I am very confused

Tiffani - posted on 01/28/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello Ladies. I need some very good advice. I am 23 and a mother of 2 beautiful girls.I met my kids father when I was 16 and he was 23 I am no longer with him and uts been about a year. We had a horrible relationship we were together for 5 yrs and there was nothing but arguing and fighting everyday. I was verbally abused all the time. He put me down and made me feel so low. I felt worthless. I gained 30lbs while i was with him and when I finally lost it I felt so good. Right after I lost the weight i started to cheat on him.. I was so unhappy with him and very careless. Every chance he had he would make me feel worthless so at the time in my head I felt that cheating on him and having sex with other guys would make me feel worthy (WRONG).I felt more disgusting about myself. But It was so hard for me to stop. Finally I left him and its been a year now. I met a WONDERFUL man who just so happens to be my childs fathers worst enemy, which i did not know until after the fact. He so amazing treats me how I want to be treated, makes me feel so special, brings the best out in me. BUT now my kids father is claiming that he wants to change and that he wants to work things out. I'm so confused because this new guy is so asweome. I mean AWESOME ladies. But i feel like my heart is still with my kids father. I told the new guy that I need sometime to figure out what I want. But I don't want to end up making the wrong decision. I'm confuuuuused ladies. Need some good advice. :(

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Kayla - posted on 01/29/2014

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If you love two people at the same time, choose the second. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.

Rebekah - posted on 01/29/2014

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It seems to me that right now your focus of attention should be on developing a healthy sense of yourself without relying on what a boyfriend "makes" you feel. You'd mentioned that in a reaction to the abusive relationship with your ex, you turned to other guys to feel worthy. You realized that was not going to work... so did you find what DOES work? Until you are able to build your own self-worth without relying on other men to build you up or tear you down, you will remain vulnerable to that. Other people aren't in charge of your self-worth, YOU are.

Not a lot of time has gone by and you have these two guys (who are enemies, no less) trying to vie for your attention. Because you met your ex so young, and are a young mother, you probably haven't had much time to spend on developing your own identity as a woman without these romantic relationships to help "define" who you are. A year is really not a lot of time to heal after going through five years of constant arguing and verbal/emotional abuse. Take some time to be alone and learn to be OK with that. Only after that, you can begin to have a healthy relationship with someone else, and know with clarity what you want.

Your ex was "verbally abusive" and you felt "worthless." And now you are entertaining the idea of working it out with him? He is your children's father, so it is important to see if he can be in their lives in a healthy way, but I would keep that man at arm's length... time will tell if he knows how to and is committed to changing his ways.

You are also setting an example for your daughters. How do you want their future boyfriends to treat them? Do you want them to be able to stand on their own two feet and be confident in themselves, not because some man is the source of their self-worth? Then you need to demonstrate that to them first.

Its great that this new guy is so nice to you, but I'd wonder about that dynamic with your ex and if that isn't why this relationship seems so exciting to both of you (its a way to stick it to your ex), and might even be why your ex is showing renewed interest (that guy isn't going to have my woman or my kids!). Give it space and time. If its meant to be, he'll understand and give you that space and time, and still be there when you are stronger in yourself. Don't get caught up in the emotion of it all. Emotions alone tend not to make good decisions. What is at stake here is your own sense of self and your daughters. Make that your priority. Good luck.

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