I AM AN AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL MOM

AWFULMOM - posted on 08/23/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )

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I just do not know what to do my oldest daughter of 5 is 14 she has always had tantrums one everyday about silly things she got mad she could not find her hair thing or her brother got more fries today she asked me nicely for the charger for her iphone I said No nicely that I was charging the ipad and she went into uncontrollable ranting raving crying and screaming . I kept my cool at first i said ok now you have to wait 30 minutes she started screaming how she hated me how awful i was that I loved my son more on and on I said ok now it is and 3 hours you are not getting the phone she started just going into fits I could not take it anymore I went in her room and smacked her right in the mouth she said I am running away this is abuse you do not love me I was a mistake I hate you I will never forgive you you are not my mom I want to go to a foster home on and on so I smacked her in the mouth again she acted like she was going to punch me so I wipped her and smacked her mouth again she kept saying I hate you I will never forgive you . I know what I did was HORRIBLE believe me I feel it so deep I said some really awful things to her and her to me . We have fought since she was two (not like this) I have smacked her mouth maybe 3 or 4 times in the last few years but she really is awful she will not listen to me she sits on her phone all the time . When asked to help she goes into fits she said I am going to go to the cops and have them take me and the other kids and ruin your life . But I try so hard to be a good mom I love them with all my heart and soul I pray everyday to be a better mom but I loose control with her and only her none of the other kids acts or talks the way she does . Her dad is with us but drinks a lot and i am always on the definsive to keep the kids and myself safe when he drinks . I know we probably need counceling but after fighting with her I am afraid they could take my babies I would kill myself without them . I just do not know how to control my anger . I do not know how to show her I care anymore or how to deal wtih her outrageous outbursts that has tore our family apart she is also very mean to one of her younger brothers we have five kids and eveything I do is for them but I just can not control my anger with her no mater how hard I tried. She was very spoiled from birth through age 5 when she got her second sibling she has be very jealous even when I try to spend extra time talking with her. She also has trouble making friends I have lost her and the love we had :(

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Jodi - posted on 08/30/2014

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It definitely seems time for family counselling. If she's able to bully everyone in the family including her father, then you guys ALL have a pretty dysfunctional environment. She has clearly learned that yelling and hitting are okay. Everyone bows to her will when she does it, except you, and you are modelling the behaviour to her. Get help, all of you.

LTM - posted on 08/26/2014

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Oh, gee. You are in a dreadful place right now. I can't imagine how I'd feel if I'd ever hit one of my children like that or said awful things. You just might end up having to let your daughter go if there is somewhere she'll be happier and able to heal her wounds. Do you have another relative she could stay with for a while?
It sounds like you both have anger issues that need to be addressed. You probably don't want to hear this, but if you are 'always on the defensive to keep the kids and myself safe' when your husband drinks, perhaps it is time you moved yourself and your children to a safer environment where you can all feel safe, relax and heal together.
You are raising 5 children in an environment that clearly isn't working. You have a responsibility as their mother to keep them safe, and I can see you desperately want to have a healthy relationship with your kids. I think you need to talk to your friends and family and assess whatever options you have to leave your husband (probably easier than getting him to leave) and starting fresh with your kids. Perhaps your daughter will forgive you if you take steps to make sure your future together will be different to the past.
You need to do whatever it takes to make sure that your daughter (and your other kids) grow up feeling loved and cared for, and capable of making their way as independent and functioning adults in time. What kind of adult relationships will they have if their relationships with their parents include getting smacked in the mouth? Whatever it is that contributes to you being unable to cope, you really must change it.
Don't know whether this will help or not, but perhaps you need to consider the following topic for both yourself and your children. http://longtimemother.hubpages.com/hub/W...
If you can stop yourself being angry, you'll stop setting the anger example for your kids. You need to get back in touch with the loving and caring for the sake of all your kids. It is not enough just to have them living in the same house as you ... but you already know that. That's why you wrote this post.
Good luck. Take care. And prepare to let go of your husband. He's an adult and is responsible for his own actions and their implications. Your kids are kids. They need you more.

Lori - posted on 08/23/2014

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You need tools and support, ASAP. Getting professional help when you need it is a supreme act of love. Take courage. Your child is a CHILD and you are the parent. So reach out and find community resources. If you are actively seeking professional help, you should not have need to fear losing your child. In fact, you are losing her by not getting the help you need. Hugs and Prayers for you and your family at this difficult time.

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Dove - posted on 08/30/2014

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Did you call the doctor for a referral for family counseling yet? If not... first thing Tuesday morning you need to do that. If she has run away you can load up the other kids and drive around looking for her... call her friends... call the police... etc...

AWFULMOM - posted on 08/30/2014

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I just had another issue with her but this time I did not get onto her she has been acting so different this year she used to be so sweet loving and helpful now she is so mean to all of us ,she yells and screams ,and just won't stop . Today she went outside with her iPhone and her little sister was playing by her on the porch ( it is closed in) she got annoyed I guess and left the porch and went and sat in the Truck and locked it. I told her to get out of the truck she started screaming how she hates me and wants to choke me. I was so angry but told her the phone was gone for two weeks a few minutes later she walked off down the road barefoot screaming how she hates me and I hit her but I did not I just do not know what to do I can not go get her because her dad is not here to watch the other kids I feel so lost with her. I am not like this with the other kids sure they get in trouble sometimes they sit in time out or do chores they never act this way she has had temper tantrums since she was 2 EVERYDAY i am so stressed out I have to be on high blood pressure medicine . I am started to think she is taking on abusive traits she hits on her siblings and father I am the only one in the house she can not bully or boss around I guess that is why we fight so much . She sees me not get so upset with the other kids but they NEVER act the way she does I am so lost

Phillippa - posted on 08/26/2014

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I can identify with your situation, Children are different and she sounds like my daughter when she was that age and, sadly, she has not changed much now that she's 22. She's also spoilt (mostly by her absentee dad) who gives her everything she asks for. I also made a few mistakes (when she was around 12) of fighting, both verbally and physically with her, and understand that in the heat of the moment it's very difficult to remain calm when your child, whom you love so much can behave so horribly with her mom. I stopped the hitting a long time ago but she still has tantrums, even now, and is very hostile to me sometimes. I have to pray all the time for patience and endurance to get along with her and try to draw out her good qualities. This works sometimes.

AWFULMOM - posted on 08/24/2014

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Thank You all it helps hearing that I am not as awful as I feel . I feel so alone as a parent I work from home and I am always with the kids. I really would not want to be away from them but could use some help from their dad. I am going to talk with our doctor about going to counseling

Jodi - posted on 08/23/2014

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It definitely sounds like you could benefit from some parenting classes or counselling. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are buying into her behaviour and continuing the conflict cycle, which then appears to spiral out of control. Your daughter is right, in that smacking her in the mouth like that is a form of abuse. However, you can fix this. By talking to a professional, you will find you are able to learn to manage these situations more objectively and stop it right where she had the first tantrum, simply by not buying into her behaviour and walking away from it. Another thing you could have done, is rather than just a close ended "No", you could have said "Not right now, but in about 30 minutes when my iPad is charged, it's all yours". It's often about the way you manage situations. I would definitely suggest you get some support, because it sounds like dad is no help. Have you tried to talk to him about how his drinking is affecting all of you? I can see that you seem very stressed and not coping particularly well.

Monica - posted on 08/23/2014

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It defiantly sounds like you need some support that you are not getting from your husband right now due to his drinking problem. That is a big issue in its self that I'm sure is causing you a lot if stress. Some of which you may be taking out on your daughter. It also sounds like you two have a clash in personalities. Might I recommend the book Wired That Way by Marita Lattauer. This book gives can give you come insight into not only your personality but also that of you children and others that you inter act with. It has a chapter for parents about some practical tips on relating to your children depending on their personality type. Hopefully this will help you. By the way awful mothers don't ask for help! And I'm sure your daughter doesn't hate you she was speaking out of anger. But in order to restore the relationship you might want to send her to her room when your upset then discipline her when you are clam.

Dove - posted on 08/23/2014

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If you get counseling on your own it proves you WANT help and want the situation to change. If she ends up making good on her threats to call the police... CPS will get involved in your family... with your anger issues and your husband's drinking problem that is probably something that you would want to avoid. Family counseling is probably your best option right now.

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