I am divorced, a mom of a 16 year old girl who is very socially active. I have met a man who makes me happy. I am gradually working him into my life. when my daughter is gone I will spend time with him at his place, including sleepovers. I never leave her home alone overnight. We have talked about my new relationship and she was ok with it, but the last week after spending time with her Dad she now has a problem with my new relationship. When we had a family meeting the comment was made I am never home, wich is untrue. I work a fulltime job and clean three houses on the side, so my schedule is full so when my daughter isnt home i make plans to do things that make me happy. I make sure my bills are paid ,the house is clean , food on the table there for my daughter when she needs me so why is there a problem with my new relationship?
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Ev - posted on 03/30/2015
There is a lot more to divorce for kids than you might think. It is an emotional up and down roller coaster ride for children of divorced parents.
1) Kids do not ask for this to happen and they do not get the choice about it either; they have to go along with what the parents decide.
2) The world they once knew is gone and most times is never the same again.
3) A majority of kids also become pawns between parents as custody is fought over and that is not a stable thing to put kids through because the parents are worried more about what is in their minds as what is best for the kids, hateful of the other parent, etc.
4) Introducing a new BF or GF is not a good idea for the first 6 months to a year even with a kid who is a teen because they are still trying to deal with the emotions this situation of divorce has brought on and also getting used to two households where the rules might be different and life style is now different. And this is a lot for any kid to take. As you can see their world is upset. A new BF or GF at the early stages is more than a child needs to be dealing with.
5) There is no crime in dating, but even though parents will keep communication going and keep the needs of their child or children met, the kids should be the first priority for a while. Also a parent needs to have some time to heal from their just ended relation ship.
I would say unless a person has experienced being a child of divorce and all that goes with it, they can not begin to understand what is going on and why or how.
I know and understand it from my own children's point of view. They never wanted their parents to part and their world upset. But it happened when their dad was done with the marriage. I got asked by my daughter if we would ever get back together and no matter how many times I said we would not she did not seem to get the message until I told her that when hell froze he would want me back. I hated to give her the blunt message over it. I hated having to break her heart on that. EVentually she did not ask me anymore. I also watched them as their father started dating right after our divorce and changed out GF's every 3 months or so. After 14 months divorce he remarried only to divorce once again another 14 months later and remarry six months after that to his third wife. That was too much for the kids in less than 3 years of their parents being divorced. So not only having watched their mom and and dad divorce but watched their dad do so again and now have had two step moms out of the whole thing. They never once asked for it and they had to go with what their dad decided. I decided to not date or remarry but to make my kids my focus. And they were younger than this girl in this post.
I think it seems like a lot of parents do not think about what their kids need but go on a rebound and want to have a significant other in their lives when they need to slow down and look at the total picture.
Robin - posted on 03/30/2015
Nicely put, Evelyn. You are so right on. I thought I was letting her deal with it on her own, but now I see I need to step it up a notch with her. She is a great kid I know she is dealing with a lot. I have realized that even though she looks like an adult she is still a little child who wants her Mommy, I am 41 and still have times where I need to talk to my Mom. The situation is unfortunate and something that is new to all of us. I told her we are in this together meaning her and I and her Dad , no one else. I am putting the brakes on my relationship with the bf. We will still see each other but in moderation. He is 100% supportive with this which means a lot to me. I never realized how deeply this divorce has affected her. We both have a lot to learn. Thanks for the wisdom.
Ev - posted on 03/29/2015
I guess it is more like a triple whammy then because not only is she dealing with being a teen girl and a divorce but again with mom dating someone and meeting him so soon after the dating started. She may not be ready for this yet. Most people here that have answered the question on dating and introducing the kids to the new BF or GF has been at least 6 months to be sure the person is serious about you and the kids. Your daughter is a package deal with you and she may just not be ready for a new man in mom's life yet. Its so much harder on the kids no matter their ages when the parents separate, divorce, and then move on because they do not have any say in the matter nor do they have much choice. No one asked them what they thought of things. Kids just have a harder time with all this than the parents do. I understand this from experience through my kids' description of life with their dad's other two wives after me.
Ev - posted on 03/30/2015
You are welcome. I got divorced 13 years ago this year. It was not an easy chapter of my life and its not for anyone else especially when children are involved. Children take things a lot harder. I know you are also trying to swim in this too. If you ever need a ear just leave me a message here on my messages.
Kay - posted on 03/29/2015
How long have you been divorced? If you are taking care of her needs I don't see why this is an issue. You've been seeing him 4 months... There's no crime in dating. Just keep communication open and reassure her that no matter what she is your priority.
Robin - posted on 03/29/2015
We. Have been dating since November, but she just met him this month. I let her decide when she wanted to meet him. She has told me she is ok with our divorce and that it is for the best. Evelyn, I agree with you, I think she did have some hope of us getting back together. She still has times where she is angry with the both of us. We both just let her vent and get it out, then she is ok for a while. I understand she has a double whammy 1. being a teenage girl and 2. dealing with the divorce. I just have to remind myself to have extra patience.
Ev - posted on 03/28/2015
I do not know how long you have been divorced, but maybe she just is not comfortable with that idea that mom is dating. How long has this dating been going on? Maybe you should have held off telling her for a while longer. Kids even at her age still may have some hurting going on after a divorce, may hope that their parents get back together or have other reasons for not liking a parent dating again.
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