I am becoming increasingly dissatisfied with my Fiance

Alex - posted on 10/14/2014 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I am so unhappy right now. I feel like my Fiance is getting too close with his Ex girlfriend (only for court purposes)...She mothered his two children...But she also completely ruined his life and was HORRIBLE to him for years. Now, the courts are forcing them to interact with each other and I absolutely hate it. Neither of her children want anything to do with her. She is drug addicted, she abuses alcohol, and shy lies about everything.

Today, my fiance took our daughter to the doctor's to have a check up..didnt even TELL me about it...and an hour after it's over...he finally tells me that he invited her mother and that it was "pleasant".

I am SO irritated right now. Things like this have been ongoing and I am so fed up with it all.

I want nothing to do with her, or her toxic lifestyle and I ESPECIALLY want my fiance to have nothing to do with her.

I am about 3 steps away from canceling the wedding (not our lives..) just the stress of planning is getting to me with all of this going on....Until he gets his priorities with our family straight.

I don't feel like he is putting us first...and I would never expect him to do that with his daughter...but absolutely before his crazy ex..


So frustrated.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/16/2014

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Alex, didn't you have the same glitch awhile ago, with the 'user' popping up? I'd go to the bottom of the page, and click on the contact link for CoM. The techie people usually respond fairly quickly ;-)

Also...good luck with all of this!

Raye - posted on 10/16/2014

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If he is not the father of your son, he should not interfere with your parenting of your son, no matter what his experience is. He can make suggestions, but ultimately it should be up to you.

And, yes, if he leaves his kids with you, you need to have authority to parent them while they're in your care. But it still is legally only the bio-parents that have rights to make the big decisions. It feels unfair since you do more actual parenting than the bio-mom, I know, cause I feel it too.

You should come up with a plan where you're both on the same page with how to raise both sets of kids. Equal rules across the board. The rights he gets with your child should be similar to the rights he grants you with his kids, and vice versa. If you're not united, you're divided, and that's no way to start a marriage.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/16/2014

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You all need to get counseling before you actually commit to blending this family.

Raye - posted on 10/16/2014

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Alex,
Step-mothering is the hardest thing I've ever taken on in my life, and I can relate to your situation. Yesterday, my husband had parent-teacher conferences and his ex was there because she is their mother and should be involved in what's going on with the kids (whether she *needs* to be by the court order or not, she *should* be if she's willing). He did not tell me it was happening. I found a letter from the school the day before with a time circled for their meeting, and their mother's name was listed on the sheet as well. When I got home yesterday, he mentioned what the teachers had to say about the kids, but he still never said anything about his ex being there. I am always a little hurt by him neglecting to talk to me about these things, but I know that he was not being purposefully secretive or trying to exclude me, honestly. It really just doesn't occur to my husband that I am affected by these things, even after we've talked about similar occurrences time and time again.

If your man's ex treated him horribly, and he tells you he doesn't enjoy interacting with her, then trust him. I know my husband doesn't like his ex. He would never in a million years ever consider having anything to do with her anymore if it weren't for the kids. But he helps her out and covers for her mistakes and does a lot that I get upset over, because he's trying to create a better environment for his kids. We are stuck with her in our lives. There's no getting around that. And fighting about it (whether it's you and him fighting, or him and his ex fighting) won't help the situation. You need to find a way to be civil toward her and not get pissed at your man. He's trying to do the right thing.

Fact: Where the step kids are involved, you may always be an outsider. I don't say that to be mean or to take anyone's side, it's just a fact that I have had to come to terms with and you do too. Whether you can deal with that fact is what you have to ask yourself. You are entitled to your feelings, but you also have control over whether they sabotage your relationship. Step-mothering sometimes means taking a step back and letting the bio-parents try to parent the best way they can. Try to focus on the things he does for/with you that don't involve the kids. Is he good to you other than the dealings with the ex? Obviously he has some good qualities or you wouldn't be planning a wedding. So, if you can't get past the fact that you will be left out of some (or a lot) of the parenting situations, then you should get out now before you're married.

Just my two cents...

Jodi - posted on 10/14/2014

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"the courts are forcing them to interact with each other"

"yet he constantly involves her in things that really have nothing to do with her...and are none of her business..The courts gave her minimal, supervised visits...Why doesnt my fiance just leave it at that!?"

OK, that first statement you made about the courts forcing them to interact is WHY your fiance can't just leave it at that. So that answers that question.

With regard to involving her in things, what kind of things? If it is ANYTHING to do with the children, it is her business. She is still their mother, minimal supervised visitation or not. She still has a right to know what is happening in their lives.

You need to take a step back. I think you are blowing this WAY out of proportion. How is this in any way affecting your family other than that you are all butt hurt over it? Is it taking away your time with him? Is it taking away your ability to have a relationship with him (other than that you are all upset over this situation)? This actually isn't about how you feel. This is about the mother's legal rights. Not whether you like the situation or not. If it is a court ordered situation, you simply have to suck it up and learn to live with it, and if you can't, walk away. You can't ask him to change it.

19 Comments

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Alex - posted on 11/05/2014

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UPDATE:

Things are looking up....He (out of nowhere) came to me and told me that I was no longer responsible for providing his ex supervised visitation. Thank God!

She is now going to required to pay for supervised visitation if she wants to see the children. ...Which she cannot afford..

The children were informed by their father that their mother would be around a bit less because she cant afford to see them right now..and unsurprisingly, they were happy about it.

I feel badly for her...I couldn't imagine having my son taken from me...or not being able to afford to see him...but, at the same time...she did this to herself. She made a lot of really messed up decisions...

We've decided to push forward with planning the wedding per his request.

Also, my fiance has made extra efforts to communicate with me..even on the little things.

Stress is slowly melting away.

Leela - posted on 10/18/2014

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You are in for a rough ride if you continue your current approach. As much as you may not like the other mother she doesn't disappear just because you want her to. She will always be the children's mother and your fiancé as a result will always have to deal with her. I fail to see how his priorities aren't in order, however you sound a bit insecure and controlling. And after a while he isn't going to appreciate that.

Alex - posted on 10/16/2014

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Ladies, I apologize, I do not know why my computer thinks that I have two accounts. All of the comments from "user" are still me.

I think there may be a glitch?

User - posted on 10/16/2014

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Shawnn,

Currently, the children receive counseling through our church as well as see a private Family Psychologist that I interned with when I started my degree in Psychology. I trust her VERY much. She is wonderful. I have not received any form of therapy since I was 17 years old, and funny enough...My Psychologist happens to be the same woman that is helping our children. Great suggestion, I always thing no matter who you are, counseling and therapy is a wonderful decision.

Raye,

I completely agree with the fair rules across the board. That would eliminate a lot of the boundary confusion in our lives right now. The children have respect for me. (Thank GOD)...If they were disrespectful, this would be SO much more difficult, I think.
Also, I believe that with my Son though, because his Bio father is still very involved....that my Fiance should probably step back a little bit...Especially because the styles of parenting..(his father's and my fiance's) they are just polar opposites. I co-parent very well with my ex. He is a good father...but..he is very ...very ...VERY (lol) conservative with his method of parenting. I just don't know how to juggle my fiance, and his children, and their mother, and my ex..my head *might* explode..just a little.

It's getting to the point that I am falling behind in my work and my schooling. Which, is just...not healthy.

User - posted on 10/16/2014

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Raye,

Yes, yes, and yes. Thank you for giving me this perspective.

So, he doesn't leave me in the dark at the very least. Which I appreciate. He is actually a really magnificent communicator. When it comes to just him and me, he is SUCH a wonderful man. He really does everything he can to make sure that I am taken care of..and I love him and his children very much.

I suppose I just feel crossed or confused about the situation because some days ...he puts me in the fire and gives me all the control in the world..and others, he throttles me and how I interact with the children. It's hard to understand what the boundaries are, because they're always changing.

For example: Most days, I am with the children alone. I make breakfast, take them to school, pick them up from school or day care, I bring them home..make dinner..do homework...shower time bed time.. All of it. So that he can work. I also have my own son to raise too...So I have to be the parent often..I can't NOT mother them when they're in my care..I couldn't ever imagine myself not loving them and teaching them and letting them know when they've made a mistake and teaching them about consequences..I love them like my own...but the moment he gets home..or something happens with MY son..he comes barging in and it feels like I'm being stepped on by him...He discounts my parenting a lot. Every time my son doesn't like a situation and gets upset, I go to address it...and he steps in front of me and refuses to let me handle it. Then he gets angry at me when he DOESN'T (as rare as it is) step in and I look at him like "are you going to handle it, or should I?

I feel like I'm being Yo-yo'd... When I voiced my concern about how he squashes my parenting..whether its with his children or my own...he goes on the rampant about how he "has so much more experience than I do" how "My methods arent working" etc.

Well, d*mnit...if he would let me actually mother my child, maybe there would be progress.

So I feel...confused...and unsure...and throttled...



When it comes to their mother...I trust that he is not enthralled with her...

I just...It grosses me out and makes me so uncomfortable the way she talks to him..and how she is always trying to interact with him excessively and he does nothing to stop it..

I dont know..there are so many things.

I know what I want to do, I just dont know what the right thing to do is...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/16/2014

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How did I cope? I let my husband be an adult and interact with his ex.

Kelli - posted on 10/14/2014

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Put ur foot down stop the wedding and let him know until u feel comfortable ur not going on e/it it has to respect ur feelings if he loves u he will and will see the big pic I had to do it with my hubby tho his sons moms aren't that bad one is jus disrespectful af

Michelle - posted on 10/14/2014

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In reality she IS their Mother and she does have a right to know what is going on with her children. I understand what you are saying about her being unfit but it's not your decision.
Just because you didn't see your Mother after your parents split doesn't mean that was the right thing to do. Children really should have both parents around unless they are a danger to the children. That's probably why the court ordered supervised visitation.
When I talk to my ex about or children we talk about other things as well. That's what most people do.
In saying all of that, he shouldn't be ignoring you just to keep in contact with her.
Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Sit down and have a calm conversation about the whole situation and try and come to a compromise with each other. Be prepared to listen to what he has to say as well though.

Dove - posted on 10/14/2014

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Actions speak louder than words.

How would 'I' cope w/ it? I wouldn't. I don't think I could ever be w/ a man that already has kids from someone else... because while loving the KIDS would be easy for me... accepting their mother and all the potential issues that could come w/ it... would be beyond my capabilities. I already know that about myself, so wouldn't put myself in a position to HAVE to deal w/ it.

Alex - posted on 10/14/2014

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Shawnn,

Thank you for responding.

Well, from a deeper perspective...She doesn't successfully coparent. She is barely capable of pulling the needle out of her arm to have a normal conversation..

That's what is concerning to me...

He says all of the time how he doesnt want her to have anything to do with the children...yet he constantly involves her in things that really have nothing to do with her...and are none of her business..The courts gave her minimal, supervised visits...Why doesnt my fiance just leave it at that!?

I just don't understand....

and perhaps its because when my parents separated when I was a child...that was it. I didnt even speak to my mother...for nearly a decade...thereafter it was when I felt like it..My father completely disbanded her from his life...and maybe I am just wishing that he would do the same.

It is also heartbreaking for me...to see the children be forced to see her...They cry every time they have to go see her..Theyve called me "Mommy" for the last two years...I have encouraged them to just call be "alex" but every sentence they say begins with "Mommy"...they call her by her first name...

I feel like I am losing my kids...I feel like my Fiance disregards my feelings..and I HATE that I don't get a say in what is going on. It makes me sick that I dedicate my entire life to supporting and mothering my family and I get ignored and disregarded in return....

HOW do I cope with that...How would YOU cope with it?

Alex - posted on 10/14/2014

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Dove,

What I find to be baffling,

Is that, She doesn't even have shared custody. She has supervised visitation...Which she is being held responsible to pay for professional services to see the children...There is no reason that they even NEED to communicate. With an exception of birthdays and holidays...Holidays that she doesn't even celebrate because she supports "winter solstice" and all of that.

Yet, they still talk on a weekly basis..and its never regarding the children. Just petty BS. My fiance has displayed absolute disgust towards her because of everything she did to him...he has verbalized it, as well..

But, at the same time...he goes and does this?

I just dont know how to handle it. After helping raise his children, being a good fiance..taking care of everything at home...EVERYTHING...working 50 hours a week and being a full time student.....This is where I feel like I need to draw the line. I cant take it...I feel selfish for even considering putting the thought on the table...for even having a feeling about it all...But I cant just neglect my own feelings....right?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/14/2014

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Honey, you cannot arbitrarily dictate to your future partner that he (or she) have absolutely zero interaction with their ex when there are children involved. It's called being a parent, and an adult.

They NEED to coparent, which is what they are successfully doing at this point. Its not about him spending time with his ex, it is about him and his ex co-parenting the children that they brought into this world together.

I agree with Dove. Either you find a way to handle the situation maturely, in an adult manner, or you get out of the relationship now, because he and his ex are connected for the rest of their lives through those kids. Rather than attempting to cut their mother out of the picture, you need to find ways to maturely interact with her.

Dove - posted on 10/14/2014

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She is going to be connected to him for the rest of all of your lives... so either find a way to deal w/ it or move on from the relationship.

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