I am madly in love with my best friend! Should I continue this dance?

Keva - posted on 05/06/2012 ( 40 moms have responded )

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I am madly in love with my best friend, he's told me that he loves me yet not in love with me. We are sexually active, spend a lot of time together, but no real relationship is coming out of all of this! I have been honest with him in letting him know how I feel and he just lets me know he loves me, but not that way. My issue is that he acts like he's in love with me at times. When other men are around he makes sure he's there and spends the night with me. We have been close for about 3 to 4 yrs. I have tried to let this feeling go, but it's not going anywhere! I try to distance myself from him and i miss him so and so does he because he seeks me out! He's also told me that he wants more, but doesn't go into details about it, he says that I am too sexual and I can't help my sexuality and he appears to love it. I get confused by us, my friends say we should just get over this crazy dance we are doing and get together! it's not me, it's him! Please Advise!!!

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Sarah - posted on 05/07/2012

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Stop sleeping with him. He has told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, and since he's told you that, you're disrespecting yourself by continuing to have sex with him. It will never change. Go meet someone who will respect you enough to be honest with you and not create confusion by having sex when he's not interested. Personally I would rethink continuing a friendship with the man at all.

S. - posted on 05/06/2012

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Me and my hb started as friends with benefits, I started to fall for him and thankfully he felt the same if he hadn't I would have had to walk away it's too much heart ache when it's one sided, your just setting yourself up to be hurt over and over again
I think you need to be strong and walk away if it's meant to be he will soon realise and come running back to you if not then a least you can move on with your life.

[deleted account]

Lust versus love. No strings attached. Friends with benefits aka fuck friends. Nookie nookie with no committment.

In my opinion, I view this type of behavior as a downward spiral of self-esteem. Not to mention the emotional part that may, or may not impact your parenting. The last person who I knew in real life that engaged in this type of "relationship" was with a married man, and IMO, she just slutted herself out because it felt so damn good and it was the best sex ever.

If I were you, I'd end this pseduo-relationship and seek someone who is there for completely: emotionally, sexually, financially, and who has truly earned your love and heart.

Natalie - posted on 05/07/2012

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By the sounds of it, you have made your feelings clear and so has he, It would be easy for me to say *just accept what relationship you have and be happy with it, or end it* BUT even though that is the right thing to do, it wouldn't be that easy for you to follow through with would it? Id suggest maybe putting some distance between yous, maybe see someone else? it might be what you both need, it might make him realise how he feels, then again it might not. I dont think you should give up straight away, and if you really love him then its worth a shot to convince him that you would be good together, figure out what is stopping him from making that commitment to you. But at the end of the day, if you try all of that and he still doesnt want to commit, i would either accept that he does not love you the way you want, and accept being used for comfort until he finds someone he actually loves, or just walk away.

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Heather - posted on 08/14/2013

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I'm in the same situation me and this guy have been basically friends with benefits for 7 months then he says he wants to be just friends cause he knew I was in love with him and he wasn't ready for a relationship, so when I told him I won't have sex with him anymore he gets all defensive about it, I feel like his play toy but he swears up and down that I'm not a play toy to him, and he is the type of guy that refuses to lie, so I feel like maybe he does have feeling for me but afraid to act on it. Guys are just a confusing sex sometimes. So advice for you is do what I'm doing, still hangout with him without the sex and flirt with other guys, if he doesn't like it and is getting jealous then he does have feelings for you but is afraid to act on it. Best of luck Hun

Nele - posted on 09/28/2012

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This is insane. I just googled something, trying to get some answers, and I'm reading my exact story in your cry-for-help. I'm also madly in love with my best friend. We started out as a couple, untill after a month he told me he couldn't commit. My children were too much of a responsibility, and he just doesn't feel that much in love with me, as I do with him. Since then I've been trying to avoid my feelings, but it just doesn't work. I met an other man now. This man is crazy about me. He's willing to offer me so much, a real future. And I'm trying very hard to love him like he seems to love me, but my best friend keeps getting in the way. He's taken possesion of my head, my soul and my (as E L James would say it) inner goddess...

My advice to you, let him go... Walk away before you meet somebody who's worthy of your love and you find yourself not being able to love this one. Don't make the same mistake I did. Trust me, I know how terribly hard it really is, and it may even be quit naive, since I'm not able to do it myself, but you seriously need to let him go... Good luck...

Pasty - posted on 05/17/2012

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Well, of course you can't get out of the circle because you keep doing the same moves. He is telling you that you are not his soul mate, and yet you feel he is yours. Unfortunately, a lot of times sex intensifies the feelings that you have. There are definite things about you he is finding uncomfortable (i.e. you are too sexual.) You are right, you cannot help that is the way you are. It's just that he seems to want more than sex with someone. Besides a physical connection there is a lot more that goes into a full blown relationship. Passion is not the same as love. If you continue on this path you can become seriously hurt emotionally and permanently ruin the friendship portion of what you have - if that hasn't already happened. I always suggest that people become friends first before becoming romantically involved and then getting married. Just know that he is communicating with you - you have to listen. Your confusion stems from you not wanting to accept what he is saying. You cannot force him to commit. Perhaps he will if you can keep your distance long enough for him to realize that he does want more with you. You won't know until you back away and see what happens.

Deanna - posted on 05/17/2012

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Sounds like he just doesn't want to commit. That is not good for you or your children. They are also going to get heartbroken. The longer he is around the worse it will be for them. He needs to decide. Also remember as long as he isn't committed to you he is free to sleep with and be with anyone he wants. This opens you up to STD's and all kinds of problems. Anyone he sleeps with, you sleep with.

Keva - posted on 05/15/2012

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Everyone, the craziest thing has happened. We stopped the sex because we talked about this and how important we are as friends. We are still hanging together everyday and we are enjoying each others friendship. It is so hard sometimes, but I see this as only being a friendship. Sometimes he seems like he wants more, but is afraid to act on it and I just ignore those days because I can't do this to myself any longer!

Keva - posted on 05/15/2012

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no he doesn't have another relationship. I hang out with him and his friends and him with mine. we are together almost every day and night and if not he's calling me or vice versa

Gai - posted on 05/14/2012

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You are ready to settle and he isn't and you are AFRAID to offend him by speaking your truth clearly. I speak most honestly (without malice) to those who love me. If they get pi$$ed in the moment, they are still able to see the truth eventually. People who really love you NEED you in their lives and won't let you go just so. You are just you and he is just himself. Explain what you want and why you want it and see if it coincides with what he wants. Some persons like to sort out their own independence to a certain point before settling. Some enjoy their own individuality and just want to keep their private lives private and separate. My friend told me of a married couple who had homes "just down the road" from each other while they were courting and who kept them long after they got married. The husband said that when he got home from work, his favourite thing to do was get dressed and a go visit his then girlfriend and spend the night. If that suddenly changed, he would have find a new girlfriend to go visit. LOL

Pamela - posted on 05/09/2012

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Sounds like a "come hither,go away" relationship. Often sex is what defines a relationship and it seems that this is the case with the two of you.

See if you can exercise some self-control when it comes to sex. Tell him you want to have a relationship without sex for a while to see if the relationship is worth keeping. Then stick to your guns. It will take MAXIMUM self control if you have a high libido, but MIND OVER MATTER is possible, especially so you can separate your "sexual" feelings for him from your "emotional" feelings.

Though nothing in this world is "separate" as we are all one cellular energy, we still have the ability to control our appetites. Seems like you need to withhold the sex to see if the relationship is based on friendship or mutual attraction. That means be able to let him have sex with others if he so chooses. If he does, then what you call "love" is not really love. Besides he has ALREADY TOLD YOU he doesn't love you in the way you want. Why aren't you ACCEPTING of his truth?

Personally if a "best friend" told me that I would simply drop the sex and move on to receive a partner who did love me in the same way hat I love him.

I know it is easier said than done, but at least he is being HONEST with you!!!!!!!

Blannie - posted on 05/09/2012

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Been there done that! Keep in mind, men have no problem telling us what they mean. He has stated that he does love you but he is not in love with you. Believe him and stop allowing him to be sexually involved with you with out requiring him to committ to you. Men only do what we allow them to do and you have to stop allowing him to get away with all the benefits of you without committing.. Unless that is what you want...IJS

Sally - posted on 05/08/2012

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The relationship you descibe sounds very much like a married man with a lover. he is
acting that way. Does he have a commitment elsewhere.

Sarah - posted on 05/08/2012

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He told you he doesn't love you like that. Why don't you believe him? Of course he's going to protect his booty call interests when there are other men around. He's not going to change his mind and suddenly declare his love for you. He's going to call you whenever he lucked out on getting laid when he dates other women. He doesn't love you enough to date you. He doesn't love you enough to marry you. He loves you enough to have sex with you. Why are you letting a great guy who wants you think that you are off the market? Seriously, ditch the loser. If he doesn't want you as a girlfriend ( and he HAS said that) then go get you a guy who would be proud to say "I'd like you all to meet my girlfriend"

Lawjohns - posted on 05/08/2012

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Sarah
Please dear, choose what it is that you want from this love affair. One hand cannot clap and if this gentle man does not want a relationship with you, stop for a while and see the answer as to why this is so. Is it help with the bills and other financial assistance you are seeking, and therefore, you are rewarding him with your beautiful body for his contribution? I am sensing more to this relationship than what you are saying. Please dear, take a look at what it is you want from this relationship (as this sounds like a relationship to me) and make up your mind to do something about it. Is it that you said you have children? If so, you have the obligation to respect your children and be careful the examples you set for them.

Sarah - posted on 05/08/2012

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Respect Yourself! You're holding onto these hopes that this man will come around eventually. He's not a man, he's a Skeez! No real man would treat a woman that way. Stop the sex, stop all contact altogether. My sis was in a similar relationship for 4 years then found out he was sleeping with other women too. That finally gave her the strength to break it off for good. A year later and she's madly in love with a man that treats her well and they're planning their future together. She had to find the respect for herself before she could do this. Her Ex? Who knows. Once she cut ties sexually he stopped coming around. He used to pay her bills sometimes to. You know what that makes you Though? Sex for Money? Im not trying to be mean, Im just hoping some bluntness will help you to see how horrible this relationship is. Don't wait, don't be friends, don't hope he'll come around if you give him sex or meet someone else to make him jealous. He isn't worth it. You deserve so much better than that.

Bernadette - posted on 05/08/2012

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of course he acts jealous whenever another guy shows interest! If you meet someone else, then he loses his sex-on-tap! If he loves you, as he says he does, and he clearly enjoys being with you physically, but refuses to commit to anything...then he just really enjoys the friends with benefits thing you have going on, and that's all it will ever be to him. He will do whatever he can to prevent you from meeting another guy and moving on, because then he can't drop round for sex whenever he feels like it. End the sex, and if he loves you as a friend he'll still be there and be happy for you when you meet someone who genuinely wants to be with you. If it's just about the sex, he'll probably start 'being busy' a lot, and eventually you'll stop seeing each other altogether. Either way, you need to end it before you can know exactly where you stand, and while you're giving it to him you'll never move on with someone who wants a genuine relationship.

Davalyn - posted on 05/08/2012

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I think you should the sexual relationship with him because as long as you keep allowing him to drink the milk without buying the while cow he will. I understand you love him but let him know you have feelings and you want more from him. Don't keep taking no for an answer because he will only do what you let him. It seems like he loves you and might be a little jealous by you being around other men. So to find out what he really wants start dating another guy and put him on hold, and if does not respond to you then you will know if he really loves you or not.

Davalyn - posted on 05/08/2012

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I think you should the sexual relationship with him because as long as you keep allowing him to drink the milk without buying the while cow he will. I understand you love him but let him know you have feelings and you want more from him. Don't keep taking no for an answer because he will only do what you let him. It seems like he loves you and might be a little jealous by you being around other men. So to find out what he really wants start dating another guy and put him on hold, and if does not respond to you then you will know if he really loves you or not.

Marusya - posted on 05/08/2012

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Best friends + sex = Relationship or starting a Family
Best friends + sex = END OF THE FRIENDSHIP
SIMPLE
If he loves and respects you he'll go for the first one , If not YOU choose to be hurt or to be happy with the man who could be waiting specially for you just behind the corner

Hope - posted on 05/08/2012

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I SO GET WHERE YOU ARE AT! It all comes down to what your willing to put up with hun. In my situation I put my foot down and got rather heart broken but don't think things would have changed if I stayed. He's the father to my son, so unfortunately its something I have regular reminders of but fairs fair. If we ever happen again, it will be because I have his respect and his commitment. Good luck and what ever you decide you need to be able to stick to it and live with it (because its hard and going back on your word will only end you up with you where you are now). xoxo

Keva - posted on 05/08/2012

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On top of everything else, he's wonderful with my children and they love him. Also he helps me with bills if I need it!!! Crazy right! lol Maybe I should pace myself and if he comes for me, he comes??!!!!???

Keva - posted on 05/08/2012

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@ Stifler's Mum, that's exactly what we sound like! My friends are at us about why are we not a couple, but they approach us like we are and I will clear the air and say we are not because I know it makes him uncomfortable! I do deserve better and more than this play thing we are doing. It's just so hard to break that cycle and release what we do have. Like I said before we spend almost all of our time together! It's been over three years with this past year being more serious (as serious as we can get-I should say), but it's going nowhere! When I tell him I'm leaving him alone he gets closer to me and spends more time at my house! Ugh-I've tried to deny my heart for him, but it is real! I'm trying this "stay away" thing and hoping it works!

Stifler's - posted on 05/08/2012

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SO he just says he doesn't want a relationship because what you describe sounds like a relationship to me? As in he doesn't want to move on or parent your kids or provide for you financially?

Keva - posted on 05/08/2012

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Stacey,



I am hoping that's not what he's doing! If you knew him as a man he says that he's just not good in relationships, but he loves me. I can usually count on him for almost anything except a relationship. He puts me before his male friends and anyone else! it's crazy that we can't get to the relationship level! He usually sleeps over, we go out together (movies, dinner, etc) and he pays at times and sometimes I pay! So crazy!

Keva - posted on 05/08/2012

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I appreciate all of your honesty in this situation and I have tried to distance myself from him and then find myself craving him. I have started to stick to my plan of limiting our time together to get a little stronger in my dealings with him. I have also tried meeting other people and it's not working, I really love this man! I think the only thing that's working for me is to try to limit our time together. I really hate that our friendship is getting ruined because of the feelings I've developed, but I know that we wouldn't be able to continue as friends anyway if and when I get into a serious relationship

Stifler's - posted on 05/07/2012

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i'm assuming you want a relationship? i would tell him you want a relationship and if it continues to go nowhere you need to move on. i had a " boyfriend" like this once. He was exactly the same pretended he loved me and stuff but really just wanted to be single and keep me hanging on.

Jenny - posted on 05/07/2012

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he is sitting on the fence - wants the best of both worlds - not good enough !!!! give him an ultimatum.

Amber - posted on 05/07/2012

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Hes never going to want more if he has what he wants now, sex. Time to draw the line. If you want a relationship then accept nothing less. He doesn't need to do more because he thinks your fine with it. As for being too sexual, he's having sex so doesn't seem to be a problem at those times. This isn't a healthy relationship.

[deleted account]

It's like the old saying goes..."Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?" I agree with whoever it was that said cut him off. No relationship no sex.

Alison - posted on 05/07/2012

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It definitely sounds like he is immature. I have been told by different men that guys never want to be "just friends". And you are not just friends, are you.

He doesn't want to commit to you, which means he is incapable of love. You deserve better. This relationship is not gonna last.

Bonnie - posted on 05/07/2012

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By you sleeping with him, you are basically telling him it is okay to do this and not be in a relationship. You need to tell him like it is and that this is not going to continue unless he can tell you what he wants. He can't have his cake and eat it too.

Sally - posted on 05/07/2012

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Sounds like he wants his bread buttered on both sides. Walk away if he wants you he will come back and commit to you and a relationship. If he doesn't at least you can start to heal and move on with your life. I wish you well.

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