I am giving my daughter the silent treatment, for something she said but hasn't apologized for. Am I wrong?

Dee - posted on 06/20/2013 ( 25 moms have responded )

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I have a 11y old daughter and while driving her to basketball practice yesterday I had mentioned to her dad over the phone that I had volunteered to help the coach out during practice. When I hung up with her dad, she looked at me and said 'Mom, please don't embarrass me at practice'. I told her that she should be ashamed of saying something like that. When we got there I told her that she would tell her coach that I was NOT going to help, and if asked she should explain why.
She has not willingly say she's sorry, I am so hurt by these remarks that I am not speaking to her. Is it wrong? I told her last night how much she hurt me and her dad made her say she was sorry, but I think it was not a sincere apology. How do I handle this?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/20/2013

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Wow, Dee, overreact much?

Good grief, I remember thinking EXACTLY the same thing when I was your daughter's age. And my kids did too.

Parents embarrass children. We don't realize it, but we do. She was simply asking you to not fuss over her, not make a fuss about what you see going on, etc...in other words, don't embarrass her!!!

Wow. And I see that you made her feel so guilty that you got your forced apology...feel better now?

Ease up, lady! And grow a thicker skin. I agree wholeheartedly with Dennika's post

Denikka - posted on 06/20/2013

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I would say that you're absolutely wrong here. . . .
Sure, what she said may have been a little rude, but you TOTALLY overreacted. She's 11. Just about everything you do do and say is embarrassing.
You're the one acting like a child, giving her the silent treatment and essentially pouting over one little comment that, seriously, wasn't even that big of a deal.

Just talking to her probably would have been enough and is what I would have done in the same situation. I would have just let her know, as soon as she said it, that the comment hurt me and was kind of rude. I'd also ask what she meant at the time, what I specifically wasn't supposed to do that would have been embarrassing to her during her practice. Maybe there are things that you've done in the past that have caused her grief with her peers and she was trying to avoid that.

At this point, I think you owe her an apology for being so childish over something so small as much, if not more, than she owes you one over being slightly rude.

Rosa - posted on 06/20/2013

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The key here is that she is 11. What she said to you is 'normal' for being 11. This stage is about teaching her and guiding her through this age, not about your feelings. If you committed to helping the coach you should have shown her your follow through on your committment inspite of her 11 y/o behavior. Not send her to give the coach a message for you. Since you asked if you were wrong...yes on a few accounts. 1. Being hurt by a predictable 11 y/o behavior, 2. Not following through on your commitment, 3. Ignoring your daughter. Really? Is this how you are going to show her how to handle difficulty in relationships? hmmm. Does she need to apologize...hmmm yes....but you need to remain the grown up and show her how/why she is wrong. Not lower yourself to her level. Sorry, but you asked. I hope this helps.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/20/2013

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Dove, I already let management team know, and so did someone else. Hopefully that glitch will be fixed soon. I am getting alerts from like 2011 even when no one posted to that thread.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/20/2013

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You need to apologize to her for behaving like a 5 year old and giving her the 'silent treatment'.

That was not a very adult thing to do

This conversation has been closed to further comments

25 Comments

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Dee - posted on 06/21/2013

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Thank you all who have responded. I do feel better about what happened, I DONT feel sorry about how I felt, might not have a tough skin, but I LOVE both of my kids to pieces and while I may not agree with some of your comments or that I needed to apologize, I still did. And we had a good talk about it later.
Thanks again!

Amy - posted on 06/20/2013

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In my opinion sounds like your daughter was just being honest and she even said please. I think you are over reacting, she is almost a teen with hormones and everything else going crazy. For next next few years its likely everything you do will embarrass her. This is very normal and to be expected. Try to remember when you were a teenager did you want your mom around? I think you should sit down with her and have a heart to heart you you already told her it hurt your feelings but did you tell her why or ask her why she feels the way she does? maybe you could apologize for over reacting and this could turn around. My daughter tells me all the time not to embarrass her. Jokingly I tell her that it's may job. And sometimes her dad and I will do silly things to embarrass her and her friends. Then we all have a good laugh.
Please remember she's still a little girl but she's also a preteen. She is trying to discover herself and who she is . She clearly means no disrespect. You apparently taught her to be confident eenough to tell you how she feels and that is great and very important for the next few years. Have patience as you both navigate these teen and preteen years.

Mary - posted on 06/20/2013

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She is acting perfectly normal for her age. As much as we all would love for those things not to happen, they will. All kids are embarrassed by their parents. You shouldn't be taking it personal. I think it is extremely childish that you are just not speaking to her. It's setting a bad example for her.

Dove - posted on 06/20/2013

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And there is a new COM 'glitch' that when you post on something you get alerts from people who have posted previously... even though they haven't posted again. It's been doing it to me for a couple of days now.

Dove - posted on 06/20/2013

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Who's the adult in this relationship? She's 11 and behaving like a perfectly normal preteen. You giving your own child the silent treatment over this is petty and childish... Move on and quit punishing your daughter for having feelings too.

Chris - posted on 06/20/2013

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Yes, you are wrong. Her comment was very typical and you'd be better served by just laughing it off. If it really does bother you, a mature conversation with her about how her comment hurt your feelings should be enough to move on.

Denikka - posted on 06/20/2013

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I only made the one comment until now, not sure why there would be alerts to more :)

You asked if other moms would have been hurt about the comment she made.
I can answer for me, and that answer is no. I wouldn't be hurt. I have a 4yr old and a 2yr old and both are fiercely independent and have been encouraged to be that way. Even at this age, I try to go out of my way to avoid doing the embarrassing things that most moms end up doing (licking thumb to wipe of face marks, silly stuff like that). I HATED being embarrassed as a kid. It was much more than a mild embarrassment for me, little things were complete and utter humiliation.
Lots of parents don't even realize that what they're doing or saying can be embarrassing. What's okay at home can be very NOT okay in front of peers. Silly nicknames, asking just slightly too loudly if the kid needs to go to the bathroom or pointing out that there's something on their face. . .Parent thinks they're helping or thinks nothing of what they've said, but it can be mortifying if a peer overheard it.
It's really not surprising if this is a new group of kids for her. Many things are more okay within established friendships, but she's probably looking to make a good impression on these new kids.

As for the article...I think you took the technique WAY out of context. What it appears to be saying is DURING an argument with a teen (bickering back and forth, both people engaged in an actual argument), you stop engaging. DURING the argument, you tell them that you will no longer engage with them until they can act reasonably and talk about the issue instead of bickering about it.
It doesn't mean that you stop talking to your child for an extended period of time, just stop engaging at that particular time until the moment can cool down and become productive instead of argumentative.
I honestly don't see how that applies to this particular situation at all. Your daughter made a request and even told you why. I don't see how that was argumentative at all. I really don't see it as any different from her asking you not to call her by a family nickname or hold her hand anymore. It was a pretty reasonable request and, but the way that you've described the incident, done in a reasonable way.
I still believe that you owe her an apology much more than she owed you one.

Jodi - posted on 06/20/2013

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I agree with the other ladies. Giving a child "the silent treatment" is very childish. What you are doing is modeling behaviour. Ask yourself if you think it is appropriate for your child to give you the silent treatment every time they are upset at you. No? Well, don't do it to them, because you are actually teaching them that this behaviour is acceptable.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/20/2013

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Ummmm.....sorry but it sounds like the 11 year old was being honest about her feelings. Instead of throwing an immature way to deal with it at her, you should have asked her why she thinks you may embarrass her. I think you need to get over it. She was being honest, and instead of talking to her about it, you gave her the silent treatment, which she probably enjoyed and was not a punishment. Especially considering she probably didn't know why you would not talk with her.

Maggi - posted on 06/20/2013

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i understand what the article is saying but the silent treatment still causes damage. maybe instead of 100% silent treatment you can say i am no longer going to entertain this argument. from now on i will not be discussing it further. and then move on to the next thing.

Lakota - posted on 06/20/2013

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That's great that she apologized. But, any time an adult gives anyone the silent treatment because he/she is upset is overreacting and is child like. I understand being hurt by that, but, it is normal for her to feel that way and she will continue to feel that way as she gets older. Pick your battles, or you will drive yourself crazy and your relationship with your daughter will suffer.

Maggi - posted on 06/20/2013

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see.... your babygirl is growing up. she jus had to have sometime to think about what she did and "man up" so to speak.

Maggi - posted on 06/20/2013

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first of all don't ever think you are not doing a good job or you are not measuring up to the type of mom your mom is. honestly if my daughter would've said that to me i probably would've laughed a little an been like "babygirl that's what im here for!" i remember the first time my daughter yelled at the top of her voice "mama i don't like you anymore mama i hate you" all because i told her she had to wait till after dinner to get dessert. i cried i seriously bawled my eyes out called my own mom and cried that my baby don't like me no more and that she hates me. it hurt me to the core and still to this day when i think about it my heart sinks and it makes me want to cry all over again. my mom jus gently told me that shes young and she doesn't know how her words affects her mama and that she doesn't fully understand the power words can have and that when she gets older and has babies of her own only then she will realize the hurt i felt when she said it to me. it actually took her seeing me cry and ask me why i was crying and me tell her how she hurt me by saying that for her to stop. she started to cry and said she was sorry and she didn't mean it and she loves me. now she runs around telling me im the awesomest mommy ever. lol i am a single mom im raising my daughter with half of the family circle i had when i was growing up. growing up for me was great i have both parents (who are still together after 30 years) i grew up thinking i was going to be able to give my babies what my parents gave me (2 parents in the household) instead im only able to give her half of what i got but the pressure to give her everything i had even two parents hangs heavy on me everyday. i understand the importance to show her i love her to have a close nit relationship to her and to provide for her more than you know. and i dont own my own business but i do spend everyday working and pulling to get two paychecks worth of finances so i can provide for her and after 10-12 hours of work i come home and cook dinner and make cookies adn spend time with her even though honestly sometimes i want to lay in my bed and cry that im not doing enough. the pressure we put on ourselves as parents is the reflection of how great of a job our parents did on raising us. we as children to our parents see growing up the standards that need to be set and when we become parents ourselves and when life starts to change (going from being a stay at home mom to owning and running your own company mom) we strive and pressure ourselves to make sure that our children's lives don't change or stay as same as possible while still making sure that the standards of parenting that was taught to us by our parents is still met. i think that maybe the reason you reacted the way you did and the hurt you feel is because of the pressure you put on yourself to make sure she and your other don't feel like your leaving them in the wind. your babies see that you are busy all the time and they also see that you spend every waking second with them and for them. im not saying that you don't have a right to be hurt even if it is just a lil. im saying that shes growing up mama and no matter how much you don't want that its gonna happen. shes young so she wont right yet realize how her actions and words really affect you until one morning she is still at the table drinking her morning coffee thinking bout her own babies an what she wants to give them. and yes she will strive to give her babies and try very hard to give them even at least half of what her mama gave her. im not devaluing you or your husband and i am not saying that there is no right for you to feel hurt. your a mom of course your going to feel hurt when one of your babies wants to push away and be a little independent. maybe because she doesn't know anyone on the team is why she said that. i remember always wanting to be "cool" at that age. if you both have sat and talked and you both have communicated your feelings maybe its just time to say okay we had a life lesson lets move on and have some more fun this summer. please don't take offense to anything that I've said.

Dee - posted on 06/20/2013

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UPDATE! I have just been given a note:

Mom,

I'm sorry that what I said was hurtful and I wasn't thinking. I still love you no matter what.

Dee - posted on 06/20/2013

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@DenikkaGreen, I am getting alerts about you posting, but I am not able to see but your first comment.....

Dee - posted on 06/20/2013

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When I was her age, I was the shortest in my class, my dad was president of the PTO and because of that I was made fun at and bullied. Yes, she is growing up in different times, no, her team is not co-ed. This is a summer league and does not know anyone on her team but one girl. She has been open about a lot of things, we do talk about stuff, she comes to me for what I hope is everything. When I talked with her last night I did say that her comment hurt my feelings, I also explained that I wanted to help out because this would be something we could do together, like our morning walks or folding laundry. You see, I own my own business, so does my husband, so our days start very early and we both have a million things to do workwise as well as at home. But we do our best when it comes to spending quality time with both of our kids. I try to do all the things I did when I was a stay at home mom. I bake often and cook every day. I have meaningful talks with both my kids, I am involved and enjoy all I do with them and for them. Maybe I am overreacting, but wouldn't you? Wouldn't this hurt your feelings when I am trying so hard to be even half the mom my own was?

Maggi - posted on 06/20/2013

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maybe you weren't like that while you were growing up but then again saying that also means your friends didn't poke fun at you about your parents. try an remember that our children are growing up in a very different time then what we grew up in. i was jus trying to explain that at the age of 11 she is more worried about how her friends see her and her parents than she will be when she is a grown adult. however i still think you went to far and could've damaged your relationship to her. i know if my mom would've acted like that towards me about a little comment like that i don't think our relationship would be so close an tight nit because i would then be worried about how extreme my mom would react to anything i said to her. maybe you should toughen up your skin a lil because if this hurts you i can only imagine how you are going to feel when she doesn't come to you for advice about boys or sex in the future in fear of how extreme you will react to her. daughters need their moms to be understanding of the stages of life that they are going through. is her team co-ed? maybe there is a boy she likes on the team and she doesn't want to seem "cool" or something. and when you guys talked did you talk AT her or WITH her. yes there is a difference especially when your a parent talking to a child. and if you honestly do understand how she might feel the next question i would ask is if that is the case why did you react the way you did? it didn't cross your mind that the way you reacted would make things worse?

Dee - posted on 06/20/2013

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I DID explain that she hurt me and I also asked what she meant, she just said that I shouldn't say anything private. I am NOT that type of person, I do understand how she might feel, after all I was her age not to long ago. Also, I didn't yell, I talked to her. I am hurt. NEVER would it have occurred to me to talk to my parents that way.

Maggi - posted on 06/20/2013

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i remember when i was that age and i was always worried that my parents would embarrass me. i think its natural for children around that age to start to be worried if their parents are going to embarrass them. i think because at that age they are starting to act older and be treated older. kids are always going to be worried about their parents treating them like "babies" or do embarrassing stuff while they are with and in front of their friends. i know if i would've said that to my mom or dad (which im sure i have done a time or two) they would've laughed at me and told me that if they saw fit to do so they would because its their right as a parent and maybe i should make sure i didn't get out of line to make them want to embarrass me. they would've made a joke out of the remark and would've moved on to help the team out. i think that maybe it was a little harsh to decline to help the team especially after agreeing to do so. in my eyes it shows that its okay to not follow through with commitments that have been made. and yeah i think its a bit harsh to give her the silent treatment because she said something that is pretty age appropriate for her to say. i have always seen the silent treatment as a passive aggressive way to throw a temper tantrum and does more damage than good. try to think how it would make you feel if she wouldn't talk to you and you didn't understand why what you said to her hurt her so much. instead of doing that maybe sit her down and talk to her about maybe why she feels that you might embarrass her and communicate to her how it hurt your feelings. try to remember how you were at that age. you know about to hit them big grown up teenage years where your suppose to be started to be treated like a young adult and don't want your mom or dad holding your hand and running to check on you if you fall and get hurt. your daughter is jus growing up and is showing that she doesn't want to be treated like a "baby" (even though she will always be your baby). i know it can be difficult. my daughter isn't 11 shes 4 but she is already doing the whole mommy "ima a big girl i don't need your help" "mommy stop giving me kisses in front of people" "mommy i don't need you to hold my hand" thing. i would say prepare yourself for her teenage years. i know that is not by far going to be the worse thing she says while she is growing up. by her saying mom don't embarrass me she really saying mom ima big girl now don't treat me like a baby in front of my friends. your not wrong for your feelings to get hurt....maybe a little harsh on how you are reacting. shes not been willing to say sorry because she doesn't understand the whole mommy bird baby bird thing. and she doesn't understand that she hurt you. sometimes its hard to be sincere about something when you don't understand why the sorry is needed. i know that i didn't understand how some of the things i said to my mom hurt her while i was growing up but once i had my babygirl and she started with the independence thing and went to daycare one day my baby and came back ready to rule the world saying things like " i hate you" (every time she didn't get what she wanted) i then understood what my mom felt. and yes i sat her down and tried to explain to her that it hurts mommy when she says stuff like that after a little bit she stopped....i also cried a little because at the age of 4 she is growing up way to fast for my own good. at the age of 11 your daughter is growing up and little things like that are signs of it. as my dad would say "sit back put your seat belt on and hold on for dear life cause its gonna be a bumpy ride". i hope this helps to give you some insight.

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