I am a bi-polar mother of 2 boys aged 8 and 10. They have residential custody with their dad in another city for the last three years ago. My ex and I stopped fighting in september last year and have been doing a good job of co-parenting till now. My boys have two weekends here with me on the Sunshine Coast and I go into Vancouver on the inbetween weekends to see them. HOwever, I am tired allot of the time, I do not play games with my boys, I hug them and kiss them and tell them how much I love them and low wonderful they are but more than that I am a dead beat mom. I dont have the imagination or the stamina to follow thru on many projects and I feel like a worthless mothser. Sometimes I can only cope with one thing in a day, and maby thats preparing food for soorting out a difficulty with the boys. Ultimatley, I am so inadequite as a parental figure t hat I would rather not be there. I love my boys so very much, but I feel so totaqlly neg and innadequatecuate in there lives, that if there was a constructive way to take out I would take ilt. Any susgestions appreciated.. I just cant think of any way of removing my innadeqate, self from their lives without scaring the boys. If I could it would have already done it. The only answer I c an see for me is too dissolve but shit what does that leave the f errylnann
Cindy - posted on 08/13/2012
Thank you so much for your replies. I am on medication and under a psychiatrist and have been for the last 15 yrs. I am capable of taking care of their basic needs and keeping them safe even for the half hollidays that I have them. I do let them watch too much TV, and play on the computer too much and feel so guilty, like time time is slipping thru my fingers and I don`t have the energy and focus to make the most of it. I sometimes I feel so totally inadecuate in providing more than what I can it just breaks me down and I become very depressed. My ex-husband is a fantastic father. He plays with the boys, engages them on so many levels, writes them letters to find when they are at summer camp, takes them to experience many wonderful things and they love him to death. I am so very grateful that I subconsiously chose a good father for my boys but there are so many times that I feel such an absolute failure as a mother and with so little to offer them due to my my limitations that I can`t bear it and would rather just not exist. I know they need me even for the bit that I can give and ultimatley I know I wont do anything to really remove myself from their lives, just on some days it gets hard to see myself and my lack of abilities and not fall into feelings of dispear.
Dove - posted on 08/12/2012
Are you in counseling and/or on meds? If not... do it now! You owe it to those boys to be in the best frame of mind you can be in. I'm not bi-polar, but can certainly relate to mental health issues, fatigue, and pain (I have a chiari malformation). If you disappear out of your children's lives you WILL scar them. There is no avoiding that.
At 8 and 10 they are plenty old enough to help you out for the weekend, so that the three of you can still have quality time together. Do the boys know anything about your mental illness?
Watching movies together requires no energy. Reading books, playing games, or doing puzzles requires only a little. Computer and/or video games? You can still have a GREAT relationship with your boys in spite of your issues (I have a friend who is bi-polar... and she's a single, full time mom as of recently).
If you just can not physically handle a full weekend at this point... Sarah's idea of supervised access is a good one. Or perhaps you have a friend or family member that can come by and help out when they are there?
is it possible that you have a share care arrangement made/supervised access? That is, when you spend time with them, the father is around to help you out. It's important that the kids maintain a meaningful relationship with you, if you are not up to caring for them, this would seem like the best option.
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