I am completely lost, what should I do?

Carly - posted on 07/16/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I will try to keep this short but it will be hard. I'm also using a tablet so sorry for errors. I am a very private person and I don't know where to turn. My husband is in the military and in November left for boot camp and A School. He was gone for six months and I lived alone with my then one year old. We had family in the area who sometimes babysat. Two months ago my husband got station in Virginia where we have no family or friends. I have never been a social person so I didn't mind. Our family was overinvolved and gave us a hard time so I was relieved. Since moving here I have gradually become increasingly miserable. I miss living alone. It was the happiest I have ever been. the first few weeks here were fine. My husband started complaining about what I didn't do. If I cleaned the house he wanted to know why dinner wasn't ready and so on. There are certain tasks that my husband refuses to let me do but he procrastinated doing it himself. Like hooking up the dryer. He told me he would hook it up so I assumed he did. I did a few loads of laundry and he said not to do any more until the dryer was hooked up and that he would do it the next day. A month and a half later it was done. I reminded him every day. I was left with a huge pile of laundry and the day after he fixed it he came home to yell at me for not having it done. I follow around and care for a puppy and a two year old every day while cleaning up after them and making food among other tasks. Then I found out he was still taking the legal drugs I thought he quit before boot camp I felt hopeless and desperate. He was blowing our money and lying about it. We hardly had groceries or cleaning supplies any more and I couldn't keep up with chores. The more he complained and especially lied, the less I felt like doing anything. My energy was gone because I was too sad to move. Everything was falling apart including our relationship. We use to be best friends. I kept trying to talk to him but he always blows me off and ignores me. I cry every day and he ignores me. I went to the Dr and he said I'm depressed and referred my to a psychiatrist but we only have one car and can't afford daycare so I'd have to take my baby with me. This make some feel like I can't go. I do want to talk to someone so bad. My family blame some for anything I complain to them about and don't want me to move back home. I was diagnosed with depression four times while living with them and they wouldn't get me help. They thinks it's made up crap. My husband got me a sweet card a few days ago and promised things would be better but last night he pushed me and I am back in miserable. There's a lot more I left out but hopefully you get the most of it. Am I truly trapped? I want to get a job but it would have to wait until the baby starts school and then I'd have to save up and by that time it'd be much harder on her. Plus I don't know how I can deal for that long.

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Guest - posted on 07/17/2014

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Where to start....
First, you CAN take your baby to the psychiatrist with you. Many of them have play centers to occupy young children while their mothers are treated.

Second, I'm not sure about the legal drug thing. If the drugs are legal and he is allowed to have them, why do you take issue with him taking them. Usually that means he has a prescription for them or is taking them to treat a medical condition. If he is abusing them or taking more than he should, that is not legal whether he has a prescription or not.

Lastly, A large part of your problem is adjusting to living together again. You had a lot of "freedom" when he was away because your minute actions, such as finishing the laundry or making dinner at a certain time, didn't affect anyone but you. He, on the other hand, was at boot camp with a very strict, rigid set of requirements and commitments, but also a very PREDICTABLE schedule. He didn't have a toddler and a puppy running around pulling him away from his tasks, so it was easy for him to estimate how long it would take him to finish whatever he needed to do. I'm sure you could finish the laundry in a day if you were free to focus on it non-stop, but that isn't a reality for you, and he needs to see that.

Honestly, marriage counselling for both of you would probably be a lot more beneficial for you than a psychiatrist who is just going to listen to you for a couple of sessions then prescribe and anti depressant. See if you can talk him into it. If you cannot, see if your psychologist can talk him into coming to a visit in order to help YOU cope. That way he won't feel like he is being examined and treated, which he might be resistant to, but if he loves you, he should be willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you are happy and healthy, so he'll go, and he'll learn things.

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You aren't trapped, find some counseling and get yourself mentally well. Not all abuse is physical, and in my opinion mental abuse can be just as devastating. If you are scared to leave there are shelters that will take in you and your child and help you get on your feet. This guy sounds like he is controlling you, he's "pushing" you (hopefully not more than that even though that's not really acceptable either), he's neglecting you, he has you isolated and dependent on him for your well-being, nothing about what you have described in you post sounds like a healthy relationship. If he lies about things, it stands to reason he might be lying about things getting better too. Protect yourself, your child, and your mental state. Get yourself some help, and I agree with the others that you should try joint counseling if possible, and if he doesn't stick with it, up and leave.

Carly - posted on 07/16/2014

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Sorry meant to say they are legal drugs. He is allowed to have them but agreed to stop regardless then continued to lie about it behind my back.

Carly - posted on 07/16/2014

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Well the drugs he has used are actually a legal and he'sowed to have them but I'm not ok with it. Especially the lying. I agree that we need counselling or I should leave but honestly I don't have the resources to leave and he knows that . He is willing to do counselling but I don't know if it's ok to bring our daughter and we can't afford\don't know any one here. I would think she wouldn't Ned to hear that though. She is almost two. I don't have a job or savings. I'm a stay at home mom so I don't see any way to leave until she starts school and I can get a good job. That could be a while.

Serene - posted on 07/16/2014

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You are dealing with a man that is physically, mentally, and verbally abusing you. If I was you I would ask for Marriage counsloring and drug abuse substance help. If he doesn't want to get help, I would pack up and leave. You deserve better then this.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/16/2014

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You are not trapped, but you are in a controlling and potentially physically abusive relationship.

If your husband is in the military and using illegal drugs, he can be discharged and incarcerated as well.

I suggest that you suggest joint counseling to him. If he doesn't want to, get out, file for divorce, and move on.

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