I am beginning to really hate my daughters grandmother

Crystal - posted on 01/08/2014 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I have a 18 month old and 7 year old, both girls...their dad is in Jail and has been in and out for the past few years.....I am taking care of them by myself right now, struggling to make ends meet...on public assistance, going to school, getting food stamps...struggling to come up with money for gas to get to school and buy diapers and stuff like that...my daughters grandmother (their dads mom, we have been together for 13 years, since we were 17..) she knows that I am struggling , however she just likes to shower them with presents and take them fun places that I cant afford to take them...sometimes I wish she would ask if I needed any help...she offers to pick up my 7 year old all time but never my 18 month old because she doesn't want to have to deal with the hassle...I feel that its HER SON that's in jail and not helping me with his kids that she should atleast offer to help a little....is that not right?

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A - posted on 01/09/2014

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Have you asked her to watch your kids while you go to work, or is she expected to read your mind?

Jodi - posted on 01/08/2014

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I am not trying to belittle you, Crystal, I am just saying it like it is. I am not talking shit "about" you. I know nothing about you. But ultimately, your situation is irrelevant. Unless she held you down while her son raped you, or unless she arranged to inseminate you without your knowledge, your MIL is still not responsible for your children. Period.

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Crystal - posted on 01/10/2014

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Thanks LalaBoom... and your right I didn't really make much sense at first, I was upset and wasn't expecting people to tell me how it is...but its actually a good thing for people to be honest and blunt, instead of being babied. I appreciate your comments and find it useful... I have decided after reading a few posts to talk with her this weekend about how I have been feeling... not asking her for anything per say but just talking about stuff that's going on...

LalaBoom - posted on 01/10/2014

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I'm going to give it to you straight and if you don't like what I post, simply ignore it because I will equally ignore any defensiveness:

No, its not right. It actually makes you seem quite "entitled."

For one, she did not put her son in jail, HE made choices that put him there.

Two, YOU chose to have children with a man that was/is unavailable.

Three, SHE is not their mother, YOU are. Therefore, kids are your responsibility.

Your best bet is to sit with her and have a heart-to-heart. Leave your ego and simply ask for help (from her or anyone available). Maybe you can suggest that she watch the kids a certain amount of time while you take a breather, or if she could possibly help you with the driving around. Give her options and ask for help, don't throw responsibilites that aren't hers on her and don't ask directly for money.

One last thing:

"If I need something I get it my damn self, I don't ask her for shit....she doesn't help me financially and I don't need or expect her too...."

After reading your original post and then this sentence, you make no sense to me. Snapping at the commenters for answering your question in a direct manner says more about you than about them. People are here to help, not to baby you or be your emotional pillow or to validate your misconceptions about what is "right" or "wrong." Sometimes that requires very blunt observations, which didn't sit very well with you.

I hope you get some relief soon... Good luck with everything!

Benedicta - posted on 01/10/2014

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Hmmmm I understand your pain Crystal, but I will want you to pls take things easy on yourself, try not to wound yourself emotionally so that you can handle the situation well, firstly, you don't have to be angry with the grandmum for getting things for you children, they α̲̅я̩̥̊ε̲̣̣̣̥ your children don't forget, you should be happy your 7yrs boy has opportunity to get to those places grandma took him and if you need any help from her, you can table it with her and plead for her help... I hope she does help you. Your labour on the children will not be in vain by God's grace!

Crystal - posted on 01/09/2014

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I will be done with Vet Tech school in 1 1/2 years...Im just trying to make it till then and once I get in a decent practice I can finally take care of my family the way Im suppose to....I just know that when there dad gets out of jail I have been working my ass off to do what I can now, with the kids and school... I don't want him to screw it up for me, because he has in the past...ive come too far to screw up now ya know...and I am thankful for his mom because everyone is right on this post, she doesn't have to do what she does , but she does...I just need to talk to her and let her know how I am feeling I think..thanks again!

Leela - posted on 01/09/2014

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Crystal there is a saying 'this too shall pass' and it will. I remember being so broke I couldn't eat. That was 10 years ago. Now I'm in a better place financially and I appreciate every meal I have. Breathe, vent, do what you need to. You are not alone, there are so many moms out there just trying to get by. I agree that people on ths site won't tell u what you want to hear, but what u need to. However I don't think it's always said in the best way - it's not what u say but how u say it.

Crystal - posted on 01/09/2014

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yes momoftwo I have a lot to think about regarding there father and the situation that is going on with him...and yes I know that she does not have to help me financially and that I am there provider, I do try my best and I am currently seeking a part time job to cover when I am running low on food/diapers...and while I am greatful for public assistance right now, it is just not reasonable to live off of, which I never planned to be on it as long as I am right now, and I wish I could work really bad....they do offer child care assistance that they would probably pay for but its not anywhere that I would ever send my child, ever...so then I guess I have to suck it up and find other ways.... thanks for the advice

Crystal - posted on 01/09/2014

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Thanks Leela, and your right I am directing my anger towards the wrong person..... sometimes I just feel so lost and alone I just have to take a deep breath like you say....I appreciate your comments though and find it very helpful , im glad I joined this site so people can tell me how it is ...I shouldn't expect to hear that the way im feeling is the right thing, and Im glad for the advice... I will try and talk to her about whats going on and look for other available help ..

Leela - posted on 01/09/2014

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Hi Crystal sounds like you feel overwhelmed at this point and that's understandable. I think you are misdirecting your anger towards the one person who may be able to help you. Your anger should be towards your partner who has made poor life decisions. His mother is not accountable for that. I suggest you take a deep breath and think about the outcome or change you want made. This seems to be in two primary areas:financial and child care. Check if there are any assistance programs you haven't tapped into eg food banks, churches etc. Secondly, you need to have a discussion with her but your approach has to be of appreciation vs reproach. You are still fortunate to be getting assistance of any kind. Explain to her the challenges you are experiencing and without making demands ask her if there is any additional assistance she can provide. Let her know how much your older child enjoys spending time with her and gradually you would like your younger child to have the same experience. If possible, start building a network of other people you can get support from even if its only emotional support eg other moms in your area in similar circumstances. Your situation is difficult but not unique. You can also check your school for additional support- ask, you never know. Lastly, I suggest you have a plan for when your partner is released from jail. Define the future you want your family to have and do not allow him to put you in this situation again. Good luck.

[momoftwo] - posted on 01/09/2014

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Well you wanted to have kids with a guy that's in and out of jail. For one I think you should leave the loser because apparently jail is more important than family.
I don't think it's fair that the grandma takes one kid and not the other and in no way does she HAVE to pay when it comes to anything. I mean if she has a heart and buys you groceries once in a while for you and the kids that's good but she doesn't have to. (that's saying IF she does)
Basically you are their provider/mom, if there's an opportunity to work and get an income while the kids are in school/daycare I'd jump on that right away because I know first-hand (from before) assistance barely gives enough to survive and where I live assistance covers the cost of daycare.

A - posted on 01/09/2014

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my folks do the same thing and sometimes if you really are in a stitch and need help you have to suck it up

Crystal - posted on 01/09/2014

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I don't like to ask her for anything because when I do she throws it in my face/ not necessarily the babysitting part but other stuff....but thanks...I will talk to her I guess

A - posted on 01/09/2014

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then if she would watch your kids on the weekend so you can work and you haven't bothered to ask her then you have no right to complain about how she doesn't help. Maybe she figures you have it under control since you don't talk to her. My husband and I struggle and when we need help we ask- but we don't get angry if the answer is no which it sometimes is. Then we make do and come up with other arrangements to take care of our child. Find a baby sitter or child care so you can go to work

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/09/2014

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You say that you "don't expect her to pay", and yet you're bitching because she doesn't "help you out". That, my dear, is expecting someone else to pay.

She can't help you out if you don't indicate that you need assistance. As Angel said, do you expect her to be a mind reader? Furthermore, you're considering trying to keep your partner away from his kids, so...are you then going to cut off her contact as well? Or still hold resentment that she won't "help you out"?

Crystal - posted on 01/09/2014

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She works as a bar-tender during the week...she has off on the weekends...so working part time on the weekends is really my only option, and the only time she has to get stuff done...but im sure she would watch them both if I asked, and no I don't expect her to read my mind

Crystal - posted on 01/09/2014

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I do not expect his mother to "pay" for our kids at all.....If I need something I get it my damn self, I don't ask her for shit....she doesn't help me financially and I don't need or expect her too....and that's great you have supported yours for that long, everyone has their own struggles....and some are harder than others, all I am asking for is a bit of help , instead of buying "stuff" or paying to go to places, I would like her to remember that meanwhile I am over here trying to figure out where I am going to get money for gas/food/diapers etc...I just don't feel like that its right...and I cant work because I have no one to watch my kids/bring to school/gymnastics etc....

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/09/2014

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The only "resentment" I see in this thread is that of the OP.

Resenting your choices is your prerogative, but it does not give you the right to judge another for their choices. You "supported" your partner for 13 years...well, I've supported mine for 24, and 14 of those have been with a disability. I still don't expect his parents to "pay" for his kids.

Crystal - posted on 01/08/2014

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I am new to this site and came here to look for advice/someone to talk to....and I appreciate your honesty, and I do agree with you to a point.....but I'm really not trying to come off as ungrateful... and no I don't want a cookie for taking care of her son, like I said that was my choice... I do know one thing for sure though... I will not let anyone try and belittle me on this site or off...I can go far and beyond into this discussion but as I can see there is a little resentment coming from the other side so I think I will just end this here. I didn't expect to here all butterflies and sunshine but Im not going to listen to you talk shit about me anymore, you don't even know me, or my situation besides a smidget of what I just mentioned. So on that note, thanks for the warm welcoming to the circle...biotch.

Jodi - posted on 01/08/2014

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Well, aren't you just the martyr? What are you after for taking care of her son for 13 years? A pat on the back? A cookie?

She has every right to go on vacations and spend her money however she damn well pleases!! I'm sorry, but you are coming across as an ungrateful and resentful piece of work!! The fact is, you shouldn't HAVE to ask ANY family for help. YOU made your choices, now YOU have to live with them. So what if you are struggling? How do you know that at some point in her life your MIL didn't struggle? It is her right to now enjoy her life. That will be your right when your children are grown and you no longer need to support them. In the meantime, it is your responsibility to just suck it up. But it is NOT your MIL's responsibility to pay for your life choices. End of story. I don't care how many ways you dress up the same information, it comes down to that same response - it is not her responsibility. You don't have the right to expect her to financially support you, your partner or your children.

Crystal - posted on 01/08/2014

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I understand that they are not her children, they are mine...and yes I am very thankful she does what she does....I am still with the childrens father, I have supported him (HER SON) through all his ups and downs, go to visits every week to see him, bring the kids to see him, despite of everything....if it wasn't for me he would still have been living at home with her, and HER boyfriend wouldn't of been able to move in with her, because they hate each other. I have been taking care of her son for 13 years...yes that's my problem and my choice, I just feel like she is over there planning vacations and going out all the time while I am struggling to survive....and while I know its my responsibility , I am doing everything I can right now....I do not ask her for a dime, I don't ask for anything...but sometimes I don't know what else to do, I have no other family to ask for help...my mom past away when I was a baby and my grandparents raised me and they are old and on a fixed income right now...but that's besides the point...all I am saying is I feel like I do the hard stuff all week, and she comes picks up my oldest on the weekends and gets to enjoy her and do stuff with her while I am home with the baby...yes im jelous and resentful, but I don't feel wrong for that

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/08/2014

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Well, no, it's not right. They're not HER kids. They're yours, and your partner's. Does YOUR mom support you/them?

Be glad that she loves them enough to spend time with them and do grandma things. Some don't.

Jodi - posted on 01/08/2014

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Well, the kids aren't her responsibility. She is not obligated to help with the day to day bills. She is doing what grandmothers do - having fun with her grandchildren. She raised her kids. I know when I am a grandmother, I won't be financially supporting my grandchildren - that is their parents' job. And if one parent can't financially support the child, then it will just have to be the other parents' responsibility. Do you think I went to my ex MIL when my ex stopped paying child support? No! It wasn't HER responsibility. Same deal here.

If anything, you should be glad that grandma is in the picture and that the kids have a good relationship with her.

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