I am wrong for him not seeing his children?

Alona - posted on 01/08/2014 ( 10 moms have responded )

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So (sigh) let’s see where do I begin?
I am reaching out for advice for a very sticky situation. I am currently a newly single mom. My fiancé and I recently split up due to miscommunication and other things that I shall explain. You see we have the most 2 beautiful girls ages 2 and 7months and he wants to be able to see them. However I am not comfortable sending my children almost 2 hours away without me. The reason for this is because he is very abusive; mentally, physically, emotionally, and verbally. I have been called out my name so many times, all the bad names you can call a woman I have been called and the reason is various and mostly because of his anger and jealousy issues. I have been punched in the face, strangled while pregnant, thrown drinks at, spit at, accused of “f***ing” other men (which I haven’t), accused of those children not being his (they are or he wouldn’t have agreed to be on the birth certificate). I can’t talk to him he will just spin out of control and call me this that and the other but oh “I need to see my kids” He has recently been dating another girl who is quite young (we are both 26) but he never calls to see how they are doing, hasn’t provided from them financially for almost 2 months (which by the way he barley did) but has the nerve to pay $50 every month to have his phone turned on and pays for him and her to go out to eat, but he wants to see them but hasn’t called or sent anything for them. I pay for all their child care expenses, diapers, wipes, doctors’ visits, and when they cry at night it’s all me, I may get 2-4 hours of sleep a day but yet he wants to see them and I haven’t gotten ANY help. He is currently supposed to be paying child support this month yet I haven’t seen anything or heard from him. I work full time and I come home and work full time with my girls. I don’t go out or hang out it’s my work and girls 24/7. I am no longer allowed at his mother’s house (that’s where he lives…I have my own place) because he says that he will “feel” miserable if I am around”, but I just don’t feel comfortable with sending my girls without me and whoever he may be involved with. They are my life and if something were to happen to them, the only person that I would blame would be me. He has a warrant out for his arrest because of the abuse and my oldest daughter saw him throw me down when I was three months pregnant with my now 7month old. My oldest has even cussed me out because she repeats what he says. I can’t get mad at her; she has no idea what those words mean. So all I can tell her is “those are bad words that daddy says and we can’t use them they hurt people”. He hasn’t seen his children or has bothered to come see them but what gets me is that he just doesn’t even call to ask about them. This whole experience is really overwhelming. He hasn’t sacrificed much of anything so that we could be a family. I take care of our children to the best of my ability with the little resources that I have because of his lack and support. I thank GOD for my parents because without them I wouldn’t know how I would get formula or pay for child care week to week. And the reason for the miscommunication was because I called and was just telling him that I need help for him, I'm drained. And all he could say was “we are no longer together, tell your problems to someone else” but sadly 2 hours before that conversation he told me that he loved me and that I was a great mother to his children. It’s kind of confusing. And so till this day I am nothing more to him as “scum” and a “bitch”

Am I wrong for not sending them up there? I just need to know.

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Brittany - posted on 01/09/2014

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If he keeps pressing the issue file for child support/visitation. If you do not have money for a lawyer there are a lot of good public defenders/ options the state can offer you. At court bring these issues to light and they will arrange supervised visitation and possibly even some parenting classes. You can also get child support withheld from his paychecks. Or if you would rather not get the child support so that you don't have to deal with him seeing your kids, you can just leave the situation alone and stop talking to him. I highly doubt he will make a fight to see your children. The tricky thing with going through the system is that they really want the father to be involved no matter what. So, if he goes in there and says he wants to see the kids they will grant him some sort of visitation time with the child support, unless you have proof of his abusive behavior. I would seek some sort of legal council, until then don't talk to him unless he has child support.

Jennifer - posted on 01/08/2014

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I personally would not send my children to a person like that. Especially since he hasn't given any type of support financially, physically , emotionally . He also is very abusive. If you have any type of proof of the abuse emails, pics or txts keep them safe for court purposes. I think you are dong the right thing. Now if he agrees to meet you fr a visit maybe at a family member that's about as far I would go. Your children are your first priority and obviously not his. If his main focus was the girls he would see them anyway he can , not just his terms. I wish you the best I hope it all works out.

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Alona - posted on 01/11/2014

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But he hasn't been involved, and hasn't called to check on them. But can call and talk to his new girlfriend and spend countless hours on Facebook. Would you think that he is "trying" to be involved? When he is abled bodied, has a job, has a car, but cant even make the effort the be involved? But wants me to send my children (where I sacrifice the things that I need so that they can have) 2hrs away with the diapers, wipes, food, clothes, that I bought but he hasn't done NOTHING so that he could see them? It doesn't make sense

Alona - posted on 01/11/2014

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I understand that both are separate, however he is abusive and I believe that is he wants to see his children that supervised visits needs to be put in place. He has not called since Nov 2013 to talk or even ask about his girls. He has not provided any support since the third week of Nov 2013. I call because I want to know why he hasn't. He is to be paying child support this month but I have not seen anything. He does not want anything to do with me, so does that mean that his children have to go without because of his selfishness? He only wants them to come 2 hrs away without me because he says that he will be miserable if I am there. After all the abuse, no phone call on our daughters birthday, no support (financially, physically, or emotionally) I don't think that it would be ethical to send them without me. He would need to come here to meet them and be supervised.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/10/2014

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@ Brittany: "Or, if you'd rather not deal with support so that you don't have to deal with him seeing the kids..."

This my dear is 100% WRONG.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/10/2014

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That needs to go through the court as well. Visitation and support are separate items, and should be dealt with separately. Regardless of whether or not he pays, the child is his, just as much as yours, and he's got every right to parent and be involved in the child's life, just as much as you do.

Alona - posted on 01/09/2014

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Currently he is to pay Child Support stating this month. I have seen anything so I will give him time to pay something and if nothing come by Feb I will have to do something about it. Visitation is what I need to get help with

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/09/2014

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What are your court orders concerning support/visitation? If you don't have any, get some. Then, if you don't like what's happening, you'll have an avenue to change it.

Alona - posted on 01/09/2014

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@Jennifer: I thank you so much for your response. It has helped me A LOT. I have everything saved for court just in case he decides he wants to seek custody of the girls. Thank you so very much!

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