Husband watching porn. Am I not enough?

Kensleigh - posted on 03/31/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I just don't understand. Am I overreacting about him watching porn? The more I think about it, the more he upsets me. This has caused so many arguments in the past. Just this morning I walk into the bathroom and he's sitting there watching porn, I can't even trust him to go to the bathroom by himself?! I mean come on, I feel like every minute he's away from me he's watching porn again. I think this is why I'm so attached to him because I'm scared to what he does when I leave. I just rolled my eyes and walked away and he says "Are you really going to be mad at me already at 5AM?" I marched my happy self back in and said "Are you really watching porn at 5AM?! Don't even act like I don't have a reason to be mad" he acts like he is so sexually deprived and puts the blame on me, he gets it just about every other night, is that not enough? Why is he so addicted to sex? When we are having sex, he changed into another person and I just see this look in his eyes and he just looks at me like I'm a piece of meat and he's not the same person, he just calls me his little porn star and I don't even know where to turn anymore?

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Megan - posted on 03/31/2015

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hi,:) i totally get where your coming from! i have a nearly 3 year old daughter amd befor she came along,right at the begining of the relationship i found my boyfriends stash of porn i didnt like it because he always said how attractive smd sexy he found me so to find that to me just didnt make sense:s i thought if im
good enough why are you feeling the need to look at this dirt? i confronted him n as far as im aware he hasnt watched it since.. some people thought i over reacted but for me im strongly against porn when you have a partner to help you out with that kinda thing lol and then i started comparing myself to pornstar women and i though okay maybe my chest is not big enough andmy hair isnt blonde and my stomach isnt toned enough which automatically effected my self esteem so i do get where your coming from and why you have a problem.. it sounds like he is hard to talk to about this issue and seems like hes not every understanding or sympathetic so talking to him would probably be a battle.to be honest i dont know what to suggest which sounds so rubbish lol but i just want u to know i get your problem amd your not wrong for feeing like this!! hope this helps:) xxxxx

Raye - posted on 03/31/2015

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Because he watches porn does not mean that you are not enough. It does not mean he will cheat. It doesn't mean he's a pervert. Watching it at 5AM may be a little much, but part of it may be that he knows it's taboo with you, so that makes it more appealing. My advice... loosen up.

Watch it with him and talk about what he sees that he likes and what you see that you like/don't like. It could be an opportunity to make sex more pleasurable for both of you. "When you do that to me, it feels so good". "That looks interesting, maybe we should try that". Or you could break some of the fantasy so that he might not enjoy it so much. "Oh, that move wouldn't work on me at all". "That's so fake, most women wouldn't enjoy that". Or a mix of both.

Cassandra - posted on 03/31/2015

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Hi Raye, thanks for that - I just want to mention (apparently i didnt ;-)) was that I would never go behind his back - I am on birth control and will remain on it until a permanent decision we both can live with is reached. I don't like women who purposely trap their men with that.

The whole thing about him not "finishing" is a fairly new statement he has mentioned. And, as mentioned, another baby isn't more important but at the same time, my feelings about it are not being taken seriously. He made his decision with his reasons and left me to deal with what is more important. I love him, our son and life but I can't help but feel without purpose. Our son is 7 and was an "oops" so it wasn't something we were ready for at the time but love every min since.

His feelings are we finally getting financially stable as well as getting our "social" life back - he wants his toys and extras back that we sold when we bought our first house etc. Believe me, I understand his feelings but I still am having a hard time. It comes and goes. Plus, we are just starting to have family build their own so there is baby fever around me that hasn't helped. All he keeps telling me is to hang out with my friends with babies... you will get over it.

Also, I told him when we first started discussing his feelings about another baby, that he put me in a hard place of where I have to decide just how much another baby means vs him. And he is going to have to deal with my emotional roller coaster through it all.

It is just starting to pile on now, starting with the baby and going to being constantly told I'm not "fun" to my self-esteem about my weight (plus have had issues with the side affects of my birth control as well) to now finding out he's using cams.

Plus, I don't have anyone to talk to about this that is even-keeled etc and won't just think he's a slug for all of this. I have talked to his mother a bit about this (not the cam stuff) to get insight about where my hubby come's from with these feelings, but at the same time, she can't completely understand as she got her 2 children etc. which was all I was asking for...

(*PHEW* sorry for the long response) its nice to get some of the raw feeling out on at least online as discretely as possible.

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Tania - posted on 10/24/2015

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For women who dont like porn there can be a variety of emotions like being upset ,hurt , disrespected, angry ,worthless . And it's not that he doesn't find you attractive or good enough and that's what us women have trouble understanding
I have been struggling with my husband looking at porn for 20 years now and it's a problem .
He was looking at it before we got together
And I let him know how I felt about it and He told me that all guys do it it's normal it's only looking and I like to look at certain parts of women and it's nothing against me as I'm his one and only and it has nothing to do with our relationship as it's just entertainment .I find it disrespectful and hurtful when your in a relationship.
A few years ago we had an argument about it as he was spending hours on his phone and looking at that stuff and not talk.He has always had a high sex drive sex everyday sometimes more .trying new things to mix it up a bit and said I could approach him any time and he would have sex as he would never knock it back .
He would get angry at me for getting upset about him looking so I then realised that he wasn't going to stop so I thought I would watch some with him from time to time and get involved and see what it was all about.
We have had lots of talks and he just doesn't understand why it makes me feel this way .Every time he is on his phone away from me I know he is looking at it
away from me cause he doesn't want me getting upset .
Then he started commenting on sexy pics of women and searching models and random women to look at .
I had to say something about that as looking and commenting are very different . He understood that and stopped.
I found if I talking in a nice manner he would listen to what I had to say but if got upset about what he was looking at he would get so angry at me say well maybe if you gave me more or maybe send me some sexy pictures and then I wouldn't look at other women .
I agreed on sending him some sexy pics as thought wow this is all I needed to do .
Thinking I'll finally have quality time again with my husband .
Well he lied yes he looked at the pictures of me but still was looking at it all on the Internet ,yes he comforted me with lies over and over and I believed him every time .
I began to withdraw could not believe he lied to me .He thought it was easier to lie and say he didn't look at it as it made him feel better about me not knowing .
Then a few months ago he came to me and said after all these years I finally get it
And I have decided that I am not looking at any of that stuff anymore as I just want you in every way . I thought yeah right a couple of weeks went past and thought i would ask how he was going with it all and he said I'm fine not a problem it just became a habit but I'm all good .
I then thought well maybe he is over it
3 months went past things were a lot better than they were and in conversation he mentioned animated cartoon porn and I was what are you talking about
He said I stopped looking at porn but because this is cartoon porn it's not real people I didn't think you would have a problem with it . Omg unbelievable .
So at the end of the day you don't have to except porn even if other women find it acceptable or normal as this is between the 2 of you . And if you don't like it make that clear but don't make him out to be a bad person and in my case we have agreed to disagree .

Default - posted on 03/31/2015

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Porn is damaging depending on the man. It reinforced this fantasy sex where women submit to a mans every pleasure. You ever notice the lack of oral given to a woman in a porno? No you see her giving lots of oral and getting pounder unfathomable hard. Porn in essence creates a cinema style sex preference. I have first had experienced this ridiculous phenom. men developed the unnatural attitudes towards sex and a woman is supposed to fufil his new cinematic preferences. It is heartbreaking how different porn makes natural loving relationship. It turns good men into hot, heaving, creeps.

He also sounds addicted to porn. I allow my husband to watch porn, but I'm only doing so because he only likes intercourse and I can't right now. I doubt he masturbate more than 3 times a week.

I'm not sure how to help. All i can do is give you a virtual hug. Men are sexual beings and it is really hard to cope with at times.

Joanna - posted on 03/31/2015

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Just because a man is in a relationship doesn't mean he doesn't stop looking at other woman. Be happy he is only watching porn an not cheating o you. Reality is with you fantasy is with the porn.
I say you are over reacting if you want you can always assist him while he is watching it if you feel left out.

Cassandra - posted on 03/31/2015

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I'm thinking the justification of his actions is close to the mark. He has said he wished he played the field a lot more before me, and the lack of fun comments, I'm not the most adventurous in the bedroom in that sense, I know what makes me feel good and what I want to do (I have had some poor experiences before my hubby in the way of boyfriends etc - never had sex with them, but poor experiences none the less). But he keeps saying its one sided.

He wants me to show more - initiate more etc but I think the "lack of fun" comments are starting to get to me in the sense and also, I do suffer from self-esteem issues etc. so not wanting to no do it "right" is always in the back of my mind.

RE: The lack of purpose comment, I do work outside of the home (and though I love my job, I'm not completely satisfied (long story) ) and we live just far enough away from friends and family that we are the "inconvenient" friends/family, plus we are hoping to move so I'm hoping that where we end up will open up more opportunities for "hobbies".. I'm just feeling out of sorts, lack of purpose. My son is 7, getting more and more self reliant (which is great! but hard too) and with my hubby wanting to get out camping etc more (getting toys etc) and spending "money", I just keep seeing at the "money" we could be spending on another member to our family. Right now, due to us trying to sell etc (and doing reno's to do so) we don't have time to add to the family even with more pets etc...

Plus, with my hubby's work schedule, I'm the one who does all the running with our son, that I have a hard time trying to section time off for me, let alone even counselling time. And, I do think that he takes that for granted at times - I have mentioned that to him too.

One thing I have just remembered while "putting this out there", is that one way he told me he would think about giving me another child is if we get a bigger house (we are in a small house), we get a new car and he gets a toy (i.e. four-wheeler etc)... we have the newer car, trying to get a bit bigger house and he is focused on the toy now but I don't think I will still get the baby ... which is something I need to talk to him about too.

I also do have a hard time talking (or starting talking)... kind of something from the way I was raised. (hard to believe after reading these posts but it is true lol - at least I don't speak until I completely trust the person).

Oh boy - this could be one helluva conversation if I can get it all out.

Raye - posted on 03/31/2015

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Well if he thinks you might go behind his back, even if you wouldn't, then there's still a trust issue there. Or, he's saying it to try to justify his activities. Putting any blame on you is not okay. It takes two, and he needs to work on the problems instead of escaping into some virtual world. He's checking out of the relationship when he does these cam things, and that's not fair to either of you.

Your statement "but I can't help but feel without purpose" is a red flag. If you want to stay with your hubby, and he is set on no more kids, then maybe you could find a job, hobby, or project that could be your "baby" and make you feel like you have purpose.

Has he said how you're not fun? Part if it could be the pressure he feels about making a baby, but still not an excuse. Have you tried working on ways for things to be more enjoyable for you both?

Raye - posted on 03/31/2015

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Cassandra, if your husband does not trust you because you want another baby and he does not, then that is a huge can of worms, and a bigger deal than the porn. Why does he feel you would go behind his back and intentionally get pregnant knowing he didn't want you to? Would you actually do that? Is having another baby more important to you than your marriage?

Don't get me wrong, I feel the cam activities are wrong, and if you are having issues in your relationship he needs to face them instead of escaping into this other world. you definitely need to talk about what's going on, and get your feelings out. Counseling is probably a good idea to rebuild both of your trust in each other.

Cassandra - posted on 03/31/2015

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My Hubby watches too (it doesn't upset me too much) however, I have caught him using a cam on a site though and it has just opened up a can of worms.

We only have one DS and I want another. He made his decision that he was happy and didn't want any more - so I've been dealing with those feelings (I love this man don't doubt that). but Now I feel like, so... he doesn't want another baby with me, and lately he only wants alternative sexual activities (supposedly afraid of finishing with me so I don't get pregnant) and now I have seen the cam activities and god knows how long he's been doing it...

It makes me feel insignificant... for though I'm not as "active" as he wants me to be, I have been so happy - looking forward to the next step (and secretly hoping for another baby but working through the feelings..) only to find out he is using a cam to help fill his urges. To me, looking like his way of "cheating" without "cheating"

Has previously blamed me for not being adventurous or "fun".... has admitted to wanting to experience another woman (I've been his only partner, and he my only)... this has just opened up a big fear jar.

I am planning on Talking to him this afternoon, for he knows something is up with me and we haven't officially discussed the cam incident yet.

Any thoughts or opinions before we talk this afternoon? (sorry Kensleigh for monopolizing your feed).

Thanks

Cece - posted on 03/31/2015

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I actually have caught my husband doing the same thing as we have sex more than once a day, it really does bother me and we have also fought about it I talked to my best friend about it and she told it was very common for almost every man to do that as I shouldn't be upset over it... I also would love advice...

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