Husband uses kids to make me feel bad because I want to leave and take them with me

Nadine - posted on 12/01/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )




Hi, okay so I am in a position where I want to leave my husband for a few reasons, no he did not cheat and he is a good father, he loves his kids but the problem is with him and I and how he thinks and acts (coercive sexual abuse) I am so embarrassed to put that up but im just filling you in.

so I have asked for a divorce and he wont let me take my kids, he says he loves me and does not want me to go, but how do I stay in a place that I feel lonely and unheard .... he says I must think of our kids and how I will hurt them if I leave.

He said he will change but iv given him two years to change and well he just does not listen...I am so tired of speaking and not being heard, he just doesn't understand, he is a nice person but everything is sexual with him and I cant take it anymore. I am tired, i work full time to, i come home, i clean, sort kids and the last think on my mind it that....

I have finally built up courage to tell him we need to see counselor because i am tired of him using the kids against me, he makes me feel so bad as if I dont care about my babies, I LOVE THEM SO MUCH I am willing to just stay in this marriage so they think we happy. but i know if I stay I will crumble with pain inside, he is obsessed with me and it hate it, even if I go to the shop he wants me to phone him to let him know im there, and how long I will be and so on. yes he is very insecure due to his past relationship and I get that but come on, we have been together for 10 years and I have not once given him any reason to not trust me where he has given me two reasons. so my question is, do I go see a Councillor with him or just leave it and go straight for a divorce or just suck it up and be unhappy till my kids move out?

feel so lost and sick of the manipulation.


Ledia - posted on 12/01/2014




To me, divorce should be your last option, and shouldn't be the solution until you've tried EVERYTHING else to save the marriage first. When you got married, you took a vow and made a promise to be there for each other until you one of you dies. Obviously he still wants you in his life, so don't break your promise until you've tried everything else first, including counselling.....and don't expect counselling to work like magic and make everything perfect in a few months, it will take at least a year or more.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/01/2014




I would leave with the kids. He is forcing you to have sex? That is called rape. Your kids do not need to be in the middle of this, but be strong and get out. You are very important, you are a mom. You are also teaching your kids what it is to be in an abusive relationship. Go to a counsellor either way, but maybe start with a seperation from your husband if you want to try to work it out. People change only if they want to, You cannot force change, and you have given him ample time to do so. Good luck

Dove - posted on 12/01/2014




Counseling. With him if you want, but definitely w/out him as well.... whether or not you stay in the marriage I can not advise, but you NEED to get some counseling for yourself for this situation.


View replies by

Nadine - posted on 12/01/2014




Good morning ladies,

Thank you so much for your advise, I am going to go to counseling and hopefully the Councillor will also advise him as a professional to also go for counseling alone so he can realize he has a problem. I just feel so numb to the fact and i feel like I have tried so much and given him plenty of time to come right, he did for a bit but he has slipped back into it again, the kids are not around to see this I wont have that, according to them they think we are happy, I hide it from them as they are to small to understand what is going on.

he is clever because he waits for them to go sleep, so they dont witness it. I understand I did take a vow and I have tried to up hold it to the best I can but I feel like im going to snap because I cant handle the pressure anymore, the sulking or nagging and begging and making me feel horrible inside just to get me is such a horrible feeling, one is supposed to feel romantic and love not just a piece of meat. he knows how I feel I have reminded him AGAIN how I feel and I want it to stop. He said last night we can go to counseling because...IM meaning me am the one with the problem because I dont love him....I said to him I do love you if i didnt I would not have put up with this for so long but its to much now and I need to start thinking of my needs and wants because its not fair that you (meaning him) can be happy and act like nothing is wrong but I am not happy and I know something is wrong.

I have told him if the counseling works it works and then that great, if how ever I still feel the same then I think we need to get divorced because its not fair on me or the kids. then he went on that I cant take the kids away from him, it will kill him and he might as well die because he will have nothing left. I told him to grow up and not play that sympathetic card and manipulate me into feeling bad, I said if you do that then YOU will hurt the kids because they love you so much and want their daddy in their life. I told him we could still work together and be good parents even though we are not together.

Thank you all for your thoughts and advise, Its nice to hear them because it helps one open up to other different prospective and possibilities or problem solving.

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