I am so sick and tired of my son's father constantly yelling at him, calling him a brat, see if I ever do anything for you. This alll stems from the fact that our son is a mommy boy. How do I tell him to shut up without getting slapped in the face.
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Christine - posted on 01/12/2009
I did notice that you said "my son's father" and not "my boyfriend/husband". Good.
I have read the other posts telling you to kick him out etc., but as an experienced forensic nurse in assault and abuse, my first thought is that BEFORE you do anything, you need to see somebody about safety planning. The MOST dangerous time in an abusive relationship is at the moment of change, and ending that relationship would be a huge change that probably he would not take very well. That means that your saffety and the safety of your child is at huge risk if you just "kick him out". This kind of step takes planning and very often the inlvolvement of outside help - like your family members, employer and co-workers if you are working, faculty and peers if you are a student. Sometimes the police need to be involved ahead of time just to ensure your safety. Depending on where you live, the police have different obligations when it comes to charging. Luckilly, nurses and doctors live by the same rules ALMOST universally when it comes to confidentiality and that means that you can go to your nurse or doctor and get help or advise and they are required NOT TO REPORT to police unless you ask them too (now, check this out for sure where you are before you spill your guts if you don't want the cops). Community agencies for abused women are very easy to access, even though emotionally it's hard to pick up that phone and call.
You need some suport, my friend. You need to plan your next few moves with an outside person who can give you objective and concrete help, on your terms.
And by the way...ALL little boys are mommy's boys. I have one too. Boys LOVE their mommies and girls LOVE their daddies.
C'est la vie...
Jo - posted on 01/13/2009
you could ask him to leave. believe me it works. me and my partner havent lived together since october although we are still dating. now that he doesnt have to live with the kids he is a great dad. he always comes to see them, buys them gifts and stuff. i know it sounds like a strange solution but what doesnt work for some works for others. i can honestly say we love him even more now he's not here. i hope you find the solution you were looking for. jo x
Jill - posted on 01/13/2009
you know what, if you are afraid of getting slapped in the face for wanting to defend your son then you should LEAVE!!!! If he's going to hit you then how long will it be before he hits your little boy. Children don't have a voice of their own to be heard so it's our jobs as mothers to protect them. If you don't want to leave the father at least send your child to live with someone else where he will not have to live in fear of seeing his mommy getting beaten or him getting beaten. Please do this for him and save a life.
Laura - posted on 01/12/2009
Firstly, I am so sorry to hear your husband would ever slap you in the face. I've read a number of the comments here. There are a lot, and tons of great info.
The following is my take on what you can do to get him to listen, until you can either get out of the situation all together, or he decides to change more completely:
I'd recommend finding a few good, reputable books/articles on the subject of disciplining one's child and photocopy/print the appropriate pages which you can provide him with at a time when the situation is not tense. Then, if your husband is willing to talk, ask him what he would like to see in his son's behaviour. Then do your best to come up with a game plan that results in the achievment of the items which are most important to HIM. Because you are creating the game plan it will automatically reflect what is best for the child, but your son's father is more likely to be receptive of something that seems focused on his own desire's.
I suppose what I am saying is that there is likely no good way to tell him to shut up when the yelling is happening. You need to convince him that there is a better way. I'm not an expert on the subject, but I would guess that yelling at his son constantly is only going to make the child MORE of a "Momma's boy". If you can convince him of that, you're very likely to hear a lot less yelling. Of course, this is all in theory. I'd love to hear whether you are successful in solving this problem. I have similar problems of my own.
I definitely have sympathy for you as I myself was relieved to have only daughters due to the fact I was quite sure my own husband would act similarly to any sons I might have had. I will pray for you.
Kathy - posted on 01/12/2009
ummm i am not really sure what to say here, I am sure you have enough people to tell you that its not good and I agree but I am not in your shoes so if you ever need to vent then I can be here for that one, talking things out as you plot your next step.....
Cassandra - posted on 01/12/2009
I had the same problem with my husband and my oldest son from a previous marriage. He came from an abusive step father environment as a child too. I left him. I told him that that kind of treatment to any of the kids would not be tolerated and it only caused me to resent him. He has since been to counseling and anger management and has had leaps and bounds of improvement and we were able to work things out. So my suggestion is to find out if he comes from an abusive past and maybe talk him into some form of counseling.
Cassaundra - posted on 01/12/2009
You need to leave, that is the majority view. Rather than repeat that, I'm going to tell you HOW to do that. I've learned this the VERY VERY HARD way. Do it quietly. Don't tell anyone. Make a plan. It will take time. you need transport and you need money. If you have access to money, start putting it away. If you have a car make sure it is completely repaired and in perfect running order. Get a set of bank accounts I.D. and credit cards that you can keep safe and secret, probably in a secret safe deposit box. If you have precious belongings, family heirlooms, pictures etc, get them out of the house and safely stored away. While you are doing all this, it'll take a while, give him a chance to get into counselling and sort his issues out. If he does, great, unexpected surprise, If he doesn't, the more likely outcome, you're ready to go. One day, you'll be gone, nowhere to be found. Once you're settled, if you feel safe, contact him through a safe , non-identifying method, like a third party mailbox, or through a non-traceable e-mail account. Offer him access if he signs over custody, otherwise, get a court order, and then, get your life back. Contact a local women's shelter for more information about how to make an exit plan that is safe and how to get custody according to the laws of your area.
Good Luck, it's for the best, your son will grow to love himself and you and will respect you for your strength.
Karen - posted on 01/12/2009
Your son's father is engaged in child abuse - verbal and emotional abuse. Ask him to seek help immediately and consider getting some help for yourself to help you to deal with the situation. If he won't get help (and even if he does) you have a legal and moral obligation to prevent him from abusing our son. Try your local child welfare agency for referral to appropriate services to help you and him.
User - posted on 01/12/2009
First of all iam no thererpist by any means, but i would not call him a father if he's treating his own flesh and blood that way. I as a mother of 4 i wouldn't tolerate such of thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you need to talk Iam here to listen.
Denitra - posted on 01/12/2009
Please understand, I am trying not to sound judgemental but your words make me feel as if this is such an emergency. The fact that you are still just "sick and tired" and have not already confronted him about it makes me feel you do not understand how absolutely URGENT this is to the health of your son's spirit and his mind.
I'm not just speaking to you as a mother and wife, but also a child who lived in a very verbally and physically abusive household. Let me tell you how I felt growing up so you can understand what your son may really be feeling inside.
I grew up feeling nothing I did was right or good enough. Even though I had straight As, advance placement classes, social activities, scholarships to college, awards for fiction... all of it crap because of harsh words said to me when I was 4 (and yes I still remember them. In day to day life and also in nightmares.) I felt as if no one could ever really love me in a relationship because the people who were supposed to cherish me as a child, never did.
Then, I tried to just totally melt away... be invisible... not exist. That behavior was acted out in everything from not speaking, drugs, to trying to not live anymore. After that didn't work my anger changed to hating my mother for not protecting me from him. In my eyes, even as a child, she loved him more than me because she saw what was going on and she didn't do anything about it. Finally, I went through a stage where I felt God didn't love me, because why would He put me with these people if He did?
This is far bigger than just hurting a child's feelings. We are entrusted with the lives of these beautiful, empty vessels. Part of who they become is directly related to whether we pour in love or dump our crap into them. You have a responsibility to love him, feed him, clothe him, and YES protect him... even if it's from his father.
Nancy - posted on 01/12/2009
If you are afraid of getting slapped then I suggest you get out of the relationship and take your child/children with you. A man with a bad temper is not a good thing, there is no need for anyone to label their children as brats or yell at them. Sounds like you are in a rough spot that will not only add issues for you, but will cause emotional harm to your little ones. Good luck and let me know if I can help. Been there done that.
Nichol - posted on 01/12/2009
OMG! I can not believe this is posted, but since you asked, here goes the dirtysouth answer.
If you can not talk to your son's father about YOUR child & how he is treating him, then you are in the wrong circle! Confronting or talking to your child's father, & you living in fear of what he might do IS NOT GOOD! It is not healthy for you or your child. If this is a volitale situation you are in, I suggest YOU seek help. Your son needs YOUR assurance if he is living with you that he is not a brat, & that even though he very well be a momma's boy, has nothing to do with the fact his father is a pig for calling him one! He needs not to be around such ridicule at such an impressionable age. If he hears it now & continues to hear it, what kind of adult do you think he will be?
I can speak on this, because I was a victim of ridicule as a child & I believed it until Adulthood. Actually until I had kids myself. I found myself doing & saying the same things with my 1st & her father reminded me that I was not my parent, & that I do not have to do this to my child! I cried for days, strickened with guilt that I tarnished my childs image of herself. Now, my daughter is 8 & she says I am her best friend!
You need to stand up for your child because he cannot stand up for himself!
I hate to be so blunt, but that is really the only way to answer this question!
Deb - posted on 01/12/2009
Read your last sentence to yourself. Have you heard of the saying "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar?" Telling someone to "shut up" isn't polite even if they are degrading someone you love. Maybe your sons father has found a "button to push" by saying those things to your son. The dads might not realize it, (moms too) that it hurts when they (dads) feel that the child loves mom more. If you let dad know how harmful verbal abuse is to your child in a polite and caring way, and then your are still concerned about getting slapped. You need to take a big step back and look at the big picture, and then you wouldn't even need to ask this question.
Deborah - posted on 01/12/2009
I'm sorry but I've put my husband in his place for this. Just because he has a bad day doesn't mean to take out on the rest. So what if your son is a mamas boy there is nothing wrong with that. I've learned that the son who treats his mother like gold will treat his wife the same way. Put your foot down and put your husband in his place.
Shannon - posted on 01/12/2009
Wow! I am blown away by this! I have to agree with the other women who would show him the door, but I know it is easy to say when I'm not in your shoes. This is something you have to think long and hard about. It is not just one single issue. It is many issues intertwined. Are you ready to spend your life like this? Do you have a support group or a family member who is willing to help you? Are you prepared to have your child affected by his dad in a negative way for the rest of his life? I'm afraid you are going to have the same question but with different words in the spaces for the rest of your life if you are not careful. Good luck.
Briana - posted on 01/12/2009
It makes me sad to read your question. I agree with Madi, I would be very tempted to show him the door, no one comes between me and my kids, but I also know it is a lot easier for us to say that then it is for you to do it. Have you thought of or mentioned going to counseling?
Elizabeth - posted on 01/12/2009
I usually talk to my husband when the kids aren't around, especially if it is about the kids! Just tell him how you feel. Offer another alternative to how he can express himself to his son. Then remind your husband that his son will eventually believe what his dad says he is. I've seen it at it's worst! A little boy I watch started telling me God didn't love him and constantly asked if I still loved him. All this was a direct result of the boys father, telling him God didn't love him, and that he wished he had never had kids! Make sure your husband is aware of what kind of damage he could do with his words. Offer for your husband to spend more time with his son, especially if he feels he is more attached to you. When my son was showing signs of severe atachment to me, I had my husband start putting Caleb to bed every night. I would say good night, and then My husband would put him in jammies, change him and put him in bed. It took a few days but eventually he stopped being so one sided to me and was more attached to my husband. After you've said and done all you can pray! I don't know if you believe in the power of prayer to God, but it has worked miracles in my family life. Good luck!
Madii - posted on 01/12/2009
im sorry but i am going to be very blunt..
any man that can talk to his .. or in fact any child like that has no right to be around them!
i cant imagine how that kind of treatment must feel to your son. and the fact that he is a 'mommy's boy' is no excuse for it at all.
plus the fact the you are scared to bring up the subject with him without fear of him hitting you just shows what kind of man he is.
if i was you i would be showing him the door with my foot firmly up his ass!!
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