I can do better by myself

[deleted account] ( 19 moms have responded )

I understand what everybody going through. My son father will call him and ask what he want for his birthday, my son told him a bike. His dad say ok, I will buy you a bike. My son ask his dad 5 times for a bike, a year past by, still no bike. My son asked his dad for a bigger TV because my son have a 19inch but my son want a 32 inch for his room. His dad said ok, 6 months later no TV. Dude keep sending my son off, telling him he will come get him but don't show up. Now my son don't care about his dad at all and I don't blame him. My son said he don't want nothing to do with him. If his dad calls, my son refuse to answer the phone. My son said he don't want to talk to him. Make it really bad, his dad work full time have his own apartment and a truck and haven't seen his son in 2 years and he live 30 minutes away from me. The only thing I get from his dad is child support and lucky I received that because alot of women don't. His dad will call and disrespect me and pretend it's all about our son, lies. Lies and more lies because if dude care he would come see his son and buy those items for our son but he didn't do it. Now my son and I just moved on because actions speak louder than words. I will never keep my son from his father, however I refuse to be disrespect and have his dad continue to tell my son he will do something and never do it. Also he keeping himself from my son and my 5year old son know his dad full of crap. Therefore we don't need his father at all.

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Jodi - posted on 09/09/2015

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Honey, you posted in a public forum. We aren't "messaging" you. We are responding to a post that is public. And maybe if you posted in correct English, your posts would be a little easier to understand, but anyhow......

MY point is that IF you are insisting his father behave in a certain way before he can see his son, then yes, he may be staying away.

You said "I tried to talk to his dad but he always disrespect me to the point my son said no more. I don't like the way my dad treat mommy."
This tells me that his father is trying to contact his son through you but somehow your son is being caught in the middle of this conversation. Why are you allowing this? If he is getting caught in the middle, of course he is upset by it. For him to be caught in the middle, this tells me his father IS actually trying to get in contact with him.

Go back and read over your posts.

Post #1 -
My son's dad doesn't buy the things my son wants for his birthday (some is stuff he really doesn't need for a 5 year old), so my son gets upset. My son's dad is a bit unreliable. So my son is upset and I agree with him and choose not to support my son in his relationship with his dad any more. So because I don't support the relationship, my son knows this and chooses not to accept his dads phone calls any more (because at 5 years old, this is a choice he made without my help and I choose not to try to encourage him to accept the calls).
His dad works hard to pay child support and probably struggles with time because he is trying to pay off his apartment and support his child (do you work a job too?). It sucks dad doesn't come and see his child, but if you are hassling him to the point where he feels inadequate, maybe it is a form of avoidance.
Your 5 year old son knows his dad is full of crap because you continue to encourage that belief.

Post #2
His dad needs me to see his child - in other words, if I am not happy with his dad, then he can go take a flying leap he will never get to see his child, because I control that part of his life.
All kids want "stuff". Just because they want it doesn't mean they get it. Just because dad doesn't buy it, doesn't make dad the bad guy. There are plenty of things kids ask for that they don't get.
Missing the big picture? Honey, my ex is a total dick. I'm not missing any big picture. My kid still loves his dad, even though his father is a disrespectful asshole to me. The difference between you and me? My kid doesn't see that shit and I don't involve him in it. BTW, my kid is now nearly 18, and I have been dealing with this crap for 16 years, including several court cases. So I am not coming at you from a perspective of no clue.

Post #3
I totally read your posts. You need to get over yourself, look beyond your own feelings and focus on the fact that your child deserves two parents in his life without feeling guilty or upset over the actions of one or the other. Instead of supporting your 5 year old when he doesn't get that 32 inch TV for his room from his dad that he asked for (because the 19 inch just isn't enough), you say to him "well, sweetheart, obviously daddy agrees that at your age, you don't need such a big tv in your room" (because a 5 year old doesn't.....). Taking the high road in the coparenting relationship will always be the better option. Let me assure you, it's a LONG 13 years you have ahead of you if you take the road you are currently taking. How do I know? Because I've travelled that road. You don't HAVE to like what I have to say, I really don't care. But I would advise you to consider it.

Jodi - posted on 09/08/2015

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I didn't say your child was a brat, I said careful you aren't raising one. If he asked YOU for a bigger TV would you get him one? I'm sorry, but your child shouldn't be asking for material things from his dad.

I realise it is about more than the tv and the bike. But does your child?

What YOU need to do here is have a discussion with his dad and ask what kind of relationship he wants with his child and then help make that happen. You mention that his dad disrespects YOU, but this is nothing to do with his relationship with you. If he is avoiding his child so he doesn't have to have anything to do with you, then you need to help fix this. You need to stay out of the picture. So what if he disrespects you on the phone or when you talk to him? That doesn't mean he can't see your child. But your child is not entitled to those material things his dad said he'd buy, and your son needs to realise this.

You can't just decide to "move on".

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[deleted account]

I do not bad mouth his dad around my son, his dad talk bad about me around my son and talk bad about me to other people. That is why my son do not like him. I disagree with your comment. I have no issue with his father at all, his dad just an angry controlling jerk. I do not know where you came up with this conclusion and when someone disrespect me and mistreat my child because they do not like me we do not need them. I can tell you all have shit else to do with your life but criticize others and put words in my mouth,

Sarah - posted on 09/09/2015

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You won't "make your son take the responsibility of an adult" but you are allowing him to make adult decisions by letting him refuse to see or speak to dad. I agree this is not about the bike or the TV (which no 5 year old need a tv in his room!) . This is more about you are so angry at your ex, and your son's knows how you feel. He may desire to see dad very much but out of fear of upsetting you, he declines to speak or see him. Should dad step up at make an effort to be consistent? Absolutely! At the same time, you need to support their relationship by not badmouthing dad in front of your son. If you don't have a set visitation or shared custody arrangement in place, it is time to get one and let dad step up and parent.
Ultimately the one paying the price here is your child.

[deleted account]

I don't have to be bother with his dad at all. So I don't have a long 13 years his dad have a long 13 years of paying me child support. So regardless what you say its not helping my situation at all.

[deleted account]

Whenever you accuse one parent of something and not the other, you are personally attacking them. Once again, as a parent it took two to make a child, it should take two to raise the child, but if one does not participate there is nothing to be done. You can make a grown person do nothing and you cannot make a child love there parent if the parent isn't showing the child love.

[deleted account]

My son is doing very well. Like I said before, the dad have to step up and see his son. I will not make my son take the responsibility of an adult.

Lilly - posted on 09/09/2015

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Ok im just reading the comments below and whoever buys him what or doesn't buy him this and that is beyond the point. Your son father has responsibilities as a father to see his son be there for him spend time with him just be a dad and the fact that he is not doing that is not cool its been 2 years since he seen his son. My son father and his ex (daughters mother) HATED each other they did not get along at all they would just communicate through email and now communicate through a 3rd party, but he made it work to see her. Nothing should stand between a child and a parent. the fact he being disrespectful to you is not cool. I suggest for the sake of your child it is important he has a relationship with him as this does affect him and will affect him the older he gets, the fact that his father not around. phone and text isn't always the best way to communicate I say you two to sit down and just talk have a civil conversation on how to co parent your son, and just talk about how to make things work and be able to co parent if starts being rude just tell him to stop you are just trying to work things out and be civil enough with the games. Im sure the last thing he wants is for his son to resent him when he older for not being there and be hurt. If you too have a good relationship and co parent it may be easier for him to come around but the thing is that its on his part as well, and if he can man up and actually be there for his son cause 2 years is a damn long time to not see your son. My nephew is going through the same thing with his father my nephew Is now 10 yrs old from the time my nephew was born he was always a part time father only came around when it was convenient, this affect kids, it affects him a lot and I see that. How is a child supposed to feel when their own father says im going to see you and doesn't show up and they aren’t there for them period, it was hurting him so much it got to the point that my nephew to told him he didn't want to see him sent him this txt to not call him or anything. He then of course called him and was texting and sayin no no ill come see you did he come see him after ? nope of course not he recently found my nephew on face book and started messaging him telling him he wants to see him and trying to basically buy him back, what do you want ill buy u this an that and convinced my nephew that he would like to see him, so my nephew told him ok ill see you (that was the last conversation). I told my nephew to not accept anything from him, I told my nephew if you want to see him it because you want to see him and not cause he will buy you stuff and he told me "I know that why I haven't messaged him back to see when he will see me, im still waiting" that was about 2 months ago and he hasn't reached out to him to go pick him up or anything after my nephew agreed to see him. sometimes the best thing for a child is to not go through the emotional wreck and just leave them. my nephew was crying when he told me, I can see how broken he is he just wants his father in his life but hes not there. if your child's father is not consistent and just playing games and you see its hurting your son your child has every right to not want to see them, they come to that age when they can make that decision, I mean 5 is still kind of young but if its been 2 years since he has seen him im not surprised your son doesn’t care to see him. I say try to make it work with his father be civil and be able to communicate and hopefully things get easier from there good luck!

Jodi - posted on 09/09/2015

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Good for you. That's your right as a parent (and let's face it, your responsibility for some of it, especially if we are bringing clothes into it now). Now do what you accused others of not doing and read the other posts. And then perhaps watch the personal attacks.

Jodi - posted on 09/09/2015

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"His dad suppose to buy his son stuff, I buy him stuff. "

His father pays you child support - that's what child support is for. If your 5 year old wants a fucking 32 inch TV and is shitty because he doesn't have one, you buy it for him.

[deleted account]

I bought my son bike also. And once again I disagree with you. Keep sending me messages and I will just ignore you because you obviously didn't read my comment well. His dad suppose to buy his son stuff, I buy him stuff. You sound bored and judgmental. I'll just ignore you

[deleted account]

I will not encourage my son to have a relationship with a man who is not trying to have a relationship with him. His dad is a grown man who should be responsible and take care of his child. I can careless how he feel about me. That's no excuse because he slept with me and he new the outcome so he should be there. Do not send me messages like I am keeping him away from his dad. Obviously you didn't read what I said.

[deleted account]

If his dad want to see him, his dad should come get him. His dad wasn't acting this way when we had sex and made him, so he should be a man and take care of his child. I don't appreciate you messaging me like I am at fault. Obviously, you didn't read my post at all. I never said I was keeping my child away from his dad. His dad is the one who doesn't do anything for him. Are you all slow?

Michelle - posted on 09/09/2015

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I agree with Jodi. There are ways for your child and his Father to have a relationship without you and your ex having to see or talk to each other. No child should see their parents fighting or be stuck in the middle. He's 5, he shouldn't even have to think about not talking to his Dad because of the way he treats you.
You can get someone else to take your son to meet up with his Father and you have all correspondence between the 2 of you in emails or text messages. You should encourage your son to have a relationship with his Father without the influence of the 2 of you not getting along.
You have had a child with this man so you are tied together forever. It's best you figure out something to make it work now before you have a troublesome teen on your hands.

Jodi - posted on 09/09/2015

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Actually, his disrespect of you should have no bearing on whether or not he has a relationship with his child. You don't have a right to just stop him seeing his child because YOU don't like the way he treats YOU.

And actually, my kids have a bike because I bought it for them, and no, I never allowed TVs in their rooms, so they don't have one. They sure as heck don't get these things outside their birthdays or Christmas just because they ask for them.

Stop putting your son in a situation where he sees this crap happening between you and his father. If you are going to have that conversation with his father, organise a mediation or something, but don't do it with the kid around.

The bottom line is this - you don't have the right to tell his father he can't have a relationship with his child just because you feel disrespected. Period. I never said I approve of his father's treatment of you. But I also don't agree that how his father feels about you and treats you gives you any right to prevent a relationship between them.

You can reject my comment all you like - but the law says otherwise.

[deleted account]

It does matter if his dad disrespect me. His dad need me to see his child. If his dad disrespect me and don't have to deal with it. The stuff my son ask for all kids want and I am sure your kids have a bike and TV. I tried to talk to his dad but he always disrespect me to the point my son said no more. I don't like the way my dad treat mommy. I disagree with everything you said because you have to think about the child it shouldn't be how his dad feel about me. It seems like you attacking me and missing the big picture that his father does not see his child or does nothing for him. You approving his dad actions, so therefore stop sending me messages because you aren't helping. I find this conversation strange. So I reject your comment. Thanks but no thanks.

[deleted account]

Hold up. I didn't say my son pissed off because his dad didn't buy him a TV. My son is not a brat. Next time read carefully before assuming something. He is just a child and I can buy him a bigger TV myself but he asked his dad. His dad keep telling him he will do something and don't do shit for him. So brat, I think not. Pissed off no. Disappointed yes. Read carefully it's more to it besides a TV. Thanks but no thanks.

Jodi - posted on 09/08/2015

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Ok, it's not fair that his dad doesn't see him....but your 5 year old son is pissed off because his dad didn't buy him a 32 inch tv for his room? In fact, he outright asked his dad for one? Be careful you aren't also raising an entitled brat.

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