I am a step mom of 15 months with no biological children of my own. I love my daughter dearly. Thank God we get along. My issue is with my mother inlaw pushing my husband to have a relationship with my daughter's half brother (not his bio child). He showed up to spend the night on Friday and I had no idea he was coming with his sister this weekend. I am upset that I am being not only left out of being notified but also consulted. I expressed to my MI that I did not like her setting up these arrangements behind my back. My hsband is still confused about his relationship with the boy and needs to be left alone to initiate contact on his own if he wants to. She just got all emotional and said she wasn't my mother inlaw anymore. She loves the boy and it's the right thing to do to act like my husband is his dad. What a mess. Am I totally out of line? I don't think so, but my husband is questioning how I treated his mother. If he won't stand up for our family, someone has to. If I had been consulted I would have said that I didn't think it was a good idea. My hubby just got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, is under a ton of stress, I have been staying with my folks till he can get medical treatment and a grip on his emotions. Re-introducing a confusing relationship with his ex girlfriends child should not be happening right now. I think he needs to focus on his core family. Him, me, and my step daughter.
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Angela - posted on 12/13/2012
Does your stepdaughter live with you? Or does she live with her mother? If she lives with you then she does need to have some quality time with her brother, but surely this could be done at the home of their mother?
Ashley has raised a valid point when she mentions the possibility that your husband bonded with this child and was maybe in a father-type role when he & the child's mother were together.
Could I be right in guessing that your mother-in-law has bonded with the child herself?
I also feel that your mother-in-law has an agenda. Quite possibly that she'd like to see your husband back with his former partner!
Amanda - posted on 01/13/2013
We only get to see my step daughter about 2 weekends a month. The mother moved 5 hours away from us. Yes a lot of people have bonded with an love the boy. I am not saying that this should change, only that I be the one consulted in planning time with him, and I do find it annoying that everyone calls my husbad his dad. The mom just got engaged. Time will only tell how this will all play out. We are starting to see a counselor. I just found out I am about 6 weeks pregnant. I do not intend to call my child his brother or sister. It just all gets confusing and is a disillusioned lie. Everyone wants him to not be sad that his mom doesn't know who his real dad is. I get that, but it's not like he has been given any of the rights and privledges of a true father. They just want the boy to have all the feel good parts about having a dad. He was not a part of our lives when we married because he was mad at us.
Ashley - posted on 12/13/2012
i agree that your mother in law should not be the one to set up those arrangements, and it is not her decision whether your husband wants to be a father to this child or not. if she wants to see the child, then she should take him for the night, not you. but, i do have to ask...when your husband was with his ex, was he raising the child as his own? did he love him? does the child have any other father figure? if he loved him and was the only fatherly figure he has, and was being dad to him before they broke up, then he should continue the same relationship with the child. it is not fair to the little boy to think he has a dad one day and then the next he doesnt because mommy and daddy broke up. however, if he didnt play the daddy role when they were together, and he already has a dad, then no, it is not his or your responsibility to have him when the visitation is with his stepdaughter.
Amanda - posted on 12/12/2012
Thanks for the input. I appreciate it. I certainly offended my MIL and I tried to explain my position with kindness at first, I just couldn't get any real response out of her so I proceeded to tell her exactly what I think. This was all over text so that may have not been best. IDK, I don't have issues about texting, but I guess a lot of people think these things should be discused in person. I really didn't mean for the conversation to get so intense and eventually offered that we should talk over coffee, but it was too late. She has an adjenda and doesn't like my opinion bottom line.
How you "treated" your MIL may or may not have been wrong. I can't really comment on that, being that I wasn't there to hear your words or tone. Maybe your husband is right and you were out of line in how you stated your opinion, or maybe whatever you said was unfairly taken very defensively simply because it was confrontational in nature and most people don't like that. However, I CAN give my opinion of your MIL's desire for your husband to be treated and to act as the boy's father, and my opinion is--ABSOLUTELY NOT. The fact is your husband is NOT his father and has no obligation morally or legally to his ex to take care of the child that is not his. More importantly, this could be an extremely confusing dynamic for the boy, and possibly even for his daughter as well. Furthermore, if YOU are uncomfortable with arrangements involving the other child of his ex (understandably so!), then your husband's priority should be YOUR emotional needs, not his mother's or his ex's over a child who is not his. Now, I see no problem with having your SD's brother over on visits with her at times IF and only if EVERYONE involved is comfortable with it. But I couldn't disagree MORE with your MIL that the "right" thing to do is act like your husband is his father, because he is not his father. Sure, a lot of people get into a relationship with someone who is not the father of their child and he ends up acting as a father and being known as a father to that child, but that is when he is in relationship with the child's mother...which your husband is not. Again, nothing wrong with involving your SD's brother in your lives when you're all comfortable with it. But that's very different than portraying to the child that this is his father when he is not.
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