I can't deal with my grown son and youngest separated from me!!

Licia - posted on 04/12/2017 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I've been single for over ten years after a horrible abusive relationship, that he still denies til this day...but secure with my so called alcoholism to justify his insanity.... I had to get out. My youngest was 3 at the time and it broke my heart and my oldest at the time was 18. " We" decided that it would be better if they stayed in Va bc of opportunities and to be honest I just wanted to stop going in violent circles and carve out a place of my own. Years and seasons passed and in that space I was seeing my boys less and the hostility remained which is still deliberate today 15yrs later. Now my grown son won't pick his ass up and tow the line and get out on his own, since making bad mistakes trying to party it up with his college drop out friends(roommates) in Va and got evicted. He has been living w me since, for over a year, just got laid off from job I found for him, smokes weed all day and night and thinks he's gonna be fit to stand another interview and drug test. My other son who lives with his father and his new family insists he's too busy to see his Mother. This cycle of hell has been going on far too long and I need a break or I'm gonna break. I have lost all desire for relationships... all I do is work and come home, cook watch tv and pray for my breakthrough.

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Michelle - posted on 04/13/2017

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The excuse of: "He won't get out".
Like I said, if his name isn't on anything then you can get him evicted. Why should you have to move? He's the one that moved in with you so he can move out.
You give him a set date to leave, let him know that if he isn't gone by then you will have him formally evicted. That's when you go to the courts and get an eviction notice.
Your excuses have been that you don't have the heart to kick him out and change the locks.
You are wanting him out, we are giving you advice and you are making excuses as to why our advice won't work.
If you truly want him out, you will find a way.

Michelle - posted on 04/13/2017

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We've told you what you need to do but you just keep coming up with excuses.
YOU need to be tough and it sounds like you can't be. Unless you put your foot down and follow through with your threats (Moving house and you didn't) then he will continue.
Just like having a toddler, you give them a chance, let them know what the consequence will be then follow through.
He is taking advantage of you and he needs to get out on his own. YOU keep letting him sponge off you.

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Michelle - posted on 04/14/2017

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You don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone, let alone your own son.
If he gets violent again you need to take out a VRO (Or whatever it is where you are) and that may wake him up.

Licia - posted on 04/14/2017

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Thanks Michele. Appreciate your support. I will look into how you go about formal eviction. Sorry it has come to this but he's not gonna learn any other way, I've given him enough rope. He doesn't get it because he's only thinking of himself but not enough to be on his own. I couldn't wait to get my own place. These grown adult kids are insane! Especially mine!! Crazy like a fox!! I've told him plenty of times if he doesn't get out lI'll have police throw you out! He got violent and belligerent! And gave me more money for rent, that I tell him to use for his own place n I'm sure he spent on weed!! This cycle has been going on for a year!

Licia - posted on 04/13/2017

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What excuse?? He's a bull n violent. You have no idea. No he's not on anything!!! I'll move!! But I really love my place. The issue is that he was looking at places and the same day he got laid off.?

Michelle - posted on 04/13/2017

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Then you pack up his things and change the locks when he is out, like Ev said.
You just keep coming up with excuses. You don't just ask him to leave.
Is his name on the house (Title or lease)? If not then get him evicted. There are ways to get him out if you really want to.

Licia - posted on 04/13/2017

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I wish I had the heart ❤️!! I just don't know what to do!! I'm damn near frightened!! Tip toeing around my own house n tired of decades of violence!!

Ev - posted on 04/13/2017

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If you can not deal with his business then when he is out one day, pack all his stuff and set it on the porch and change all the locks on the doors.

Licia - posted on 04/13/2017

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Thanks Michelle. I do have a toddler and have told him to get out countless times. Set dates for him to be out and told him I'm moving out! Nothing works! He's an over grown baby really big man and has gotten violent, slammed door so hard broke fixtures off frame! And refused to fix! Thinks he can smoke weed while I'm at work with his pothead work bud and when I'm home smokes in my parking lot in his car with him... this week woke up at 2am and met friend n smoked for hour and a half in his car!! Wants some sort of sympathy Bc he got laid off but did nothing to supplement this job to meet his needs so he can get out but talked a good talk about getting another job! It's just exhaustingly horrible! He feels Bc he does pay rent he has some grounding to just lounge eat everything in my house and not wash a dish!! And my other child is too busy to FaceTime!! I haven't seen since Thanksgiving went to Disney Land for Christmas haven't seen one picture and for third year missed sharing Easter and Mother's Day! I'm at my wits end and completely done!!

Michelle - posted on 04/13/2017

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So is your oldest son now 28?
If so then you kick him out. He needs to learn responsibility for his actions and all you are doing is enabling him. I understand that you have had a strained relationship with him but you also need to teach him that he needs to act like an adult and not a spoiled brat!
You also need to make some rules and stick to them, like not smoking weed in your house and paying rent every week on time!!! YOU need to be tough or you will have an overgrown toddler on your hands for years to come.

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