Husband wants sex; I don't. HELP!

Mazy - posted on 09/20/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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We have three children, 3 yo, 21 month old, and a 5 week old. We are stupidly fertile! The last one was an unwanted surprise, but we are so happy to have her now...only, we REALLY don't want any more this time. However, we currently don't have a form of birth control. Number 3 was conceived while using a condom, so I don't count that as birth control anymore.



So anyway...almost since the day my daughter was born, my husband has been hounding me to have sex! I had SPD, so sex was painful & didn't happen often in the last couple of months of pregnancy. Now I'm afraid of any pelvic pain, getting pregnant again, plus I just don't WANT to have sex right now. I've tried telling him that I'm pestered, climbed on, nursing, holding, caring for three kids all day every day, and I never have 10 mins to myself, so a romp in the sheets at the end of the day just doesn't light my fire. And there isn't any foreplay of any kind; he just wants me to lay back & spread my legs. He's making me mad because he just wont stop pestering me for it! He's starting to sound like an annoying high school boyfriend! If I say "I love you" he claims that I don't & we end up in an argument....which makes me want to have sex even less.



Is there a way to get my libido back or at least a way I can approach the conversation so he'll understand "not right now"?

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Michelle - posted on 09/20/2012

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Why not have fun without the sex? Oral or hand stimulation will probably satisfy him to get off your case about sex. It's also only 5 weeks since you gave birth, he should know that it can take a while to get over the trauma of giving birth since it's your 3rd. IMO he's being very selfish.



I would also talk to him about some form of permanent birth control if you are not wanting any more children. A vasectomy for the man is such a simple procedure. My husband had it done a year ago and it's been great. We no longer have to worry about the wrong time of the month or taking a pill every day.

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James - posted on 04/08/2014

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Asking him to back off for a couple of months after the pregnancy (and I mean 2 months not 20) is perfectly reasonable. However if you don't have your sex drive back after a few months then it may be time to visit the doctor.

Men need sex as a form of affection in the relationship. If you continually reject your husband's advances you are rejecting HIM (you may not think so but he will perceive it as such, and there is nothing you can do to stop that perception.) For men sex is a way to reaffirm the bonds of your relationship. For men sex in a relationship is as necessary as listening, or saying I love you is, and a sexless marriage for the majority of men (there are some men with low libidos that can go without sex but they are the exception not the rule) is a loveless marriage, they may love their spouse but they don't feel that love being returned. Sorry to say ladies but if you love your man you MUST show him physically or be prepared to accept the consequences of not doing so. This can trap a marriage in a self perpetuating cycle of degradation. The less you have sex with your husband the less attached and connected he will be to the relationship, which will in turn make the wife less likely to want to have sex.

Moreover I must also speak to the quality of the love making. Men want to feel desired, not placated. If you are only having sex with your husband to shut him up, unless you are a really good actress this will not be enough. Men don't just wish to just "get off", this is why telling your husband to go take care of himself is not a solution. A man NEEDS to feel desired, wanted. If you are not doing this then you are depriving him of a MAJOR area of affection for him and it WILL cause problems. This is one of the major reasons men cheat, if you are not making your husband feel physically desired you are starving him of a much needed source of affection which sooner or later most men will seek out elsewhere. This is not to mention the fact that it is PHYSICALLY PAINFUL for a man to repress his sexual needs for too long.

You both need to sit down and talk this out, if you are simply unable to get aroused then you may wish to consider going to the doctor or even a therapist or marriage counselor. But sexless marriages are untenable in most cases, at best you can expect a resentful and very grumpy partner, at worse (And more likely) it will lead to infidelity and divorce.

Vicki - posted on 09/20/2012

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would things change for you if he came home at the end of his day and helped you out? Maybe if he helped more you would have a chance to recharge your batteries and relax.

Mazy - posted on 09/20/2012

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He is going to get a vasectomy....we are still waiting on the appointment. Honestly, I want no stimulation whatsoever right now. It would be fun for him, not me, so I don't want to do it. Is that weird/wrong/selfish?

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