I am lost. I know longer have the patience to deal with my 17 year old son. I want to kick him out

Barbara - posted on 07/06/2011 ( 157 moms have responded )

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His physical and emotional abuse I just can't take anymore. His biological father beat him when he was young and now I pay everyday because it's all my fault (he says). It's at the point that I am just waiting until he turns 18 just so I can have him arrested for the abuse. What can I do, are we too far gone?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lisa - posted on 07/06/2011

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Having him arrested is not going to turn him into a criminal for the rest of his life. It can act as a wake-up call and get him the help he maybe needs. If this has been going on a long time and other options have been explored, maybe it's time for something drastic. There are consequences for behaviors and it would be worse to have him arrested after he turns 18 because those charges would stay on his record for life. At 17, he's still a minor.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/06/2011

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Have you talked to a therapist about this, or better yet had HIM see a therapist? Just kicking him out and getting him arrested is not going to help him. Sorry you are going through all this.

Herna - posted on 07/07/2011

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Hello Barbara,

Circle of Moms has made connection with some quality community resources regarding Domestic Violence.

Please take a moment and contact:
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
United States Residents: 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
http://www.ncadv.org

For questions, resource materials or referrals, you can contact
Maria Luisa O'Neill
1-303-839-1852 ext. 109
mloneill@ncadv.org

Maria may be able to help you get the support you need for you AND your son.

If you are not located in the U.S., a worldwide list of agencies against domestic violence can be found at http://www.hotpeachpages.net

We hope you find the valuable information you need to get help.

Carlie - posted on 09/29/2011

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I don't think he should be arrested unless he puts a knife to your throat or has actually PHYSICALLY violated you. I'm not understanding that advice otherwise. I'm sure you love your son. You don't have to LIKE him or his actions right now. That's ok-and normal. But to have him arrested, for reasons other than the ones given, is ludicrous. That only leads to MORE resentment-and regret-eventually. But I bet your son, expects you to do that. In some way, in sounds like he wants you to do that. But do you know why? He wants a reaction OTHER THAN what he has been getting. I'm tellin' you.....that boy wants you to come to him. He's just not gonna give in, until you give him what he wants. And you should-but he needs to give you what you want too. It has to be equal. I don't think your child is pure evil. You say he has been hurt. Well, "hurt" is an emotion that can be "fixed." I imagine, he doesn't feel loved right now, or maybe hasn't for a long time. You may say you love him, but really, from his awful past history, he probably isn't sure what to believe. Keep in mind, that if he has done something, then so have you. Alot of people are saying to arrest your son-send him to jail huh? Well your son, could say the same of you-or his father. I'm not trying to insult you or make you the "bad guy." I know you are aware of your part in his past. I also think you know what you should be doing to help him. If you are afraid, then imagine how he feels. Children, regardless of age, react out of fear, anger, happiness, etc.....I urge you to reach out to your son. He may push you away. That's fine. He expects you to give up. Don't. God bless you and your son. Don't give up on him ok? That's the worst thing a parent could ever do. I've seen the light go out of a child's eyes before, and it's heart-wrenching. Please.

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157 Comments

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Marshon - posted on 12/19/2011

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You do not have to wait for him to turn 18 he can go to a juvinile facility now and that would probably be better. In those places they offer counseling to help them deal with the anger and any other mental issues they have. If he goes to jail he will just be locked up and likely not to get any kind of help.

Angie - posted on 12/19/2011

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I seriously hope you don't wait until there's a knife at your throat before calling the police; I understand he's your son and you love him, but obviously he is not himself right now; I agree with Bek, if he's not willing to work on it, you need to protect yourself. Nobody deserves to live in fear from anyone, whether it be spouse or a child. Calling the police is NOT going to ruin his live, it could possibly save it; they are not going to lock him away and throw away the key ~ they will court order him to counseling and anger management, possibly put him on probation and see how he handles it. Thoughts and prayers with you.

Bek - posted on 12/19/2011

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I know there are a lot of answers here, forgive me if I repeat what's already been said.
Sure, the kid needs some counseling, but if he doesn't want it, you can't make him.
That said, if he'll go, It would be great for him to do so, also, it would be good for you and anyone else in the household to get counseling as well. Individual and family counseling can heal many wounds and sometimes it's helpful for the child to confront the parent in a therapeutic situation, as well and the parent confronting the child about his behavior. If all are willing, it can work wonders, but if even one is unwilling, it will fall apart. If your child is unwilling, then you have an obligation to protect yourself and anyone else in the home, which might meant kicking him out. I've been through a similar situation. It's still difficult, but it's better not just because he went to counseling, but we did as well.i

Donna - posted on 12/16/2011

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Hi Barbara, if he hits you, call the cops, but when outside a crisis situation there are many things you can do: Contact PINS, SPOA, AFY, Hope for Youth etc. You need ALL the support you can get. So get it. Search the web for services in your area - and contact them. Spend a Saturday on the phone when your son is out - it will be well worth it. Go to your precint and ask to talk to the supervisor about your options (They know about PINS etc and should be able to direct you and give you phone numbers). Find a counsellor, support group, etc for yourself. If you can't take it anymore, something has to change and perhaps kicking him out is it. But if you are posting here, I'm guessing you have doubts about that. The alternative is to get other(s) to hold your son accountable and releive you somewhat while you regain your peace of mind, and learn different techniques to handle your son's outbursts. Do NOT answer FIRE with FIRE. I have a difficult son myself (adhd, odd, and mood disorder) and we are using PINS, AFY, etc. It has not solved the issues, but it certainly has calmed things down as we continue to seek solutions. Don't give up!

Denise - posted on 10/07/2011

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why don't you get the hell out of where your at and start a new life. If he is constantly on your ass about the abuse your husband caused him sure he's gonna be pissed. Why didn't you protect me and the famous it's all your fault why I'm the way I am today. I say bullshit! Look Sorry about the past and there's absolutely no way I can change it, but what you do with your life is all upon your own will. He will never understand and you dear will never hear the end of it. Start planning now and prepare, the day he turns 18 be sure to have an apartment on deposit 6 states away from the current one you live in and never disclose your address to anyone not even your closest friends because the reality people even your closest friends will never ever learn to keep their mouths zipped. Start a new life, meet a new man and live your golden, silver and platinum years in sheer happiness!........Good luck friend!

Patricia - posted on 10/07/2011

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Also, I've been readin some of these comments and some mamas saying,"Oh don't have him arrested!"
So should she just continue to get the shit beat out of her?

Patricia - posted on 10/07/2011

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You may want to have him hospitalized in a psych facility for some counseling. Or you can call the cops and have him arrested. Maybe a look at jail will change his tune! Good luck hun! you do not deserved to be abused and it's time for some TOUGH LOVE!!!!

Rose - posted on 10/06/2011

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Please don't have him arrested. It will never end, then. Try and find counseling for yourself. I would suggest Alanon. It's for you and it may help. It's $1 a meeting as a suggested donation. I'm so sorry, sweetie. I know these times are hard, but putting him in the legal system will only make matters worse. I understand. I feel for you. Keep the lines of communication open and talk to other moms and take care of yourself always. It will get better. Call Alanon in your area. Eat healthy. Be well.

Caroline - posted on 10/04/2011

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hya hun i do really feel 4 u im a mum off 5 sons aged 21 18 15 13 & 7 and my house is the same i feel to run sometimes but not gonna help i had this with my 17 yr old who blamed me for a nasty relationship i had just come out off he blamed me for all i no now he didnt meen it but it hurts at time i ended up kickin my boy out as sometimes bein cruel 2 b kind does work he ended up stayin with family but i was then told as i kicked him out i could b done for neglect as he under 18 i told my boy when he agreed to get the help he needs he could come home as was affectin younger syblings i agreed to go anger management and alcohol coucellin for binge drinkin with him now we all ok its a long road hun and things hard but will only get better try contactin social services for contacts for young peoples services good luck :-)

Chris - posted on 10/04/2011

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Are there any courses in anger management that he can attend? How many times did your son's biological father beat him when he was young, what age was your son while this was going on? I guess you knew about it but what did you do to stop it? If my boys' father hit either of them he would have me to deal with - I might be smaller than him but I'm a Mum and love my boys more than anything in the world. I agree with Carlie, your son needs you to prove to him that, whilst you don't like what he's been doing, you will always love him.

Best of luck.

Donna - posted on 09/29/2011

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Hi Barbra, Your son needs counselling & pronto, becaz even if u throw him out of the family home still wont fix things he will still continue 2 suffer within himself & blame u & it could lend 2 further abuse 1way or antr, 2wards other people or himself, feeling abandon, a failure r the wosre feelings 1can feel at any age, depression could set in followed by suicide. Both of u need 2 work on how he's feeling, why he blames u ect. A family counsellor can help u both in the healing process. & yr son can have his own counsellor as well... My son who is now 21 & diaignoised wiz having ADHD when he was 5 began acting out at 15 verbally, then abusive physcially & mentally, violent, cutting himself, suicidal wiz seveal hospital admits, destroying public & school property, fighting the list goes on. At 1st i thout it was the friends he was hanging wiz at school. 2 yrs i watched my son slip away slowly I tried everything, i watched him suffer i suffered wiz him in silence & feeling helpless, i was at my ends. So I packed him up & we traveled over 2000 miles back home to Brisbane for family support. It hurt like hell but i did tell him if this trip he dosent change his ways I was going to leave him their on my return trip back to Melbourne. Cut long story short. I got him drunk wiz my sisters help & wiz alittle encouragement & sernieros he blurted out tat he was raped by a friend of mine. He has moved beyond & on, shifted the blame & the pain, the confusion & anger & hes dealing with it everyday, we all are. But after tat nite of getting my lil boy drunk wiz my sisters - I got my son back - Its been a very long long journey for us all, very emonitional & straining but we r getting there 2getr as a family. Barbara u have a long journey ahead of u wiz yr son & it will b very bumpy, rocky road, back stepping 5 steps winding round & round, up & downs & forwards stepping 1 step. But as a mother we give birth to these most presious little angels we as mothers shouldnt give up on our children. We bring them in2 this world 2 loved them unconditionally 2 protect them with our own life, when there down we as mothers are meant 2 pick them up no matter what age they (girls or boys) are they will always need their mothers unconditional love & understanding, protection & support... Never give up on yr child no matter what, its very hurtful & such pain & sorrow (& the hatred tat eats u away) 2 carry in ones hearts for a lifeime knowing tat yr not wanted or loved by yr own mother. Take it from me I grew up wiz my grandmother from early age of 18mths old. I have a 24 yr old daughter, sons aged 22 & 21 & a 2yr old daughter & my motto is "my children r my world" they r our future.... I pray & hope that you & yr son both seek help 2get yr baby boy back on track & look 4ward 2 a bright & happy future..... Their is enough sorrow & war going on in the world around us let us not add 2 it!!!!!!

Mariah - posted on 09/29/2011

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Barbara, I really hope you take to heart all the advice you've gotten and that you don't take the easy way out by turning it over to law enforcement. Carlie has a valid point and I truly hope you can find a way to mend your relationship with your son. He needs you now more than ever.

Carolyn - posted on 09/26/2011

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You don't have to wait til he is 18.. he can be put in a foster group home..you don't have to put up with physical and emotional abuse..

Mariah - posted on 09/22/2011

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Do not get the law involved unless you are ready to ruin his adult life before it begins. I work for a criminal defense attorney and I can tell you that an Assault Family Violence arrest can ruin a person's ability to secure employment, housing, and even educational opportunities.

Like a lot of other folks have said, get counseling. Do not be a victim any more.

Jennifer - posted on 09/22/2011

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Family counseling may be an option, but most states allow parents to file a "CHIN" report on out of control/abusive teens. The state will take him in custody, usually a juvenile detention center, for a short time period, and then the family can work the issues out with a court appointed counselor.

Nancy - posted on 09/19/2011

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This isn't the kind of thing he would be charged as an adult for. I agree with Lisa, don't wait, and don't make excuses. Stop the behavior right now, and ge the help at the same time. That is what the juvenile court is set up for.

Tracyld - posted on 09/19/2011

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I feel for you. He needs someone to blame and you are the one who is still there. Acknoweldge his pain and try to get him some help. Therapy, counseling, whatever you can.

Terri - posted on 09/17/2011

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I'm so sick of reading...pack his bags, pack his bags! He did not ask to be put here on this earth! Or for the parents he received. I am in the middle of a an angry 17 yr old just aged out to 18. tried to get him help before he turned 18 but still a senior in school. I'm lucky still doing well in school and will graduate. I watch a kid across the street whose parents (mom) kicked him out for partying and won't let him back in the house. The kid lived out of his car for 2 months and hopped from one kids house to another. He now lives across the street my neighbor took him in. Hes very regretful for what he did. (had a party while parents gone) he has a job,looks cleaned cut granted didn't live parents shoes...but really...kick him out for good? where are the parents responsibilities to make sure that kid grows up to be a positive contributor to society? Just like I tell my dh...my son deserves a roof over his head. It is not his fault he was a product of something my dh and I did for pleasure. Yes he might be approaching life not appropriately but it is my responsibility to help him. I can't just cast him out on society to reak havoc on this world...too many people do and that is the source of alot of our problems with society these days. It is hard, its awful at times I admit, but life isn't easy...they are our responsibility, if we give up on them who is left? They don't think they need us but they do. A friend of mine just found a counselor who will come to their house...that sounds like a great thing, especially when you can't get someone to go to see a counselor.

Carlie - posted on 09/16/2011

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Don't worry....he's almost at that age where you can. Literally. Why wait though? Why continue with the emotional and physical damage? If he's causing you guys this kind of damage, then you are also causing him the same-indirectly.It's a vicious circle, you see? His actions are making you two unhappy, therefore, making him unhappier. If your child is doing something wrong, then there is ALWAYS something you, as a parent, could/should be doing better. Goes for your child as well. If he has to change, then so do you. I tell my 4 1/2 year old daughter this EVERY TIME she makes a wrong choice, because TOGETHER (promoting teamwork), we can try to solve it. Your son is SCREAMING for help. He may deny that up and down, sideways, backwards and forwards, but he needs to speak with someone. Someone who will listen and not judge. Someone who will not speak unless HE asks you to. Your son is VERY ANGRY with you. I imagine it's because he feels like you let him down. You were not there to support him. You were not there to save him when he needed you most. You will have to live with that. He already has. He DESERVES to hear from you WHY. He wants to know WHY. Take that child into your arms and give him all the WHY'S. He DESERVES it. He doesn't want to hear excuses either. Let me tell ya....he's probably going to want to hear a "I was very wrong" too. He DESERVES that as well. And it is partly a parent's fault. If they stood by, did nothing, didn't leave the father, or left the child....then the child would see that as partly the parent's fault. The good news? He's only SAYING it's ALL YOUR FAULT....because he wants to hurt you. Hurt you SO bad, because you are STILL hurting him. He knows it's not ALL your fault......but he's not going to admit that to you yet. He wants you to suffer. And you are. And so is he......still. He wants to hear from you. He NEEDS to hear from you. You can do it. Good luck.

Pat - posted on 09/14/2011

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Let's all remember that parenthood is a "learned experience". Many people are so manipulative, and good at picking their "targets". Do we really know people until we have lived with them a long time? Medications, past experiences, stressful family situations, money problems, can all cause people's behavior to change. We really have not lived that person's life who we committed to, and do not know what they went through in their earlier lives. Genes play a big role in behavior as well. People need support, not stones.

Pat - posted on 09/14/2011

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Tell him you will be calling the police next time, and then call them. He can't treat you like that under 18, as well. They would be a big help, sit down with him and read him his and your rights. If he's in school, still, they should be able to get him counseling help, although I am sure he is and probably has been in counseling for his past. Once he leaves school, any of those records could help support you in getting him help. Journal all behavior and even record his outbursts as proof, and have other's witness, as well. Unfortunately, you are required to almost take his rights away by going to court to force him into a place where he can get help, unless the school or community steps forward. DOCUMENTATION is important. Once he's 18, you may just have to have him removed from the home. You need to talk to area agencies for help, for advocacy help and the police, as well as school if he's there. Do it now, because once he's 18, there are not many options for him unless he pushes himself into help. Good luck. (I have advocacy training and ECE) PN

Rebecca - posted on 09/13/2011

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hey folks...two wrongs don't make a right. They both need counseling. Just because the child was abused doesn't mean she knew about it at the time it was occurring. We need to show a little compassion here. Unless you are perfect then don't be throwing stones at glass houses.

Ok that being said...there are pluses and minuses to all suggestions. Just like all things in life, choices have consequences. If you have your minor child arrested he COULD be charged as an adult or he could be charged as a minor. Either situation COULD be negative for your child but they also could be positive.
Barbara DID NOT come here to be insulted or abused. She came here for help with a problem. If she wanted to hear she was an awful mom, I'm sure she could have found a website for that, this website however is not! If you're not going to be constructive in your advice then DON'T give any.

Jody - posted on 09/08/2011

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Pack his bags and let him know that you are not going through this abuse anymore, if he wants to get coucelling or some profesional help for what has happened to him then, give him that option , but tell him that you will not accept his behaviour anylonger if he plans to live with you! Sometimes tough love is the only way to reach them when they get to this state, but only if you have tried everything else you can think of.

Caroline - posted on 09/08/2011

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@ Dale, you said, "he's the one choosing to abuse you, so let him worry about the long term repercussions...."

He's 17 and has been abused since he was little, and yet you are putting the entire blame on him?? Guess what? A child in that situation can't think of long-term repercussions. He's been taught to only be concerned about the present. Future for these kids means more abuse.

Bottom line--this boy is still a MINOR and in this country, you are the parent and responsible for him. This post which obviously states that she gives up and wants someone else to take over (as well as so many comments who agree) is ridiculous! I personally don't want every parent handing over their child to the state or to the prisons when the parenting responsibilities get tough. No one said parenting was going to be easy. But especially when your child has gone through KNOWN mental and physically abuse, I would think you, as the parent, would cut him some slack and have some empathy and sympathy for the child. I don't even know him, and yet, *I* want to take him in and help him out, unlike most of these posts who are condoning calling the police. If you're going to call anyone, it should be a counseling service, not the police!!!

Caroline - posted on 09/08/2011

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@ Dale--She's contemplating having her 17 year old abused son arrested. I think it's ALL our responsibility to make sure that she doesn't do more harm than good. I'm sorry, but I'm going to be empathetic to the child, not to the mom who obviously didn't stop the abuse and is now more concerned about herself than him.

If she gets him arrested and put in jail, and then he comes back shooting an entire school, you can refer back to your post about being sympathetic to her. Until then, I think it's our responsibility to be a part of the solution, rather than a part of the problem and to not enable negative parenting, which is what this site is supposed to be about.

Dale - posted on 09/08/2011

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Maybe you should get the whole story before you start blaming this woman. She is reaching out now and that is what counts. No one lives a perfect life....Who are you to belittle her without all the facts. I don't condone allowing children to be abused, but you shouldn't throw stones until you know the truth!

Caroline - posted on 09/08/2011

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I am just completely shocked that a "mother" would speak about having her child arrested and say she wants him kicked out, but yet, you never mention anything about therapy or any help or support that you've given him. The post you wrote is all about YOU and how you have to "deal with it". YOU SON WAS ABUSED AS A CHILD, and you're more concerned about yourself???

Have you ever sought professional help??? That's what you should have done in the FIRST place, a LONG time ago. This kid has been in pure hell his entire childhood, and all you want to focus on is how it's affecting you and how you want to have him arrested and out of your hair. wow!

Caroline - posted on 09/08/2011

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What the heck kind of mother are you? Is this post serious??? You allowed his biological father to beat him when he was young, and now you are surprised he is having problems, AND you don't think you are even partially to blame?! OMG lady. Sorry to say it, but I feel really sorry for your son. Not only have you not protected him all these years, but from your one paragraph, it looks like you have no intentions to parent him in the present or future either. It is YOUR job to raise your child, not society's through the jail system!!

I think you are doing more harm than good for your child, and YES, you ARE to blame for how he is right now. You can't have let him be abused as a kid and not expect him to repeat the cycle when he gets older. Do you not see this?

Unless you get help and learn how to be a supportive mother, I think you should find a more nurturing environment for your child to grow up or he is going to be a burden on society and the rest of us are going to have to pay the price for your failure to properly parent and protect your child when he was a minor and in your care.

Carolyn - posted on 09/08/2011

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so sad, u can only just love him as best you can, and let him know how much u care and are there for him. I have troubles with my 15 year old, not abuse but many anger issues, etc. It's tough, but we can only hang in there and look for support, most areas have support groups, there is counselling for both you and your son, and always other moms like myself we can share our feelings with, please feel free to chat with me anytime. If you like we can talk on msn, or Facebook. Just let me know, best of luck, and be strong!

Crystal - posted on 09/07/2011

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Helen were you abused? Do you know what this child is feeling or even his mother? What kind of encourement is that?

Crystal - posted on 09/07/2011

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You do not have to wait until he is 18 to have him arrested and I know it is hard but I called the police on my daughter when she became abusive to me at15. She was put on probation and had to attend anger managment classes. This helped because she had a place to vent her anger verbally without reprocussions and learned how to vent them at home with oout violence. You can protect yourself but you cannot hit back which is very hard when you have a teenager physically abusing you. Talk about ways for him to vent his anger.. Mine started running or climbed her favorite tree then when she was ready to talk in a calm fashion we try to talk again. It is hard at first but tell him that you will not hit and neither will he and if does hit there is a consequence and that will be answering to the police. If you wait then he may endup with a record that will never go away and that will effect him for the rest of his life. Do not take the blame for his behavior and while it is true that he learned this behavior from his father, point out to him that he did not like it and therefore why should he inflict this on anyone else. Make him resposible for his own actions. His father hurt him but that does not give him the right to hurt you or anyone else. Be firm not hateful, and remind him while you are talking that you love him but you will no longer take the abuse. Tell him that if he hits you then he has made his choice and knows what the consequense are therefore he is making a choice to accept the consequences. This is Tough Love and you will have to get tough.

Carla - posted on 09/05/2011

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There's one thing I want to mention, and I'm ashamed that I didn't in my past posts. With abuse, the mind sort of gets stuck at the age the abuse started. I have seen it all my life. Your 17 y/o son is stuck at the age the abuse started. To him, the abuse is as fresh as it was back then. He's fighting back the only way he knows how. If you have a church home, go to the youth pastor or the senior pastor and ask for help. What this kids need is security and love.

God bless, honey

[deleted account]

First, I am SO sorry for your situation and the stress and sadness and pain it must bring. It is incredibly difficult to be in an abusive relationship with a loved one, especially with your own child. Absolutely therapy is a need for both of you but you can't force an abusive 17 yro boy into therapy. You need to think about you first - you need to get you safe, physically and emotionally and it seems to me that your options are (1) call social services and talk to them to discuss a plan and decide whether legal action is the best way or if there are other ways to go about addressing this; 2) Get yourself in therapy no matter what. You need therapy for everything you've gone through and are going through but you're also going to need the support when you make the hard decisions that will come soon (calling the police, pursuing legal remedies, etc....). In most states, just because your son is abusive does not mean he is going to jail. In fact, you will need to report the abuse of him as a child and that may be your best bet. What is it that you think they are arresting him for? You will have to press charges for assault and battery. I'm not sure that it's the best idea. You want him to be in some sort of rehabilitation rather than to suffer punishment. He deserved to be protected when he was a child and he wasn't - he was abused. No, that does NOT give him the excuse to be abusive now BUT it helps to understandand certainly gives him the right to help/support FIRST! Does your son have any friends, like good friends? Can you go to some of his friends? Even one of his friends? You are going to need LOTS of support for as long as it takes to find some healing and resolution in this situation. Do you have good friends? Do you have supportive family? Create your own support group. Find the professional resources that you need and use them. Make the hard decisions but make them carefully. Don't get wrapped up in a legal battle and make this about justice for you. You need to help your son get the help he needs without forcing him but by making him realize that you care more about him than he may realize. He probably feels like he is not valuable enough to anyone to keep him protected. His unconscious mind is not going to allow him to go unprotected and vulnerable ever again - the victim becomes the perpetrator. He has all these negative emotions that he doesn't know what to do with - he is probably depressed, maybe he is using substances and all of this combines to create the perfect storm for him to become the perpetrator. He is going to hurt people that he loves, most likely the people that he holds somehow responsible for his own pain. I hope you get the help that you need and that everything turns out okay!

Arlene - posted on 09/04/2011

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Try not to engage in abusive conversations or even convince him he is being abusive. Most likely he knows and you are just "baiting" him and that is what he wants. Secondly, stop doing things for him - ie: paying for his phone and extra activities until he can respectfully talk to you. That is what we had to do.

Dale - posted on 09/02/2011

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You do not have to wait to have him arrested if that's the route you want to take, but I would try counseling before doing anything drastic! Please seek help, an abusive son is just as bad as an abusive spouse. Although he isn't 18, they will still charge him with assault and family violence charges. The more he gets away with this the worse it'll get. As for his permanant record....he's the one choosing to abuse you, so let him worry about the long term repercussions....you should not take any kind of abuse from anyone! I wish you good luck and hope it all gets better for you!

Karen - posted on 08/29/2011

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what happened to him when he was young is terrible BUT not an excuse for his behaviour toward you he has been allowed to behave like this up to this point and you need to tell him to stop or there is the door... he can not use past abuse as an excuse to abuse others he is old enough to know better and making excuses for it makes him worse you need to get him and yourself help before he turns 18 or you may lose him to the prison system forever

Judy - posted on 08/29/2011

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You did not mention at what age he became abusive, but I don't think it is too late to get help. You have to take action now though. Don't leave him to become societies problem. He needs anger mangment and someone to talk too about his father. He likely feels that you should have stopped the abuse when he was little and being hurt by this animal. Parents are protectors in a childs eyes and that is the ideal of what should be. Tragically when one parent, or God forbid both parents are abusers the child suffers or ends up dead. Don't wait and have him arrested because you just don't want to deal with him. That is why you are where you are at now. Get the two of you professional help. This is your baby that you brought into the world. Step up and rescue him now from his inner demons. Get Help!

Kerry - posted on 08/29/2011

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u can look into getting an avo but i am not sure what age u can get them and then he will not be able to verbally abuse u anymore i wish u well thru ur issues that ur having

Liz - posted on 08/25/2011

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He's testing you and just waiting for you to validate his feelings that no one loves him. He doesn't feel worthy of love and believes that since his father couldn't love his own son, there must be something wrong with him. My godson was abandonded by his father at 7yrs old and he has major issues as a 22 year old man today. Don't give up on him. Everyone can change once they are showed what real love is. His behavior suggests some form of self medication whether it is alcohol or drugs. Start with family counceling. he will just tell the councelors what they want to hear to get out of it unless you are involved.

User - posted on 08/23/2011

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This should have nipped when he was younger. Fear is the greatest gift you can give a kid. Once they fear you they will always respect you. I feel bad that you have to go through this with your son but maybe his father saw something you didn't and was his reason for whipping him. I agree with the others, he needs REAL help. A kid that can abuse his mother is a kid that can and will abuse anyone. He's biting the hand that feeds him. NOT GOOD!!!

User - posted on 08/23/2011

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This should have nipped when he was younger. Fear is the greatest gift you can give a kid. Once they fear you they will always respect you. I feel bad that you have to go through this with your son but maybe his father saw something you didn't and was his reason for whipping him. I agree with the others, he needs REAL help. A kid that can abuse his mother is a kid that can and will abuse anyone. He's biting the hand that feeds him. NOT GOOD!!!

Laurie - posted on 08/21/2011

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You are never too far gone, But before he turns 18 you should get him into some counciling and maybe yourself as well. The blame game he is playing will never stop if you allow it. He is accountable for his actions and i would call him on them. my daughter is a recovering addict and i know the heartache and stress you are under and i encourage you to draw a line and set boundaries for yourself.

Renee - posted on 08/20/2011

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I'd kick him out and change the locks, time for tough love IMO. 17 years old can be considered an adult if you sign a court order for emancipation. My husband needed to get away from his abusive father as a teen, he joined the Army at 17 and completed high school in the military. Switched around, I know, but do NOT put up with the abuse, it tells your son what he is doing is ok so he might continue with other relationships in the future. We lost our first daughter in 1993 at 13 months old and are very protective of our kids, but if my son or daughter did that to me at their ages NOW (13 and 16), I'd have them taken away to a teen home. If they were 17, then I'd do what I suggested to you. It would hurt me like hell, but it sounds as if you are in danger now so that's what is best IMO. Hugs being sent your way...

Terri - posted on 08/19/2011

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Sorry just have to add more...I read Brenda K's reply. Brenda you must be a therapist cause you sound like you have knowledge in this area and your are RIGHT ON! It did help us when I stopped fighting with him wanting to win, wanting him to change. I admitted to him my faults which at first reluctant to do cause I thought that would make me look like a weak parent. At first he would grab onto those things and throw them in my face on the next arguments. But I noticed if I keep my voice down and I sit down I'm much better off. He will argue and stand over me and it feels very controlling. But the minute he uses fowl language I say we are done I"m not talking to you anymore, please leave my space. I leave if he does not. He has gotten better I think he used it for shock treatment. Now he realizes it doesn't get him anywhere. And he does think he needs to win...he is struggling to control everything right now. We didn't have anyone else close enough to him to talk with him so the therapist was the answer for us. Unfortunately, the straw that broke the camels back also broke his small relationship with his twin brother. They duked it out, and I let them! I never have but this day I didn't care, I thought maybe it would teach him to shut his mouth. It didn't he hated his bro for the beating, he went so far as to threaten to turn him in for abuse. When he ran away we went to a cop friend and questioned the run away thing with him. He asked to please not turn him in as a run away, because they don't return them to the parents here, they put them in juvey with kids with worse problems where he just might have made freinds with a worse sort of character. It was good advice I feel and I'm glad we didn't. He was gone for 5 long days, I did have footprints thanks to tje parental system in our "village". I always said "it takes a village to raise a child" and it does. Reread Brenda's post she is giving good advice.

Terri - posted on 08/19/2011

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I was there just a couple of months ago, but frustrating for us we don't think we did anything to make our son act this way. And yet it was so bad to him he ran away! I really think it is because they don't know how to handle the physical and emotional turmoils life at 17 is throwing at them. They know 18 is right around the corner, and they think its a magical age...they think once they are 18 they get to stay out till they want, and it means freedom to them. news came to both my twins at 17.99...no thats not what happens, maybe by law but by mom and dads law there still are chores to do and rules to follow. My son has put me down on every count possible from the car I drive to the profession I have chosen. We tried to see a psychiatrist but dh was so mad at our son that he and the pych. bucked heads. then it put me in the middle more. It did though make my son understand some of his feelings cause he did talk about it with her. Course she couldn't share with me but did tell me all was not lost and how there was a specific event that traumatized him. I never did find out what it was cause I didn't go back to her after she wanted to put me in the middle of my dh and son. Then I became "done" with him and funny thing my dh and I shortly switched roles and as we did my son chose him as an ally and me as the enemy. Thats when he started treating me really badly. verbal abuse no physical for me thank goodness. but it hurt me down to the core. I have to say...he has become alot better at verbalizing what is bothering him. although it seemed like everytime we talked it turned into an argument. So I definitely would try a therapist if you can afford it. I didn't know how I would get him to go, but I used the car as incentive. Thank goodness I had that. And I think the therapist and he got along real well. I chose one that was young and cute cause I knew he would pick her apart if I didn't. I would have liked a man but couldn't find one young enough in my area. They need someone they can feel they have something in common with. anyways your not alone I know the frustration, many tears have been shed, questioning my own parenting, thankfully it hasn't affected his grades and he has decent freinds (no drugs/alchohol that I know of). Try a therapist you have nothing to loose and if nothing else it might be nice for you to talk to someone too.

Sally - posted on 08/17/2011

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You are obviously crying out for help and you must learn to look after yourself first before you can look after anyone else.You will have to learn to separate the issues you are dealing with and how it is making you feel from your relationship with your son and the way he is behaving. You will be more effective in your approach if you refuse to be treated like that and deal with him like how he should be dealt with (if he was not your son).The most important factor here is you and your peace of mind and sanity. You cannot change your son but you can start by changing yourself. Our children mirror us and in saying that they only play up when they know what strings to pull as they are smart to manipulate when shown weakness.You are the parent not the child and be strong, firm and never doubt yourself. I have 5 children of my own who are now adults and I am the disciplinarian in my house not my husband. They are all healthy, well adjusted adults and are good role models to other young parents and their peers. Respect is earned and it is as simple as that. At times you have to fight fire with fire, showing tough love and believe that it is for his own good and it has to be done. You are his first teacher and if you do not teach him life skills then you have failed him because that is our responsibility as a parent as they did not ask to be here in the first place. My motto: "If I give you nothing but the best of myself I expect something good back as life is not a one way street and nothing is for free" If they don't comply then don't expect anything from me as there are conditions that need to be met called teamwork and if you think you are too good then the door is there. You are most welcome to move out as I refuse to be stressed out by you as life is not supposed to be like that." Life is full of choices and your son is a completely different entity from you and you can only do so much but he will do the rest and will have to live by his choices when he gets out there in the real world. Sit down with him and have a real intelligent decent conversation not a screaming match, but talk to him. If that is not possible then give him some questions to answer about what is troubling him and not to act like a child but to act like an adult his age. You will be surprised at what might happen. Do not limit yourself, your possibilities, remain positive and excercise your authority giving him your undivided attention.You cannot buy his love its for free but you will need to draw it out. All the best.

Brenda - posted on 08/16/2011

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Barbara, your seventeen year old son is obviously in what I know as the 3R's towards you and as you suggest perhaps the past. (Resentment, Resistence, and Revenge) and chances are, so are you. This puts you in a lose-lose situation. What is it the two of you fight about? Are you each looking to win? Or is it about ensuring the other doesn't win? If his behavior is endangering you, well than you must act appropriately. I know you are doing the best you can with what you know, as parents we all do. Have you tried simply hugging him and telling him how much you love him when these situations arise? Or maybe a small gift that says "I love you?" Maybe there's a time that you and your son could set aside for open honest responsible conversation - without blame or judgement. Setting ground rules in the home for fair fighting which ensures his feelings are heard as well might be a great start. (ie. 2 minutes each to talk while the other just shuts up and listens.) See when you both are in resistence, neither person will give in and the battle continues day after day after day and both you and your son lose. You love one another. You are the parent, its okay to say I'm sorry, I know you're hurting, I love you more than anything and how do we go forward from here? Dragging him to a counselor or jail will just further the Resentment, Resistance, and Revenge. Have a conversation and get his buy-in first with respect to family counseling. There are many youth camps and programs that can support him and adult leadership programs that can support you. Love him and show him, its only too late when he's gone.

Clarity - posted on 08/15/2011

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Get help now! Kicking him out may help him understand consequences. If this is too hard, don't just threaten to call the police - do it! The family court will help to get professional help for both of you. If he won't go, then undertake some kind of councelling for yourself. If you recognise and change your behaviours - you are in a co-dependent relationship - then his triggers will be changed. He will then find it more difficult to attack. You need help to stand up to him and change the environment that allows this behaviour. For your own sake, get help. And the next time the brat hits you - pick up the phone and call the police. Empty threats will get you nowhere - take action! We can love our kids to bits but we don't always have to like them and as the adults it is up to us to take action not delivered empty ultimatums. Go Girl, you can sort this!

Corne' - posted on 08/14/2011

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Is he the only child you have? My eldest son sorted out his brother when he stepped out of line and that kinda helped. Also if you have a relative that has a good relationship with your son, have them do the talking. I think sometimes a mother is just too close and our kids get too used to us. Some tough love? Hope my bit can help you. My only true option for all trouble is PRAYER. This I know works. God IS in control. Good luck.

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