I am literally breaking down mentally!!!

Reneetra - posted on 11/20/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I am a woman that grew up in a single parent home, and never planned on having kids because I was afraid of also becoming a single parent. I found out I was pregnant at the age of 25 with my first child which is now 11 years old, and second child exactly a year later on the same date. At the beginning of the relationship everything was great, and when I had my second child things started to crumble slowly. I finally got to a point where I was literally losing my mind, because I could not understand why I was being physically, mentally, and verbally abused, and at one point lived in a shelter for domestic violence victims. I was determined to make my family work, and was willing to except whatever I had to for that reason. I turned to drinking everyday, lashing out at people, not wanting to live anymore. I knew I needed help so I had a conversation with my kids father, and asked if he could keep the kids because I did not want my kids seeing there mom down and out just an emotional wreck. This was not a over night situation, and I felt alone, did not have any support. I meet this guy and night after night we would talk and I would spill my heart out to him so he knew what I was going through. I ended up pregnant with twins, and I tried to self abort I felt like a complete failure, and my kids deserved better. I gave up on me!! My landlord went to the courts and petitioned me to be picked up and get a physiological evaluation, and I ended up in Pine Rest for two weeks so the father of the twins had moved all my stuff into his apartment because it was not good for me to be alone. The father of my older kids found out that I was pregnant and his feelings was hurt, and he was very angry with me so he went to the courts and got full custody of our kids, but he sent the paperwork to my old address which he knew I was no longer living at. I knew nothing about him having full custody until I called friend of the court when I received paperwork about child support. I have no issue paying child support for my kids. I have stopped drinking and have been getting my kids 3-4 days a week on my days off of work. I recently had an issue with his current girlfriend, and the consequences of me voicing my opinion he only lets me get my kids one day a week which is not right. My kids and I know that this is not fair and has affected my kids in a negative way. I just don't know what to do anymore and I am very disappointed in myself for being so weak. My heart is broken!!

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Veronica - posted on 11/20/2016

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Reneetra,

My heart goes out to you. What you have gone through may have been very traumatic for you. There is a balance when looking at our past...to see honestly the things that have been done to us and how it affected us, also to see honestly the things we have done and how it affected others.

The first is VERY important. Be gentle and loving with yourself about the things you've experienced. If you haven't yet, allow yourself to grieve and release whatever feelings you have. This is what therapy is good for. Then you process it and let it go.

It is the same process for the things you've done. Acknowledge it and process it, make your amends if you need to, but then let it go. Nothing that happened in the past can be changed. Now to move forward and heal strong, so you can make good decisions for the future.

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Reneetra - posted on 11/20/2016

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Yeah you are right but I am going to the courts tomorrow to start the process to get my visitations on paper because I have rights, he is a controlling individual, and I have to stand up for myself, I can't continue to let him control me.

Ev - posted on 11/20/2016

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We all make life choices and not all of them are good. You have been working on turning that around. You are going to have to learn to get on your feet and fight harder to make things work. Not having custody of your kids and not having them around a lot is hard. I had joint custody with my ex husband and he was primary care parent. It was rough and I was so lost without them. But I held my head up for them and worked my way through 14 years of custody and visitation issues. Trust me, it is not easy and no one ever said life is easy. You have to learn to put aside what the other person has done to you and concentrate on those kids....they need you mom....work your ass off and get back in their lives as much as you can. Also if all you are allowed is 1 day a week that is better than nothing.

Reneetra - posted on 11/20/2016

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I see a Therapist, but it just hurt when you love someone and you are suppose to trust, do everything in there will to hurt you at your lowest point.

Dove - posted on 11/20/2016

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Are you currently in counseling? If not I would recommend that as a first step.

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