Husbands just found out he had an 18 year old daughter

Angelic - posted on 10/26/2015 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My husband found out this lady was cheating on him back in the day and kicked her out. She ended up pregnant but after the baby was born refused him a paternity test and left the state. Fast forwarded almost 19 years ( we have been together 13 years) and the daughter contacts him via Facebook. We get the test and it 98.98999% positive! At first it seemed she was exited via texts to start talking to us because we want to be fully involved! But before our initial phone call, she stated she needed more time and space and would call us when she was ready. Meanwhile we are both devastated at the time lost and are so anxious to talk to her and get to know her we can hardly sleep. Meeting is out of the question because she is half way across the states! We already love this girl. What should we do?

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Raye - posted on 10/26/2015

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It is sad if she was sent to a home instead of contacting the natural father to see if she might have had a home with family. But what's done is done. Care packages are wonderful, and although you might want to get her some wants, rather than needs, build her trust by not overdoing it. Get things she asked for and maybe one or two other small things that she might like that she didn't ask for. Don't try to make up for lost time in one swoop. If she doesn't want to talk on the phone, don't press. Tell her e-mail or text is fine until she's comfortable. I can speak my thoughts much better in e-mail because I have more time to think of what I want to say than being put on the spot in a phone conversation. Make her more comfortable and be patient.

Ev - posted on 10/26/2015

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As far as the birthday present, maybe to her that is the greatest idea and it might be things she is lacking too. I recieved some help one Christmas because I was not making much money and was struggling with bills. The Women's group at church sent me a bunch of groceries and a box with hygiene items, a new towel and a few other goodies to name a few. That to me was the best present so I can see here asking for those things for her birthday might be what she wants because she needs it. But you can not push her to contact you or you will push her away and your husband will not be a happy person. Just give it time and let her come around to the idea. Regardless of how her mother is, if you really want something with this girl, take cues from her and follow them.

Sarah - posted on 10/26/2015

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Maybe she is just busy? Don't read too much into her silence. Reach out once and again and wait for her response. Sadly, you can't force anything at this point you have to wait for her to respond. What choice do you have, ambush her?

Sarah - posted on 10/26/2015

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I too, like Evelyn, received a gift from the nurses at the hospital where I had been a nurse's aide that was practical. They sent me good, thick socks ( went to school in the Midwest with very cold winters), shampoo, really rich lotion, lip balm, a nice hair brush, nude undies (I know weird, but I had called once crying cause I got in trouble because my undies showed thru my white clinical uniform) and a nice cozy robe. It was 1989 and I still remember this package to this day. So know that a gift like this can stay with her for her whole life! Give her some time and just gently reach out now and then to see if you can help, or she need anything. Not to the point where she is sucking you dry, but a practical package here and there if you can afford it is thoughtful.
Maybe if you start a correspondence relationship first, a face to face one can follow shortly. If she has been living at a group home for 4 years, maybe she'd like to come spend Thanksgiving with you? Or you could go to her for a short introduction visit? If that seems like too much too soon, send some photos, and share some stories about yourselves. Try to keep it light and IMO don't start up with the...."if we knew about you, things would be different...." because while it may be true, it just doesn't matter right now.

Raye - posted on 10/26/2015

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Giver her time. This is a new thing for everyone, and scary because she probably never knew who might be her father. You don't know what the mother has told her, and she may have negative feelings to try to come to terms with before she can be ready to accept him and hear his side of the story. If you're too pushy to get close to her, you might drive her away. Try to be patient. Try to be understanding.

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Angelic - posted on 10/26/2015

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I do agree with you Sarah about the what could have beens. We told her his side of the story and did all that on that one day but have not done it since. we have tried to focus on getting to know her and vise versa.and me, being a worry wart, just making sure she has what she needs to survive.And she has been very receptive and open but again all of a sudden shut down, so you can see my confusion.

Angelic - posted on 10/26/2015

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i know for sure that what mom told her was not good because she told us. She also said she is not mad because it made her who she is today, what makes me mad is that she never got along with her step father and instead of contacting us, they sent her to a children's home for most of her high school days and now she is in college (paid for by the children's home) 4 hours away from her mom. she has no car and it seems as if moms not helping much at all. She has not asked for anything but i noticed that her birthday was in 2 weeks and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday, she said i could get her shampoo and soap and stuff. I think that is very bad! Everything was going good up until we wanted to talk to her on the phone and she just got distant all of a sudden. I don't know what happened, we are just trying to treat her like we do our other kids, with love and kindness.

Ev - posted on 10/26/2015

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I agree with Raye. Give this time. Do not push it. Let her absorb and get used to this new thing that has come into her life. As Raye said you do not know what she was told growing up if anything at all. Keep communications open though. But ask first.

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