I banned MIL from baby. Was that a good idea?

Kimberly - posted on 04/27/2017 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I've been in my relationship with my DH for 6 yrs. We had a baby in July 2016. MIL has always been rude to me & we never clicked. I tried to be nice to her & we did things together as a family & MIL/FIL would complain about everything we did, eat, & etc. I won't go anywhere with them again because they make the trip miserable. When I found out I was preg she and her husband told my DH that they were going to stay with us for about 2 months when the baby comes. I was so mad because no one asked them to. I wrote them a nice letter saying why I was more comfortable with them not coming for that long & as a new mom I wanted to do things my way & that is where all the drama started. They accused me of trapping my DH because I was preg & told me in a letter that since they can't come stay with us that they didn't want anything to do with us. I didn't say they couldn't come, I told them I can't have them piled up in my house smoking cigarettes all day but in nice words. Its MY house not his. She even said F my baby. So for months I was mad & didn't want them to be near me. Then I gave birth & I forgave them. So for about 4 months they were seeing the baby about once every 2 weeks & I was trying so hard to not let them get to me until I just had it. She would call my 4 month old a brat because my baby cried when she held her. Then they would tell me what to do & what not to do & I was telling my DH to ask them to stop & he never did. So one day I was on Facebook & MIL/SIL started calling me a fat psycho because I didn't let them see the baby as often as they wanted. That I was hoarding the baby. I was so mad. I just had a baby... & a C-section so I couldn't exercise...Plus I can't stand being around these people. I honestly didn't need anyones help taking care of my baby so I never asked for help. & if I needed help, I would ask my own mom & not MIL who is rude & so negative about everything. I blew up on the post & called my MIL "WHITE TRASH". That is what I think of her & now she knows it. I haven't seen her in 4 months. My baby will not be around someone who disrespects me & calls me names. I want to know did I do the right thing? I feel like I did because I'm tired of people walking on me all the time & this is my baby & my rules. If they can't be nice, then they can't see the baby. My DH wants to be able to see his mom again & bring the baby. They think I did something wrong. I wasn't the one who started calling people names on social media...A 56 yr old woman was. I'm classy when it comes to respecting people. I don't see her in my future nor my baby's future. She is a negative person & talks so bad about everyone & I don't want my baby to think that is OK because its not. Please give me your input. Thanks for Reading about my situation.

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Sarah - posted on 04/29/2017

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Yeah, when I wrote my response I sorta overlooked the white trash comment. Maybe an apology is in order whether or not you want this woman in your child's life. You are an adult, she raised your husband and adults don't call each other names. I am not saying you don't deserve an apology as well, but sometimes being the first to reach out can help right the situation. How sad for both of you that won't won't get to enjoy what a grandma can offer.

Ev - posted on 04/29/2017

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And like I said in my post, you should consider counseling for your marriage. Another point, even though things were done in the heat of the moment you still could have stopped and counted to 10 or something and not posted that comment online for the world to see making you no better than her. I understand the part about the husband should be stepping up for his wife and family but at the same time I can not condone your actions either. It is childish on both parts really. It did not make you the better person in all the circumstances. And the reasons she said she did not want to be part of the baby's life is because of that too. Your child needs all the people that can love her in her life. That includes people you do not like! My grandkids have a step grandmother that I do not care about and makes things all about herself but she is family....I may not care for her but there it is. Another point, leaving because he does not stand up for you--again counseling for your marriage may help here for both of you. And I do agree with Michelle's assessment too. Quit doing everything for your husband and let him do some of it for himself. And as for the baby actually being able to gain a relationship with her father's parents---let him take her for a visit....you do not have to be there!

Michelle - posted on 04/29/2017

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Why have you changed your name?
Anyway, why are you doing everything for your husband? He's a capable adult that can do things for himself. But then I see the problem, Mummy always did everything for him so he can't stand up to her.
You've married a "Mummy's Boy" and now you are having to deal with it.

Ev - posted on 04/28/2017

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I have to agree with the others though I do not agree with your calling your MIL "White Trash" even if it is your feelings about her and maybe the rest of is family. And doing it on social media was not a good idea either. It made you look just as bad as she has been. You and your husband may want to consider counseling for your marriage. From what you have said about his not stepping up for his wife and child, it could ruin your marriage. You need to be on the same page as your husband in order for the marriage to work. You can not do it alone. He also needs to understand that he needs to tell his family how it will be or they can not see the baby unless it is on your terms in a public venue like a restaurant or another place like that. I know that you were angry but instead of placing the "white trash" online in your social media for the entire world to see you could have gone about this in another way. I have at times wanted to say a lot of things to certain people; people who have not been nice to my own two kids. One person in particular because she thought that it did not matter what I thought or said and that she had say in a lot of things but did not. And now this person is suffering a lot of health issues by her own hand for not taking care of things sooner, and I find that it is sad. Even her husband is not well. And their youngest kids are not even preteens as yet.

Sarah - posted on 04/28/2017

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This is such a tough subject. The love of a grandparent is so profound and such a gift to a child. My own mother, gone 5 years now, lavished love upon my kids that they will remember forever. My MIL, while we don't always agree, respects that I am the parent. Here is you issue- you need your spouse to lay it out there to his family. He and you are the parents, you make the choices, together you will parent as you see fit. If they want in, then they comply with your wishes. Otherwise, it is a sad loss for both them and the baby

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Kimberly - posted on 04/28/2017

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He won't talk to his mom & sister. He doesn't know how or what to say to them. I told him he needs to tell them to respect me or don't bother being around. I was raised in a nice family environment with good people, his mom is on the I don't give a f&^( about anything type. They both smoke pot & that's ok but I don't want my kid taking away from me because they are doing it around her. So that annoys me too. But I agree that he needs to say something. Its his choice not to go see his mom. Not mine.

Michelle - posted on 04/28/2017

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I understand why you have done it but what is your husband doing to back you up?
He needs to tell him Mum and sister to back off and accept the choice of wife he has made and respect you.
From what you have written, he doesn't say anything to them. I would say your issue is with your husband and get him to stand up for you.

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