Husband wanting to go to the strip club

Lucy - posted on 02/28/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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So I have some trust issues with my husband, I know he would never cheat on me. But I'm super insecure and have been my entire life, it's a bad thing to be! I'm trying to change and I'm going to take classes to try and help. All my previous bf's have cheated on me and always left me to go to the strip clubs or " Bachelor parties" my ex fingered a stripper than came home and made me smell his finger! 😡🔫 So about 11 months ago I went through my husbands phone and saw some screen shots of very attractive fake half naked women in his recently deleted pictures. They were screen shots of escorts and strippers on backpages.com I instantly thought he was ordering these women for a one night stand and this was his answer.. They are for my cousin, he's a swinger and wants to find a hot single girl to do it with him and his wife. So I believed him. I'm also pissed because I'm a 5foot black hair, 115 pounds, kinda punk rock type of girl with tattoos and piercings and all nature. No fake boobs, Botox, bleach blonde long hair, twig skinny and tall, lip injections ect.. Well that's my husbands type, that's his x wife, the pictures of girls on his phone. So yes that made me feel like I'm not his type. I should be happy that he's with me but I'm not, I see him check out other women, watch porn all the time, always googling hot girls with fake boobs. I always look through his phone and I know that's so wrong, I look through it to make myself feel better. When I don't find anything I feel 10 pounds lighter and not stressing. Well two days ago I feel his phone under my head and he's sleeping so I decided to go through it again. :/ I find more screen shots of other hot young women in his recently deleted pictures. So yes he hid it from me. I figured it was for his cousin again, but last time that happened I cried and was super upset about it and he said he wouldn't do that again. I told him he's not his cousins pimp and hook up for other women! So this time I ask him about it and he says it's none of my god damn business and I'm not his mother! Exactly I'm not his mother I'm his wife and best friend. He should be able to tell me anything. I get he's a man and has his guy talk and what not but these strippera and escorts were getting to me. Don't get me wrong I have nothing against those women! I have plenty of friends who are strippers and escorts! So we fight and fight about this and he won't tell me why he has these pictures and he obviously didn't want me to see. It's all my fault that I went through his phone. So if he cheats on me and I go through his phone then it's my own fault that I found out lol so if I don't go through it, it's like nothing has happened. So he tells me that his co workers friend is having a bachelor party and he wants to go. For one he doesn't know the guy for two he tells me he doesn't like strippers and he wouldn't let me have a bachelorette party and he didn't want a bachelor party with either marriage. He says it's just for people to fuck or mess around one last time before they are tied down. Witch doesn't make sense to me either, I don't really agree with those parties but that's just me. So the pictures I found makes me think either he's trying to look like the "cool" guy who has all the hook ups and knows hot girls or two that he secretly wants to go and meet these girls. I'm totally fine with my husband going to bars and concerts and whatever else but when it comes to him paying other women to take off their clothes or gawking over other naked women really upsets me. I feel like he's bored of me and gets off looking at other women. I don't want my husband to spend time with other naked women. I feel when you get married that you guys should have eyes only for each other. I told him if he wants to go that bad then he can go single. If I let him go once then it will become more than a once. We have been fighting crazy lately over everything and divorce is already on the table. I'm more disappointed he couldn't come to me about this, he knows I know girls. He says he doesn't have to tell me anything that he talks with his guys about. He thinks I don't trust him to go, that's not the case I do trust him that he won't fuck another girl but I doubt if a hot naked girl climed on top of him to give him a lap dance he wouldn't push her off. I am a bartender and he freaked when I started working here because he doesn't want guys hitting on me. I recently asked him if I could cocktail at the strip club to make more money and he said fuck no or we are done... So why is it okay for him to go the chiller party but I'm not allowed to work at a strip club?? I am mad he hides these things from me! I found out he watched porn everyday for two weeks! I told him I'd watch it with him but he says that's wierd. Plus I never tell my husband No, I put out anytime he asks!! I give him head anytime he asks! I'm like his own personal porn star! He even asked if a girl could join us.. Witch again I'm not really okay with. I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I feel bad that I'm a controlling insecure wife, he does deserve to be a man and do what he wants. He should be single if he wants that life style. I'm more mad he hid this again, it's the second time this has happened! He lied and hid this from me. What else could he be lying about... I also found in his search history sexy unicorn lol and a chive dating website, he said he used to have it and he got a email saying they miss him so he went in and deleted it. It's just one thing after another with him. Am I in the wrong for not wanting my husband to be around naked women? And escorts?!

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MaryAnn - posted on 02/29/2016

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This changes things.
For your marriage to continue in a healthy way, you both need some counselling.
You dont act as equals, and if there are no changes, you're both better off alone. I cant tell you what those changes need to be, but you have got to trust eachother, it has got to be two ways, or neither of you will be happy. And the longer you are unhappy, the worse things will get.

MaryAnn - posted on 02/28/2016

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Stop looking at his phone.
It clearly is not worth it.
If he is interested in you, physically... Just trust him. Who cares what he's looking at. Some people just like porn and pictures of revealed women. If its not interfering with his life, its not a problem. Remember... He lies down with you.
As for the strip clubs... Same thing. Doesnt sound like its a financial drain. Doesn't sound like theres any evidence he's cheating. Working at a strip club is different than occasionally going. It will interfere with your life. He will be thinking of how the things you have come from men objectifying you. Sometimes plans will need to be cancelled for surprise shifts, etc.
If youre uncomfortable with him looking for escorts for other people, tell him.
If youre uncomfortable with his pictures, ask him to put a lock on his phone so youre not tempted to look. If you feel insecure, let him know. If he's a good man, he will keep you safe from his personal interests, and maybe even try to stroke your ego a little more often... If you know what I mean.

Ev - posted on 02/29/2016

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That is what I read here as well Raye and Mary. Trust issues galore. No respect. No mutual coming of the minds and communication between them. Counseling is a must for them.

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Sofia - posted on 07/10/2016

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Well, you said divorce is on the table...did you start it? Because that's where this is heading. Double standards, lying...You're not insecure--it happens the men you are with are cheaters and blame you for being insecure. Ditch this guy and start making money serving drinks at the strip club!!!

Lindy - posted on 02/29/2016

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I think you already know in your gut the truth to the questions you are asking. You are a wife that should not be insecure in who you are as a person, and you deserve your husband to be fully faithful to you. In marriage couples all go through ups and downs, high times and low times, but the longevity of the marriage will require faithfulness to one and other. You are both much more open sexually then I am personally but every one has their own level of comfortableness. Still, two people marry for a purpose, and there is no sense getting married if you are not going to keep building the relationship together to stay strong. Of course this understanding must be mutual to work.

So no I do not believe you are wrong in wanting you husband to not be around naked women or escorts.

Raye - posted on 02/29/2016

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If there's no trust, and no respect, then it's not a good relationship. You talk about having respect for him, but you don't. You go into his phone, you spy on him. That's not trust or respect. And he's not treating you very well if he only cares about his own wishes. Occasional strip clubs and porn are generally nothing to be concerned about, if he's still tending to your needs. But he's not. You need emotional security, and he's not providing that. He's jealous of you, but thinks it's perfectly fine for him to do worse things. It's not right. So, yeah, you both need counseling, or you need to call it quits. Because this relationship is unhealthy.

Lucy - posted on 02/29/2016

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He also tells me he doesn't like strippers that they are gross and he'd never spend money on them. So I'm a little confused why he all of a sudden wants to go to this.. I saw a text in his phone from his cousin asking if me and him wanted to go to the titty bar with them and my husband replied saying no thanks, me and my wife don't like that kinda stuff. But now he wants to call these escorts and strippers and set it up for a guy he doesn't even know. We were at his cousins party for New Years and the cousins wife flashed everyone and basically got naked. But I was just dancing kinda sexy and my husband got mad at me for it because a guy was starring at me. I can't even dance sexy.

Lucy - posted on 02/28/2016

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No you are right, it's not hurting anything. He does come home to me I don't ask anything of him. All I ask is not to cheat on me, watch porn more than once a week, and pay strippers and be in that environment. Other than that idc if he checks out other women, watch porn a few times, have guys night at he bar or concerts. I think I'm mad because I got married to him when I was 20. He was 28 at the time and has two kids ages 9&7 and was married to another women. He told me he spent thousands of dollars on her and gave her a huge ring and huge wedding and paid for her boobs. He told me after they split up he went to the bar every other weekend when he didn't have his kids. He went to the bars Friday and Saturday night every other weekend for two years and now he says I can't go. I used to be a go go dancer for raves and now I can't go to raves. I married him when I was 20 through a drive through in Vegas and he got me a ring off ksl. I love my ring though. I got 4g back on my taxes and he took all of it besides 800 and every check I get I give to him. I am mostly a stay at home mom, I work at a bar as a bartender I work Sunday-Tuesday night. I never ask my husband to buy me anything or do really anything. I think our problem is the age difference and I jumped into a marriage and two kids. Now we have a daughter together. He also called the cops on me for back handing him for calling me a bitch. I almost got arrested. Then he kicked me out when I was 7 months pregnant saying he didn't want me anymore. A lot of people ask why I stay with him. I honestly love him and respect him. I'd do anything for him and our kids. I just feel betrayed for him lying and hiding these pictures. Plus I feel like he just gets his cake and to eat it too. He gets to see other girls naked and hang out with other women but I'm not aloud to go out with my friends to the bar. He gets mad when other guys hit on me. I told him how I felt and what has to change if he wants to be with me. He just says I don't trust him and I need to let him be a man and not go through his shit. He says I can go through his phone whenever cause he has nothing to hide. Then I do and he gets mad? Only because I found something. He locked himself in the bathroom with my phone and went through it and saw I had a guys number and freaked out on me, it was my brothers friend and I had no idea I even had it. I feel like it's his way or no way. I just am jealousy and I don't want my husband around other women, even naked women. I know how strippers and escorts are, I have friends who do that. They are there to please all guys and give attention and flirt with them, no matter if they are married or not. Anything to make $. I just don't want him to be put into a situation where something could happen. I grew up with my dad sleeping with over 500 women and cheating on my mom and my step mom on the daily, I have caught my dad with 20+ women that weren't my mother. So I grew up thinking all men were this way. I am trying my hardest to be okay with him doing what he wants but I grew up with a dad who wasn't loyal and that was one of my role models. Idk what to do :/ he really wants to go to the strip club with these guys, they aren't even friends they just work together. I don't want to tell him no but I really don't want him going.

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