Husband wants me to get a job..had affair on respect

Allison - posted on 11/13/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




Hi fellow moms! This is my first post and I am at witts end. I have stayed home since my first child was born. I worked a typical job from 9a-6pm prior to that and as a couple we decided for me to stay home...I didnt make enough to warrant paying for childcare. Fast forward 12 years later and we have a 12 year old boy, and 3 girls ages 9,7,5. With 4 kids it is plenty busy. Now all my kids are in school my youngest gets home from kindergarden before noon and the others get home at 255p and 4pm. I am plenty busy around the house..I clean, shop, run errands, cook, do projects like put up trim work , paint, etc. I am very handy and proud of it..and enjoy making our home a home. We purchased a vacation home a year and a half ago and am able to go w the family for every school holiday break and summer...with my husband going back and forth in the summer. We have a comfortable living..not rich but smart with our money for our dreams. Husband does well and has a company he is he is constantly frazzled and blames me if ANything goes wrong. He has no time w our kids..doesn't throw a ball w my son, or spend time with the kids besides watching tv for an hour or so at night. He disrespects me , by rolling his eyes if I ask him to help with for example putting up a light, or taking the hose in for the winter etc..normal everyday house stuff...he has no time for. He works from home so I feel like he is always watching me. I took at nap 2 times this year when the kids were in school and he makes comments.."must be nice"....."what are you so tired from"? I found out this past march he was having an affair with a female co worker for a year...he travled about every 3 weeks a month and wined and dined her w the company credit card of course...lied and told me he was going to california at one point and actually flew to seattle area for the weekend and stayed w her..when I asked he originally told me he was going to cali....but wasn't sure. I eventually found out via emails when I got into his computer and texts. He broke it off w her and switched jobs in the same field, just different company. We never went to counseling and he gave me all access to pins facebook , ids etc. I have seen nothing more except in august he went to a concert w friends when I was in florida w all my kids and he sent a drunk pic of himself to me and to her.....Asked about it and he doesn't remember. He has called me a bitch in the past..said f you,,good luck finding someone have 4 job etc. Makes me feel worthless. Has been ok at times but now he is telling me to get a job...what are your ambition etc. I am quite happy being there for my kids and keeping a home. I am a great mother ....take care of all the bills etc..everything to make his life easy. But I am worthless at times if I don't agree w respect..he told me after the affair he doesn't respect me....advice please?


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Mardi - posted on 11/13/2012




I would say, look at getting a job, or going back to study for future employment.

That would be for your own peace of mind, nothing to do with your husband telling you to.

He could be saying this to you for a number of reasons, two that come to mind is, 1. He wants to end the relationship, but cant afford to have you as a stay at home mum, and start a new relationship or set up a place of is own, or 2. He see's that you need that break from the 'home', more interaction with adults, a life of your own.

Things change, you would know having 4 kids, how much things can change, so 12yrs later, what was a great idea then, maybe isn't all its made out to be now.

You say your hubby works from home, but then that he is away all the time etc.

My partner works from home, and for a change I have been working only part time and then haven't worked the past year, its been a huge adjustment, having him home, but business is going ok and now he has worked his thing out, I'm looking at going back to fulltime work next year, That will be another huge adjustment.

Kathrine - posted on 11/13/2012




Hey Allison I just finished reading you blog and I feel so sorry for you right now. Some people may say to leave your husband and som say stick it out. This is just my opinion and I don't want to offend you. I do strongly believe in working it out which I'm sure you have and that great but there is absolutely no sense for him commenting on you the way he does you are the mother of his children. I know that 12 years or more of marraige is a long time and to just throw it away would be scary and frightening espcially if you don't have a job. There are so many options you can take and I'm no expert in marriage but some things that you can do is TALK No really talk and if it always ends up and arguements try writing a letter or even go out to dinner and talk so you won't feel compelled to yell at one another since you are in public ( I would before hand advise him that you really want to work on the relationship). It takes two people to make a relationship work, but only one person to ruin it. I can understand you are deeply heart by his actions and kudos to you for staying with him in his moment of weakness. You can also try counseling? I have done this from experience and this maybe juvinelle of me but I told my husband that I was going to stay with my mom for a week so h could understand exactly what it would be like if I wasn't there. From clean laundry to just having someone to vent to or eat with was no longer there. I took my son with me and let him talk on the phone and told him he could say I love you and stuff but no I miss you because it could give the wrong message to our child. I'm not saying this is the best thing to do but it is an option and frankly somtimes we all need realty check. I also stay home with my son because of dar care expenses and when we had two car expense and two gas tanks to fill up it made sense that this would be better so I get that . Now that your kids are in school that might be a good idea for you to get out there and get a job for your own sake not because he is bossing you into it. I mean if you live comfortably and can do somthing for the sake of doing something do something you love and makes you feel accomplished. Go back to school even if it is a just a technical school or work at your childrens schools. I know that getting out and feeling involved and talking to other people that aren't asking you to tie shoes or what is for dinner can be rewarding for yourself. Sometimes like us men need to be praised in their hard work and maybe he can appreciate you in yours. When someone espicially if it was my husband would even remotely insinuate tht I'm lazy for not working I'd be quick to tell him otherwise but sometimes like I said before people don't know what they have til its gone and if you started to work yall would have to be a team with cooking and cleaning. Well I basicaly just confused you with my spill out but I have this book at a passage reads this ;Exhaustion

You work hard! And you get tired sometime Exhausted ! But if you stop to rest for even a moments you may feel guilty....because there's always so much mor to do!

But remeber even God stopped to REST. So don't feel guilty about resting when you are tired. You see,because you were created n God's image he understands your need... and encourage you to take time for renewal.

"come to me , all who are weary and burdend, and I will give you REST" Matthew 11:28

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