Guest - posted on 09/17/2014 ( 6 moms have responded )
Right now, I really hate my life. Not every aspect of it, there is some good.....just not 'enough'
I love my kid, I want only the best for him, and sometimes I know that I am the best mother for him, but other times......more often than not, I wonder if he might be better off without me.
I'm often less than rational and other times overly rational. I do not understand emotions or connections, I don't have empathy for others, nor do I expect them to have it for me. I want advice, not prayers, not sympathy, not thoughts, just a simple and effective action plan. I am impulsive and eccentric. I do not fit societal norms, nor do I see the value in conforming to them, thus I find it difficult to teach my son to do so. I have a need to run away, keep moving--too long in one place is painful, and right now I hurt. I've been hurting for two years now.
Yet, I need to stay in this hell hole of a suburb. The schools are the best in the country and my kid needs that. My husband is happy here, though I hate it. REALLY HATE IT. I look around and am disgusted by everything. The bland normalcy of it all. I hate raising my son here, but I know it is good for him.....that's how I know I am NOT good for him. A good mother would cherish the privileges of living in a "sought after neighborhood" and driving her ugly, bland, little Mercedes around her ugly, bland little suburban town, to PTA meetings and churches--I don't even believe in any of the gods!!!!--and junior league, and the stables, and the gym, and all the other crap I have to drive to in order to do what???
I want to leave, but I can't leave without depriving my son of the great schools, the stable environment, the societal norm of the "upper class" whatever that means. I can't leave without him--I could never enjoy my life. So what's left?
Nothing. What is worse for him: A mother who is unhappy to her core, or no mother at all....one whose ashes are scattered across the seas? Would he even scatter them if I left? I'd hate anyone who purposely abandoned me for death......sometimes I wish for a car crash.