I am an older brother seeking help for a "out-of-control" 13 year-old. My mom and Dad have tried everything from moving him to a different school to showing him more love and affection, but nothing seems to work. Please help!

Carlos Eduardo - posted on 09/24/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )




I am not a mom, rather I am a 18 year old guy. I joined this website to seek help for a younger brother of mine who has gotten out of hand. He is 13 years old, disrespectful, verbally abusive, he affiliates himself with gangs, steals and sells what he stole to finance his purchase of marijuana. He's had problems at his earlier school with bullying and hanging with very negatively influential "friends", so my parents moved him out of the school and district to another school and district, where he joined a new gang and was caught by school administrators with marijuana. My mom is absolutely devastated and is under constant stress. My parents have considered sending him to a boot camp, but they financially tied, so that is not a option. I defended my brother every time my parents accused him of theft or substance use, saying that "he was just at the wrong place at the wrong time" or "the missing items must have been misplaced, there is no need to jump to conclusions of theft". However, after being caught with the substance, all my efforts to protect him became for nothing. I am deeply worried about my brother and want to help him, and my mom feels like she can't deal with him anymore. What should we do? Please help us!


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Cecilia - posted on 09/24/2013




I would suggest looking into a group home setting. They do have independent living group homes. Usually those are worked towards though once he shows a regular group home that he can be trusted.

Look up group homes in your area on google. Call them and ask the steps needed to have him placed. This might mean your mother needs to pass him to the state, it does depend on the home.

I will say that it might sound horrible to do but I can say from personal experience they are not that bad. I was first placed when I was 15, not for being bad but was considered unadoptable because of my age and being a ward of the state. The first placement was in a complete lock-down facility. I'll admit that place kinda sucked. Only getting fresh once a day for an hour and so forth.

2 months later I was moved into independent living. I didn't mind being there. I had a job, went to regular schools again and simply had to show up for curfews, submit to drug testing, and keep my grades up. There were 6 kids, 3 boys and 3 girls each in our own apartment with staff there 24/7. We bought our own grocery on a budget provided. I became emancipated from there when I was 17.

During my time there, I was around people who would be considered bad kids, like your brother. Most did really well in a structured place. Some did fail once on their own again. Some survived though. I didn't know one who got worse.

I hope that helps you some. I know it's not a lot and probably not what you or your mom wants to hear or do. It might be the best option though.

Ariana - posted on 09/24/2013




Councelling and drug treatments are definitely good directions to go in.

Unfortunately as his brother your hands are tied as to how much you specifically can do.

Your parents should try to get assistance as to how to handle a unruly teenager. What are the consequences that happen after these incidents? Is it possible to keep him more supervised until he proves his trustworthiness?

For you I would suggest possibly making a 'brothers' day where you two can go do something together that you and he will find fun. It can either be a formal thing like that, or maybe a class/activity you do together (a class may work better as he may think it weird to go on a brother date night thing haha).

You could join a karate class together, or some other club etc. Maybe have your parents assist you and make sure he has to go each week (if he's really resistant but try to make it more like a cool thing for you two to do).

It sounds like he's hanging around the wrong people and making poor choices, it's up to your parents to deal with how to give him consequences and councelling/drug treatments, which you can obviously suggest to them. However for you personally to make a contribution it will most likely be better for you to try to stay an active part of his life in a positive way. I'm sure there is enough negative coming from others that a day out with you every week could be the positive thing he needs.

Or not, you are his brother, so you really are limited on how much you can do. A little goes a long way though, so no matter what at least he'll know he's got an older brother who's got his back.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/24/2013




Exactly what Dove said. He needs to be in counseling, and a treatment program. Some even have sliding payment plans to fit any income level.

Suggest to your parents that he be evaluated by his doctor, and have doc recommend programs.

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