I am new to the website and I am in desperate need of some advice

Cynthia - posted on 08/14/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have 3 children...a daughter who is 9, a son that is 6, and another daughter that is 5. They are all pretty good kids. However, my oldest daughter has developed this HORRIBLE attitude! I try to be fair with my kids. They are different ages, so when its TV time, I let them each have a turn. However, my oldest daughter thinks she is the one in control and thinks she can watch whatever she wants. I then take the TV time away from her. She throws a fit but I don't give in. If one of the other kids has something she wants, she will manipulate them and say, "I will give you this if you give me that". She will get what she wants and then she will keep what she promised. I will make her give back what she took or make her give what she promised. She is so bossy to the other 2 kids and I try to explain to her that she is NOT the parent.
She is at that age where she wants to be more responsible but she takes it too far. I have noticed as well that she doesn't have that many friends in school and it worries me. I have talked to all her teachers about it and they say she is so sweet and gets along with everyone in class. But why is she acting out so badly at home!?! I just don't understand. My husband and I have used a reward system but it doesn't work. We will take things away from her that she loves or time out and that doesn't work. I am afraid that if we can't help her to change this attitude, she will get into so MAJOR trouble.
As upsetting as it is to admit as a parent, she is a BULLY! To her, its her way or no way. I don't give in to her. And my other children are watching her and I am afraid that they will try this as well.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for 7 years and I am getting ready to go back to work when school starts next week. My husband seems to think that things might get better when I start back to work. I don't know. I honestly think that there should be some counseling involved. Not just for her but for the whole family. I am NOT a perfect parent, but I am trying to teach my kids the basics...manners and respect mostly! I am just at the end of my rope and could really use some advice!

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Teresa - posted on 08/14/2012

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First of all, dont blame yourself. Children pick up on other peoples attitudes and they are or try to be great manipulators. And by her being nine, she is starting to grow into THAT almost teen/womanhood stage. Call her hand...tell the other kids do not give in and to tell you or your husband when she hits or threathens. You may be a house wife for now but your husband needs to tak to her to instead of saying its just a phrase. Since she wants responsibilities have her to do something selfless like help the other kids, feed the homeless, do races or walks(Breast Cancer Walk is in October) for a good cause, have her to write down a grocery list and have mom-daughter shopping time. Everybody tells her thank you and how they appreciate her help. The only way to break a Bully is Humility!

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Cynthia - posted on 08/14/2012

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She definately does not have a cellphone! She hasn't even asked for one, which is surprising to me! We have started the allowance thing. When she helps me or her dad out, she gets a certain amount of money. If she doesn't help, she gets nothing. I remember I had bought a bottle of shampoo just for her. Either of the other kids to get to it. In a week, that shampoo was gone! I couldn't believe it! She doesn't have long hair, its shoulder length! That should have lasted her weeks. So, I bought another bottle and told her that when she ran out of that shampoo, she would be responsible to buy the next. Well, that worked.... that bottle lasted her 3 weeks and then she bought the next bottle herself. She is at that age where we are trying to teach her responsiblity and the value of a dollar. We are also doing similar things like this with the younger children. But with this bullying her siblings... I just don't know! I know that siblings will argue and all but what she is doing is much more than that. I appreciate ALL the advice given here. And please keep helping me to help her! Thanks

User - posted on 08/14/2012

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Stay strong and don't give in. If you do your daughter will be like mine, almost 19 years old and tells me she is going to do what she wants. I have explained to her now that she is an adult you can certainly do what you want. You can drive the car that we gave you to only school and work, and if you get dropped from your classes because you decided to get there late, not show at all, or use your phone while in class. I guess you will be paying mom and dad back for the textbooks and credits we paid for each class. How long do you think she will have money in her bank account from working at Subway. For your 9 year old if she has a cell phone, which she really shouldn't have one at this age, but if she does. Limit the phone and watch what she does and who she is talking to on the phone. Kids today stay on the phone until 3 a.m. and then have a difficult time getting up for school or work. Absolutely, don't give the kids what they want and be consistent.

Katherine - posted on 08/14/2012

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My 6 year old is the same way. I think in all honesty school wears them out. When they get home they know the rules aren't as strict and they can act out. I would try a rewards chart with her. It always helped me. Since she's 9, I would put some greater expectations on it.

No tantruming during TV time, no bossing around etc....give her some good incentives for meeting her goals.

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