i am so lost here...

Missie - posted on 04/29/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )




I am a mother of six. My four oldest children are from a previous marriage and the two younger ones are from my current husband. Here is my problem, I spent a lot of time separated from my oldest children and in the past two years my husband and i have obtained custody of them plus had two children of our own. My husband mother acts like the oldest kids are dirt and really would rather see them go. Truth is my oldest two are 20 and just turned 18, the 20 year old does work and helps with bills but keeps an unacceptable schedule (according to my mother in law)- My husband feels that the oldest 4 should do more, ok more like almost everything around the house. I say its a combined effort. This of course causes arguments When i stand up for them because i feel he is being too harsh or over reacting or i ask him to give a little he says im trying to compensate for what i missed. But truth is i just feel he is being too harsh. I've tried to talk to him but he only hears what he wants. I've thought about just walking out on the whole thing but thats just not how i am. I guess im just looking for suggestions on how to approach the subject without causing a fight and how to show him he is being insensitive and overly harsh and that is what is upsetting me..


Nicole - posted on 04/29/2011




Have you tried to talk to your husband about much you love ALL of your children. It sounds to me like he favors his kids over your other kids. Ask him if he could choose between his two kids that he has with you and maybe he will understand how you feel about all of your children. I divide chores amongst my kids by their ages, with the older one doing more than the younger ones. This may be why he feels that the older ones should do more. But with the older ones having jobs, then some of their household chores should be passed down to younger ones.


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Joan - posted on 04/29/2011




Maybe you and your husband need to sit down and each come up with chores that you think are acceptable for your kids (all of them) to be doing. The lists probably won't match, but it will give you a starting point from which to compromise. When you both have the chores written and your children respect them, it should take the anger out of the situation. I'm not sure why your MIL would even come into play in this conversation. It sounds like there are 3 parents making decisions when it really should just be the 2 of you making rules for your kids. Also, there should be respect for the fact that these are your kids, just as you would respect if the kids were your husbands from a previous relationship. They are older and your husband shouldn't be disciplining them, it's not the relationship that was nurtured between them. That's not to say they should be disrespectful to your husband, but nor should he be disrespectful to them or to you. Also, curious as to why custody changed. Have they been through a lot this year? Is their other parent not well? This would need to be taken this into consideration, having compassion for them. Family counseling may help to find a way to mesh your family. Counties usually have these services for low payments for free. Good luck. Hugs to you and your kids. They are lucky to have you and it's nice that you want it to work.

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