I am a stepmother to my boyfriend's 3 year old son. His mother hates it. Help?

Danielle - posted on 04/27/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Hi, my name is Danielle. I have been with my boyfriend and his son for almost 2 years. We all live together, and have for almost a year now. The bio mother is not invloved for the most part, and is about to have her 3rd child at the age of 19. When she contacts my boyfriend, she tells him it is not right that I live there and has actually threatened me before for living there. Am I wrong for feeling I should be entitled to living with them? I KNOW I have provided more for that child in the last 2 years then she has. She is very inconsistent with seeing him, as there can be 6 months in between visits. I would just like some opinions on this situation, and how to manage this relationship with more maturity between the both of us.

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Kristi - posted on 04/29/2013

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I've been in both pots. My son was raised by another woman, for the most part. Long story...but dad could piss farther than my lawyer could and some other circumstances occurred that allowed for this to happen.

I hate it, because raising him was supposed to be my job. I love him, I carried him and I gave birth to him. But, that is on me. It is not his stepmom's fault that his dad and I didn't work out, it's not her fault that I made some poor choices after we split up or that his dad bad mouthed me all the time. I can't blame her for any of that.

She has taken wonderful care of my son and loved him and treated him as if he were her own. Does that make jealous, hell yes! Does that make me hate her, it would be easier, but no...I am thankful and grateful that my son has a mother he loves and trusts and counts on because she has given him good reason to do so.

Easy for me to say because I am a stepmom and that's how I would like the other moms (two time stepmonster) to think of me...No, I was the "biomom" before I was ever a stepmom. I just truly wanted what was best for my son. Even though I had/have emotional problems and issues, being a raging bitch to his stepmom just because she was there was not in his best interest.

The only thing you can do, Danielle, is to continue to take the high road. Love and care for that little boy. Bite your tongue until it bleeds if you have to. Don't let the little boy hear you say anything bad about his mom, always check around the corner before you vent...little people have big ears sometimes!

You can't make another person change or grow up. I would advise, to the best of your ability, do not engage with this girl. If for some reason, you find yourself in such a situation, be respectful and keep your tone civil and your comments relevant. If she chooses to turn things into an episode of Jerry Springer, change the channel. Tell her, I am being respectful to you, if you can't do the same, this conversation is no longer productive for anyone so I'm out and walk away or say good-bye and hang up. Don't yell or curse or call names. SOOOOO easy to say but if I can do it with my daughter's father and all his next wives, you can do it, too! ; )

Keep your eye on the prize, the happiness of that darling little boy. Kids can give us a strength we never knew we had and we can accomplish great things in the name of love. Hang in there!

Ev - posted on 04/28/2013

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I agree with Little Miss on this and with the fact that you are not step mom yet. Only his dad can deal with the issues she brings to the forefront as he and she have say over the child. Its a good thing you have been there to care for him when she was not and I do applaud that. But you have to understand from the mother's point of view that it is her child no matter how much she is or is not around and she is not going to like it when another female comes into his or her life to care for them. I have had to go through that myself with my ex and his many GF's and two wives after me. He is currently married to step mom 2. They have had two kids together along with hers and ours in the picture. While she tried to enforce her two cents on certain issues that he and I were to decide on I just laid down the law and told her that in no way was she allowed to do those things she wanted to do with my kids (home schooling issues) at the time. She even tries to tell me and him now to do our visitation schedule....its not hers. Talking to this child's mother sounds like a chore for you so you need to have your BF do it for you.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/27/2013

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I know that if something ever happened between my husband and I, I will NEVER be comfortable with another women help raising our children. Aside from the grandparents, I am sure I would have issues with it. Doesn't mean I would not try to build a relationship with her, because quite frankly I would want to know the women who was going to be around my kids....but doesn't mean I would like it either.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/27/2013

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Well, you are not a step mother yet. She may have issues with another women helping raise her child, and that is understandable. I don't care how old she is, or how many kids she has. That is her child and it will never change. So she will always be worried about her son, and want to know he is being taken care of. What does make me wonder about the age thing, is that she was what? 16 when she got delivered?? So was she 15 when she got pregnant? Hopefully your boyfriend was around the same age?

I digress. It was her first child, and she will always love her child. Some mothers can never get comfortable with another women looking after her kid. There really is nothing you can do about that, except be very loving and wonderful to her child.

Danielle - posted on 04/27/2013

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@ Amanda, Yes I have tried endlessly. Always ends up in mockery and snarky comments. She likes to think just because she is his biological mother she can talk to me like s*** concerning him. I do not think that is appropriate since I take care of her son everyday with his father.

Danielle - posted on 04/27/2013

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@ Amanda - Thank you very much! I am just very confused about how to deal with it. I would never say anything bad about her around her son, and I know she does that when he is around her. I just think there is some way to handle it other than being childish.

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