like that? No...U need to be straight wit him..tell him the facts..u entered into the business as a joint venture. It was a business loss for ur family..but wit time and budgeting ya'll can recoup..If he refuses to listen or come up wit solution that u both can deal with then he is not looking for a solution to ur family problem or marriage. Ur the mother of his children and if he cant respect u now..he wont respect u later.

Mary - posted on 10/24/2013

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Thanks Michelle. Absolutely not. It can be mentally draining. Its gotten to a point where before I say anything to him I think is this going to cause an argument. Most times I end up not talking or telling him anything. Last week I was taking my daughter to the park so I asked him to put her shoes on. So he asked if there were other softer shoes than what I pointed to. So I said she out grew her sneakers but I am looking for some new ones. His comment after was oh am sure you can easily find stuff for the store and find shoes for yourself but not your daughter. Would you believe we argued for 2 hours after on finances.I know its frustrating having lost and not having money but do most couples just talk about money. I feel like its time I got a job paid him back his money.

Michelle - posted on 10/23/2013

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Do you want your daughter to grow up and marry an abusive man?
That's what you have done and you are teaching her that this is normal. You either need to get some marriage counseling or get out. No one deserves to be treated like that.
Take it from someone who was verbally abused for 7 years!!!!!!

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