husband sending conflicting messages about having a baby?

Madeline - posted on 12/16/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hello moms. I am 21 years old and have been married for a little over a year, my husband is 11 years older and has already been married and has two beautiful children back stateside with their mother. When we first started really talking and considering a life together I was a single 19 year old with no desire to have children. Two years later, happily married, active duty military cop stationed in Japan I have been yearning and hurting to have a family with him. I have expressed my thoughts and feelings to him and he understands but says he doesn't want anymore children. I don't think this will be a make-it or break-it with us but I want to know if anyone has any ideas to sway his opinion. He is a great guy and this sounds harsh out of context but he has said 'If we happen to be surprised it would be okay' and when he gets tipsy and the topic of a baby comes up he says 'you're the one stopping it, I keep trying'.. I don't want to skip a few pills during a week I'm fertile and have to act surprised if I get pregnant becuase he doesn't want to be blunt with me. If there are any moms with advice I would greatly appreciate it.

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Madeline - posted on 12/17/2012

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We have talked about getting him tested before and he has expressed interest in getting it done, unlike every other aspect in his life there is no follow through. I believe he doesn't want to find out that 'It was his fault' she has the disease. Although no one else would see it like that.

I have thought this all over quite a bit and understand the situation. I am looking for advice from people as to how I can coax his honest stance out without being forceful. Ideally I would love for him to tell me he would like a child. I am a blunt and sometimes forceful person when there is something I want and am trying to stay away from a situation where he feels forced.

I am also very opposed to 'accidently' forgetting to take my BC in case I am mis-interpreting his signs. I also don't want to loose out on the fun and exitement of planning and trying for a child.

JD - posted on 12/16/2012

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I can understand that. I do think it sounds like that's the case. His heart, in wanting another child, is at battle with his brain logically deciding that he should not want another one. I think that if the two of can make a decision, he should see a doctor and get medically checked to see if he is a carrier or possibilities of risk to future children. As far as the guilt he may be feeling, only he can do something about that. He married you for a reason, only he can decide if he feels comfortable with bringing another child into the world with you. Has he asked his other children what they would think about adding a sibling?

Madeline - posted on 12/16/2012

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JD-
I have asked him in a sober straight forward manner. His daughter has a disease where she has tumors on her brain and major organs, if the right dosage and combination of medication can be prescribed the tumors will grow at the same rate as her body, if not the tumors will grow faster and she could die. I think he is worried he may be a carrier and doesn't want to pass it on.

The best conclusion I have come up with is.. He wants to have a child but is both guilty about the last divorce seperating him from the kids he already has (doesn't want them to feel he is replacing them) and the possibility of having another child with serious health issues.

JD - posted on 12/16/2012

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You need to bring it up to him when he is sober. Have a true heart to heart with him and ask him to be 100% honest with you. Tell him that you are receiving mixed messages and you aren't sure what to think when he says one thing but when he drinks, he says another. The only way you will ever really know is if you ask him.

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