i am in a huge fix and I feel I have no way out

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013 ( 57 moms have responded )

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I am now living with my step son who was living with his granny (fathers mother) after his mother selfishly killed herself leaving him at 20months and his sister at 4 months. Its sad really. now my problem is that he is now living with me and I HATE it, he is not problematic child and i like him but I hate being dumped with the responsibility without being given a choice. raising a child is not just feeding him or bathing him it ncludes being responsibile for his emotional mental and spiritual well being, and that is not something small. I hate the fact that now I have to minimise what I do for my son cause it has to be share with his step brother. the time I spend with him is not an issue I hate that I have to spend less on my son so that things have to be fair I hate that when I send my son to my moms house so I can have time for myself I still dont get my time cause he is around. Im a young wife and mom and enjoy being so all along being neither 1 of these stopped me from enjoying my life but now somehow I find myself not enjoying it anymore. my step son has every right to live with his father and be with him but it mustnt be at my expense. i have only 1 child cause i understand what having a child is about and how it impacts my life in every aspect, now i am being bombarded with responsibilities and expenses that i did not antisipate nor am I really liable for. I dont hate my step son but Im not enjoying our living arrangement. i hate the fact that his mother left her "baggage" for me to take care of I feel I am being punished for loving my husband and marrying him. I HATE MY LIVING ARRANGEMENT. I am even considering ending my marriage so that the son and father can live together cause Im not going to live like this for the rest of my life and I dont want to end up resenting my step son for something he has a right to... living with his father.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2013

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Really, all people have told you is that you married a man with another child (2 children??? Where is the little girl??) You HAD a choice at that point. You have no right to marry a man who has other children if you aren't prepared to be responsible for them. End of story.

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2013

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Yes we are judging you because your poor step son has to deal with you.

It's him we feel sorry for. He deserves to loved unconditionally, not hated because of things that he couldn't control.

Amy - posted on 03/24/2013

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You're right Simphiwe we only know what information you give us. It's unfortunate that you feel this little boy is taking time from your son and you're feeling overwhelmed. What happened if you were to accidentally get pregnant again? Would you feel the same way towards your own child or is it only because this child is a "step"?

If you didn't think you could be a great mom to a step child then you shouldn't of gotten married to someone who already had a child, because as Michelle stated you just never know when the circumstances are going to change like in your situation and you end up with your step 100% of the time. I'm in the process of divorcing right now and although I have no intentions of dating anytime soon I do question whether or not I can or am willing to take on someone else's child down the road. It's not bad but it is something that should of been decided before marriage, and now that you're married I suggest counseling to help you work through your feelings. Because every child whether they know their parents or not at some point are going to miss their bio parent.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/27/2013

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***I am locking this thread. It looks like Simphiwe has made her decision, and thanked everyone for their input. I would rather lock it while her post is not buried. ***

~MoD Little Miss~

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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You have posted "I HATE MY LIVING ARRANGEMENT." you have said the mother "i hate the fact that his mother left her "baggage" for me to take care of I feel I am being punished for loving my husband and marrying him. " You said you are being PUNISHED! How do you want everyone to take your post?? Awe poor baby, she entered a marriage without understanding love and responsibility....you need a nice hug and a pat on the back for taking someone elses burden, especially since you are young. Is that better??? What exactly do you want from everyone in here when you write such a hateful post about a mother who clearly had major mental problems, enough to kill herself, and how much you hate the son??? I would LOVE for you to show this post to your husband and see how he reacts. How hurtful and vile this all is. Kudos to you for being honest. You will get bigger kudos when you do the right thing, and leave this family alone. Clearly you are not a part of it, so walk out before this little boy has so much emotional problems due to his step mom being so awful.

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57 Comments

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Shelly - posted on 03/27/2013

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How old are this kid? And the little girl do you like her? All marriages with kids are harder but its hardest on the kids! Does your child love his siblings or do you have him hating then as well? Your behavior says a lot in this family! I'm a step mom & I had to deal with the kids mom. You think your life is hard! I love my kids, all of them. I have had my share of mixed feelings about my marriage during hard times. But never did I wish away the kids, their thebones who are stuck, you can leave.

A - posted on 03/27/2013

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I agree with the other posters, how upsetting is it for this child- first his mom is dead and now the other woman who is his mom acts like she doesn't want him- that poor kid. Not poor you, you are an adult, act like one.

Meli - posted on 03/26/2013

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Wow you sound very immature and selfish. Sounds to me like you knew he had kids prior to marring him so instead of blaming the little boy How about you stop being childish and take responsibility like a wife and mother should. Referring to him as baggage is pretty upsetting. This little boy didn’t ask for any of this and instead of being bitter you should be finding a solution to making him feel like family and feel loved. Whether you like it or not he is your step- SON so do the right thing and put his and your other child’s needs before your own. If you can’t then leave because you’re only going to hurt this child and give him emotional problems and that just isn’t right!

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 03/26/2013

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Hi there , I can understand where your coming from . While me and my husband were just dating his ex got involved in drugs and I went from seeing his daughter every so often to all of a sudden becoming the mother figure in her life. I had no kids of my own yet and I was sooo overwhelmed when I realized how many sacrifices it would take to mother this child and honestly I became resentful too. Gone were the days of going out on the weekends and just being a carefree 20 yr old! I struggled with this for a long time until I looked at her one day and realized she is a little person who needs me and stopped looking at her as " her irresponsible mothers child who now runs my life". I don't think your terrible for feeling like this , taking on someone else's child changes the dynamic of your entire life. All I can tell you that Is if you want your feelings to change Abt the situation that will . I have a bio child of my own now and I do make sure she gets alone time with mommy , and your husband needs to help you have time alone with your child if your going to mother his son. Good luck Hun, and it can be better it just takes compromise from you and your husband !

Simphiwe - posted on 03/25/2013

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dear mothers thank you for all your comments some where eye oprning some a little judgemental but all did help.
I love my husband and inspite of many opinions I love my boys, circumstances brought on a little storm in heart, but after careful consideration Im taking some of your advise.
I love my husband and married him knowing everything he came with, I didnt have a problem with my step son before the mess up so Im sticking to that. I am biting my lower lip and taking it on.
for those who kept telling me i should leave my family thank you for making me realise how much i love them and how much they mean to me. despite your opinion i mean alot to them and am good for them.
all in all thank you, i did find help after all, in different shapes and emotions but it helped

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2013

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It's actually the husband's mother who said her mother can't have anything to do with him.

I have another question. Who "actually" has LEGAL custody of the children here? (Are there court documents?) If it is your husband, your husband's mother can suck on it. It's nothing to do with her.

Why is it that YOU are supporting the child financially. What about your husband? isn't he also supporting the family financially?

@ Alison, plenty of people CHOOSE to take on this type of situation. Plenty of them. There are many, many step parents out there who make that choice every day. Nobody has the right to marry a person with children and then say they didn't choose to have the children in their home, whether full time or part time. It was a choice the moment you decided to marry, no matter how many ways you want to look at it.

Monique Tricia - posted on 03/24/2013

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o ma gracious GOD!!! hw can people be selfish and wicked. didnt u knw he has 2 kids b4 accepting him as ur wedded husband??? diz world is really becoming unbecoming. calling human beings baggage...........

Anya - posted on 03/24/2013

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Just say the part where your husband said your mother can't watch his son. Screw that. Your step-son is either a part of the whole family or he is not. Your husband can't have it both ways.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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I am a step child. I would hate to think my step dad would ever have felt this way about me. That would be devastating.

Anya - posted on 03/24/2013

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I do not mean to sound harsh, but if you have a priest or pastor, go now! Many centers have resources for families dealing with suicide, as yours is. No one is happy in your family-no one. Get the help offered and get it now. You have grief counseling also that is available. Also, think of the kids, if you leave, your child will be denied contact with his father because you couldn't handle a painful situation. My hopes to you and your family that this works out well.

Shelly - posted on 03/24/2013

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I have already commented on this but I read it again and it angers me! At our house wee don't used the term step child! When ask how many kids we have we have 4. 2 our my husbands, 1 is my nephew & 1 is ours but we dont feel that way! My husbands kids are mine, just ask them! My nephew is our son, just ask him & the baby who is now 8 has 3 brothers & a sister! My kids, all 4 have had their issues but I will always treat them the best I can, I love them & my little gut has plenty because hebhas great siblings who love him likd crazy! Life isnt about things its about the love we give & receive. I feel sorry for your step son & you are welcome to drop him off here anytime, we would love to have another son!! Do them a favor & leave so they can at least have their dad!!

Alison - posted on 03/24/2013

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I think your doing a bloody good job and I can see its difficult for you as no one would choose this situation ...it's easy for people to talk about it when not faced with it like you , stay strong and positive , I trust you will do the honerable thing and look after this child your step son as your own , But I also understand its not easy , it will be worth it in the end odd things happen as time goes by and yo will be repaid for al your good doing xx

Shelly - posted on 03/24/2013

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In my opinion, leave the house. When you marry a man with children they come to no matter how hard! If you can't handle it get out because its just going to cause that boy more problems alonh with your son & you! I raised my husbands kids and sometimes I wanted to walk out and never look back but I love my husband & his kids so we worked on it but it seems like your beyond that. It sounds like you resent the kid & that's not good for anyone!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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Well, as much you feel you don't have a choice (which you do) the children really don't have a say. Also, there is always much more to suicide than meets the eye Try to understand that.

Really, sit down with your husband, and discuss all your concerns. That is the only thing that will help this situation.

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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ok the little girl lives with her granny. i had taken the kids in before and then she threw a fit about it and ended up convincing her son that he must give her back the kids. im not bad mouthing my mother in law but the whole basis for wanting the kids with her is the welfare payput she recieves for them, she hs the kids sleeping on a sponge on the floor. im not rich but when the kids were with me they had a better life. for the past two years ive been trying to get my step son to be sent to school and she wouldnt allow it he is turning 6 in november and still hasnt been to school.

now that ive got a better paying job and one that demands more of my time im now dumped with him. in as much as one might say that the kids have nothing to do with the situation i agree but when i wanted to take them in and wanted to adapt to having them around i was made to feel inadequate and that i only was pretending to care about them to win over my husband. we would end up fighting with my husband because i was dissatisfied with his mothers care tactics for the kids, i one went as far as getting a friend who is a social worker to go and have a chat with the granny, she i quote said my dear you will have to get the police to take these kids away from me.

the reason why his mother killed herself wwas because my husband who was her husband at the time was divorcing her (no not for me) he had caught her too many times cheating on him. that is why i feel no remorse for her and feel she was selfish and only thought of herself

i dont blame the child he has no choice in all of this but i really am unhappy with the situation i live in cause im pulled from pillar to post and at the end of the day finacially i fend for him and i dress him so to be not met halfway is not cool at all. i am very unhappy him being in my life has brought on a lot of anguish. its not his fault.

my husband and i had an agreement before we got married that we would take the kids and when i did they were taken away from me (not in a nice manner mind you). now that ive gotten used to the life that i live im now FORCED to change it again. I am not given a choice. I LOVE THE LITTLE BOY I REALLY DO BUT HE IS BRINGING ANGUISH IN MY LIFE

As for my mother she is not allowed to take him as per instruction from my husbands mother.... "she is not his grandmother. he has no relation to her therefore he has no business being with her"

I think Ive taken more than my due responsibility. This child is my responsibility by choice, and that should be taken into account. Im tired of defending myself over this. judge me as you will but I know Ive been more than fair and loving and supportive towards the boy

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2013

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My point is, you have left a LOT of information out of your post. I don't have time to list it all right now, but no-one can give you constructive advice when you are blaming all your woes on others and not accepting some responsibility. They also can't help you when they don't understand your living arrangements.

1. Where is the little girl (3rd time I asked), is she your husband's child too?
2. Did you know your husband had children when you married him?
3. Did you know the mother had committed suicide when you married him?
4. Why can gran no longer have the child?

And that is just a start. TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY.

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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ok I now get that I am the terrible step mother who has no love for an innocent boy. I really think that CONSTRUCTIVE critisism wouldve been a better bet than trashing me for what you THINK I am

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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You have no sympathy from me...clearly, but your step son I am sending lots of love, mental hugs, and good vibes.

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2013

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When all you do is blame him for your situation and refer to him as baggage you aren't asking for help.

Where is your husband in all this? How does he help? I think you need to have a big discussion with your husband and come to an agreement on how the household should run.

Maybe next time, ask for help instead of putting the blame on a child.

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2013

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And quite honestly, if you are not coping, maybe you need to discuss this with your husband and find a new methods that will help you cope.

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2013

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Well, maybe you need to rephrase your posts, because it sure sounds like you have an awful lot of resentment towards the child.

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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I am defeated I came here looking for some assistance or someone who could IDENTIFY with my situation not for SYMPATHY. I do not hate the child Ive been looking after him for a long time just that he would go to his grans when I need to go to work now Im feeling that Im not coping with the new system, thus being unable to be in control of the sitiuation is making me angry and that is what brought on the dislike in the situation I live in. Thank you for all your comments

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2013

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You really aren't after advice, are you? You just want people to validate how you feel.

Whatever. I'm not going to validate you because I don't agree with you. If you REALLY knew what having a child was all about and how it impacted on your life, you would have understood what you were getting into with a man who already has children, regardless of whether he had them full-time at the time.

You mentioned you were young. Time to grow up and realise the world doesn't revolve around you. Time to grow up and recognise that you OWN the decision to marry a man who already had a child. Stop blaming him. Stop blaming the child. Stop blaming the dead mother. YOU HAD A CHOICE. The child did not. Get over yourself.

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2013

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You can get all on your high horse as much as you want and to the whole "woe is me" attitude but see it from our side.

We have no idea on your life and how it came about for you to have married a man with a motherless child as you haven't told us every little aspect of your life and we don't need it.

Based on what you have said, you have been "forced" into looking after yur stepson full time and can't even "get a break" because when your mother has your son she won't take your stepson.

There are other stepmothers on here and they don't have the same "woe is me" attitude that your have.

Like I said, You are an adult and can choose how your life turns out. If it's so bad then leave and be a single mother to your child and see how it is. I'm sure would be complaining a heap more about how you never get time off and it's too hard.

Just because I'm not sympathizing with you doesn't mean I have the perfect life. I have been in an abusive relationship and been a single mother for years. It wasn't until I decided that the only person responsible for the way my life turns out is me, that I made the conscious decision to be strong and do what is best for my children.

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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oh wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I refuse to entertain you, you dont prejudge people and go as far as labelling people.
enjoy your sunday

~♥Little Miss - posted on 03/24/2013

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Well, when you get married, you are not just marrying the father, but his whole family. Sounds to me like you totally resent his son and want nothing to do with him. It is not this kids fault that the mother took her life. This poor kid needs love, and understanding. Not a wicked step mom that doesn't want him around. If you cannot fill his needs as a mother, which he needs especially since his mother KILLED herself, then leave. Get out. He doesn't need that kind of negativity from someone so selfish who cannot love him. Counseling may help, but it is not going to make you love this child.

Jodi - posted on 03/24/2013

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You were given a choice when you married your husband. Sorry, but you have already stated you were not in the picture when the mother committed suicide, so you already knew your husband had a motherless child. You are the adult in the relationship, so you had the choice. The child had no choice in the matter at all. I find it sad that you feel FORCED into the situation. It is also very sad that you refer to the child as "baggage". You married a man who had another child. You took the responsibility on in that moment. Stop defending yourself and start to wake up. Your post is coming across as incredibly selfish. (Almost trollishly so, if I may say so).

You haven't mentioned how old your step son is now. Nor have you made any mention of his sister. What is happening there? And why can you send your son to your mother's house and not your stepson if you want a break? Is she also so close minded that she can't see your step son as another grandchild? My step children are grandchildren to my mother. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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I think its because he is a step and Im being honest here. I think that I feel this way because Im not being given a choice in all of this. as hard as it might be to believe me I love this boy he is sweet and he listens to me and respects me. I really dont want any harm to come his way and I do my best to ensure that he is taken care of (send food to his grans house, buy him clothes and toys, take him out, even have him over during the holidays,) its just the fact that I am now FORCED to have him full time that is driving me up the wall. I dont ill treat him or anything, I love having him around its the circumstances that got us to the point that we are at that are the problem me. I am not the evil step mother to him cause I can honestly say I treat him the same way infront of his dad as I do in his father's absence. I feel bad enough as it is for feeling this way but I cant help it at all. Thank you Amy I will definately look into councilling route.

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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Michelle Waldbillig I am so sorry you've gotten yourself soo worked up over my "woe is me" situation. the understanding that we had when we got married you dont know and when I knew about the kids you dont know either how long Ive been with this man in the situation or arrangement we were in (that worked for everyone that is) you've got no clue. Your opinion shall remain as such.
now a little one liner from me to you. Being forceful with your opinion doesnt make it right nor does it make it mandatory to take and most especially it DOESNT make it true to the situation.

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2013

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Well if he was young when she died then you have NOT been thrown into the situation. You knew the situation before you became involved with his father and had every opportunity to take a different path.

Since you have CHOSEN to marry your husband and take on his children you need to quit complaining and comparing your child and his. You are now a blended family where each child is equal.

In mu life I choose to focus on the positives and the things I can change, not wallow in the woe is me attitude and what if's. I CHOOSE my destiny and believe that once I have made a choice I have to live with it and not regret anything.

I have an asshole of an ex husband but if I hadn't married him I wouldn't have my gorgeous boys. I also wouldn't be the strong woman that I am today. You make your choices in life and you have to live with them. If it's so hard dealing with a step child then divorce your husband and find someone without children. That way your children can be spoilt and you don't have to share everything.

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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i hear you. and thank you *smirk* its a beautiful world you live in... the land of the oblivious. I come from a family where my mother took in my step brothers and raised them as her own, and last year my mother almost lost everything when our father passed away and they came in to claim "what belonged to their father". in the process attempting to throw out my mother my younger brother and my younger sister out of our home. so when it comes to these situations one needs to be either in the situation or have been in it to be able to to honestly and knowledgably comment criticise and encourage a person in need of such. enjoy your sunday

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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i dont want to find myself explaining myself but to shed some light to you. his mother passed on when he was very little he doesnt even know her, let alone is hurting over the loss of his mother. I didnt offer any help cause I wasnt there to do so and even if i was around it wouldnt have been any of my business. you have a right to your opinion but had you taken you time to analys this situation you would understand that I have been taken care of him and giving him love but my only problem is the sudden dump of full responsibility of eveything that has to do with him. he is a happy healthy little boy who is loved and spoilt when necessary. I dont appreciate your judgement but do appreciate your opinion. thanks

Alison - posted on 03/24/2013

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I Agree with Michelle .... the other woman my husband left us for , Rejected my son and daughter aged 18 month and 3 years , she then left him for another man and my ex wanted to have contact with his son ,my son also but this small boy was now a man of 20 years who was bitter at all the lost years gone by and now dad wants him in his life now he's ditched ! my son was cold towards his dad that was understanding But then his dad died 6 months later of a heart attack ..Now my son has commit suicide depressed over his dads death and lack of love

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2013

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When my husband asked me to marry him he also took on my 2 children that I already had. He even told me that he would put himself in harms way to defend my boys. That's what step parenting is about, not comparing your bio children to your step children.

Onetraeh - posted on 03/24/2013

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I wasn't judging u @ all lol so idk wht u mean;honestly I couldn't be in a position to judge.& thx for your definition on a decent human being & also on Christianity *rolling my eyes*;all I meant by tht is maybe u have to find a way to make peace with it since u haven't been able to thus far & maybe it would help to go to church?it was a suggestion.I don't understand how u can feel as if this is being shoved down your throat honestly;when u married your husband u swore to ride or die basically & he's your family.so his family should be your family;it's not like somebody's asking u to adopt an orphan it's his blood son.idk how much choice he has or would want in regards to whether or not he should take care of his own son but u feel it's being shoved down your throat.idk I get the feeling tht u don't like my advice but you're fully coming off cold & we're talking about a little boy;being an adult doesn't take away your feelings no but everybody deserves a good childhood & like I said it's the building blocks for a happy & well adjusted adult.tht's all I was saying but definitely wish the best for your situation & hope tht alls well tht ends well

Michelle - posted on 03/24/2013

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When you married your husband you knew he had a child. In the even of anything happening to the other parent the surviving parent usually takes custody of the child.

I know it's not an everyday occurrence for a parent to die, let alone take their own life, but your poor stepson has been left without his mother. Can you even imagine what that is like? You have your Mother around so I don't think so.

When we blend families there is a lot of give and take and all I can see is that you need to be there completely for that little bot who must be hurting so much.

You need to grow up and stop being so selfish. That child did not ask for his Mother to die and to be honest she must have been in a very dark place to do what she did. Did she have any help at all? Did you even offer to have your step child more often when she was struggling with HER life?

Alison - posted on 03/24/2013

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I totally agree with you ... Church has nothing to do with being a good person , I know some pretty horrid people that go to church along with some very kind people

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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im sorry but I sense a LITTLE JUGDEMENT IN YOUR LAST STATEMENT going to church has nothing to do with being a decent human being or being christian for that matter. as for the rest of your comment, you do have a point he does need a mother and I would like to be part of the beautiful things in his life, but clearly you missed my point that being responsible for his emotional spiritual and mental wellbeing is a little too much to handle when its forced down my throat, I want him to have a good life and to be successful, but I need my feelings need to be considered as well. being the adult in the equation doesnt take away your feelings it just means that you get the shorter end of the stick cause you are smart enough to comprehend, adapt and get over a situation. it purely means that you can deal with situations life deals you with more tact and have them affect you in a less negative way as appose to a young innocent child.

Onetraeh - posted on 03/24/2013

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He's an innocent child how could he be 'stealing' from your son?I'm sure he doesn't even understand the meaning of the word;why don't u try & find it in your heart to make room for him & make peace with it since he has nobody?& he lost his mum;I mean u could be the only deciding factor on whether he'll have success or failure in his life emotionally & professionally.wouldn't u rather be responsible for making his world beautiful or do u want his life to be shit.he needs a mum.I think u should go to church.
One

Alison - posted on 03/24/2013

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Thank you , I have tears in my eyes for the situation you are all in ...be strong xxx

Simphiwe - posted on 03/24/2013

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thank you very much you have given me food for thought especially the fact that they are children for a short while. God willing things will work out for the best I will try it out and see if my heart will settle into the situation. God bless you for taking your time to help me out with some advise will definately take your words to heart

Alison - posted on 03/24/2013

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you sound like a very caring mum and I'm sure you have heaps of love to give your son also your stepson ....imagine if it was the other way round ! wouldn't you want your son to live with the surviving parent ? life has an odd way of turning round , I'm sure you will reap many benefits by having your stepson in your life ...try to think of the positives ,he will grow up with resentment and sadness unless you treat them the same ...he will Always be your sons step brother and it could turn your son against you in time believe me . all the love in the world from a mum can not replace that love needed by the natural dad , young men commit suicide when older because of the rejection it's very ,very common ...your husband may in the future resent you for excluding his so ! I'm sure it's very hard for you BUT they are only children for a short time , xx

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