I am NOT a mother I need some help

Mark - posted on 10/09/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )





I am a male father of two and I know this website is intended for mothers. I am not trying to trick anyone and although it is probably considered misuse I didn't see anything specific saying no males and no where did I say I was female when signing up. My sister-in-law has overcome a lot in her life and that is why everyone was so happy for her when she found the perfect guy. After a very bad relationship with her first husband whom she had 4 children with he almost seemed to good to be true. He was great to her and to step in and treat her children so lovingly almost as if they were his children. It really was inspirational, like proof that if you never give up and keep fighting you will find happiness. They were together for a little over 5 years before finally getting married less then a year ago. About a month ago she got off work early and walked in on him molesting her 10 year old daughter and found out that it had been going on the whole time. I know it is very common in this type of case that the mother knew or ignored signs. I assure you that is not true in this case. Anyone and everyone who knows them are in complete shock, as I type this it I still have a hard time. I can't even think of anything that even now knowing what he was doing would have been a red flag. She didn't call the police until a day later partly due to the pure shock factor. He acting truly sorry and even though she knew she could never forgive him she did believe he was sorry. Now I know it is easy for people to criticize mothers who don't turn in their husband and I totally agree they should NO EXCEPTION! However, they don't and hopefully will never have to understand that it is not as Black and White as they see it. I also feel that this is a rare situation, the best comparison I can think of is the old Step-father movie. So, I am very proud of her for doing what was right for her daughter despite everything she has worked and fought so hard to build the last 10 years was gone in an instance. She can afford the house on her own so she and the kids had to move into a 2 bedroom apartment and the thing that it seems everyone doesn't understand is that she just lost what she thought was her soul mate. That alone can crush some people and yet she has to keep that bottled up because no one can understand how she could be upset about losing someone who was molesting her child. I've just tried to be there and mostly listen and let her know that she can say anything she wants to get off her chest with no fear of judgement. Assured her that it is normal to have thoughts like wishing she didn't get off work early that day or feeling sad because she lost the man she loved without feeling guilty or selfish. I've tried to remind her no matter what anyone says she is a victim as well and she needs to heal or she won't be able to help her daughter heal. She seemed to be getting better day by day, she went back to work a couple days ago and was adjusting to being a single mother again. I was starting to feel like I could start easing back and not be so worried about her. Until today, when one of my original concerns that I lost sight of was realized. Her husband had acted very regretful and appeared he was going to accept the consequences for his heinous crime. At the arraignment today she found out he had not confessed anything to anyone and secretly had hired an attorney. He has every intention of fighting this, whatever attorney he got seems to be the type of sleazeball you would expect to be alright with making money off a child's suffering at the same time trying to help put other children in danger. Sorry, I am trying to stick to facts but I am very scared for her, as she is the only witness. To me that means the only defense option is to attack her and her daughters character and creditability, as if they haven't suffered enough. Also, his brothers have been very "supportive", which really made me uncomfortable from the start but I could tell she really felt like they were helping her. I also could see how they might be the only people who could relate to the mixed emotions and feeling for him after what he had done. So I bit my tongue, plus I really had nothing but a bad feeling anyway. But when she called me in tears today telling me about what had happened I instinctively started asked detailed questions about her conversations with the brothers. I know feel that they were possibly advised by his attorney to observe and report the things she was confiding in them. She was a wreck when I pointed out some of the innocent feelings she shared with them and how they could potentially be twisted to make her look bad. I didn't like to but thought it was important she start preparing. However, I am out of advice and looking for some, especially from people with some legal background. Here is the information I have gathered so far (by the way she is aware I am searching the internet to help her):

She called the police and had him arrested but the state is pressing charges

She has not been contacted by any legal entities or persons for anything

She went to the arraignment on her own, not instructed by anyone

Neither the DA or judge had any idea who she was nor did they give her much info
Like I said it is shocking, so he will have no problems getting character witnesses whom can honestly testify that they don't believe for a second he would do that

He is getting probably very good legal and most likely has been since it happened

He intentionally misled her into thinking he wasn't getting an attorney

If she hadn't gone today she probably still wouldn't know

She has made comments to the brothers that could be assist his defense

I feel very strongly now that his actions were extremely calculated and he is executing a plan that he made knowing that this day was inevitable

She can not afford an attorney and is not in an emotional state to handle what I believe is going to be an assault on her and her daughter in an attempt to discredit her as a the only witness and even worse her daughter who might be the only person who knows what he was really like

There is no indication he was ever aggressive or violent. It would appear that he had her thinking it was normal

Lastly, my daughter was kidnapped from our house in the middle of the night when she was 3. Amazingly she was returned to us a few hours after we reported her missing (statistically speaking we were very lucky to ever see her again). Unfortunately she was sexually abused before she was returned and despite a very long and trying investigation her abductor was never caught. I have been able to use some things our family has learned over the years and pass them on but in realistically they are so different in so many ways. So although legal advice or a place where I could send her to get some legal advice (free) would be extremely helpful, I could use any advice to pass on to her.

I hope I have not violated any rules and if I have I hope I will be met with a level of understanding that all I am seeking is some help


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Gena - posted on 10/10/2013




I wish i could help but i have no idea how the law works where you live. If you would live in the same country i could have asked my uncle he works in the law business. Is there no place that you could get advice for free? Try looking through the internet if you can find help.Or maybe some other mothers here have advice. Difficult situation but i find it great that you are helping her. I hope things will go well.Good luck

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