I can't get my 18 year old daughter to lose weight & take care of herself.

Helen - posted on 12/06/2013 ( 23 moms have responded )

6

0

0

I don't know....maybe the 80's were of a different generation with girls in their teens. I always took care of myself. But, here is my problem with my daughter:

My daughter was born so pretty and I always washed her hair, got her the cutest dresses and more when she was little. She even ate the healthiest foods.

Today, at 18, her hair is always with flakes of dandruff, yellow parts on her teeth, she is gaining weight and more. I have talked to her so much about how a young woman takes care of her appearance.

The other day I'm with her our car, I'm looking at her face and she has black zit heads, hair growing on her upper lip, etc. If I was a guy, I just wouldn't even want to kiss her.

All this just breaks my heart! She is so beautiful! But in gaining this fat, and letting herself look disgusting...it literally breaks my heart.

I have tried talking sensitively about it. NO GOOD.
I have tired arguing with her. NO GOOD.
I have then did the bad and compared her to others. NO GOOD.
I have stopped shopping for food and left things bare. NO GOOD - she finds food with friends.
I have tried to exercise with her. NO GOOD.
I have taken her shopping & bought things to get her maybe to feel better - if that was an issue. NO GOOD.
I have grounded her. NO GOOD.

I am exhausted at what more I can do. Just getting her to brush her teeth is a pain! And, she is 18!

Let me give you an idea: One day I hid HoHo's for my son (he has the right to have some), but she found it. I found 3 wrappers in 1 hour (1 in her room, 2 in the bathroom trash). Then she came down and wanted to eat 4 small cheese pies I made.

I tried to talk to her and took 3 away. SHE STARTED TO CRY!

I'm wondering if food is something psychological and I need help from another direction.

I am thinking her weight gain is what is leaving her to let herself dirty.

Please help me. I am at a huge loss. And if you don't think I have approached her on ALL LEVELS...I have.

It is ruining the rest of my family's life her problem. For instance, tonight I'm not home. My husband is not home. Being a Friday, I would like to surprise the kids for a pizza delivery - WHICH we never get one; but, I KNOW she will probably eat the whole freakin pie! It is not normal.

Thank you.

P.S. I forgot....I have TRIED to take her for jobs, and she gets rejected all the time at the interview process. I help her so much, but then I believe that when they see her dirty appearance she is not hired. My husband is always on me about her getting a job, and I have literally tried. I even paid for lifesaving classes for her to be a lifeguard. This is just too much, and I really don't know what to do. Something has to be done. And, I don't know if all this is psychological. Like I said before, if I pull food away from her, she begins to cry and just runs up to her room and locks herself in. I need help on this.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 12/09/2013

3,562

36

3907

If doctors are telling you her weight is normal, then this is YOUR problem NOT your child's. How DARE you impose your expectations on her when she isn't even considered overweight? You don't think that your humiliation of your child won't make things worse??? Sorry, but your attitude toward a child who is within NORMAL weight range just makes me angry and upset. And this is coming from someone who has been smaller than average (weight-wise) all her life. Do you have any idea that you are potentially setting your daughter up for a lifetime of issues? You don't have that right!!!

Pradnya - posted on 12/12/2013

64

0

10

Hi Helen ....I don't really know u so wont judge u . But from what u mentioned in Ur posts i can see that u seem to have exhausted all means and are at end of Ur wits. Well i do agree with some of the moms here ....u must try n take her for counselling. If possible do a few sessions with so that u all are on the same page. sometimes children are more receptive to advice of others than their parents.I would say try a different approach. A few suggestions
Avoid getting angry with her(i know its easier said than done but no harm in trying ...right )in the heat of the moment ...u might say or do things that u will regret later and end up doing more harm than good .Remind Ur self ...getting angry with her wont fix anything.
Don't criticize her .....criticizing or placing blame only increases tension....eg if u see that her hair is messy .....just mention casually if she still doesn't wash .....then tell her ...today i have time how about mommy gives u nice hair bath....???? I think this is a better option than washing it in sink .....Take her to salons with u and get clean ups done . I agree that her behavior is not normal but if she is depressed bout something she will really need support . If u feel something is wrong with her health ...pl find a good Dr and get all tests done ....U will feel much better once u rule out that doubt or any underlying medical condition . About food ....if possible try and have low calorie food available at home. for all u know she might be really hungry .she is an adult now so pl be respectful towards her needs .
And if despite of all ur efforts she is not listening or if u have tried it all.........let go .......just let go .... at least for some time ,let her have things her way...... It is unrealistic to expect children to behave exactly as u want ...at all times . U also Take a break ....sometimes it is all about staying sane.
Talk to ur close ones ...may be they can throw some light on some point that u r missing ....or something that u can do differently . I really hope and pray that u n her get all the help that u need and may things work out soon for ur daughter . Take care

Rachel - posted on 12/09/2013

30

0

7

YOU sound like the problem...you grounded her, and compared her to others? no wonder why, your stepping on her self worth and confidence! Stop worrying so much about what she looks like and what you would do to her if you were a guy, and pay more attention to how she feels. She probably wants to get as far away ffrom u as possible and spite you! I know I would!

Ella Wilson - posted on 07/25/2015

1

0

0

Helen, this post was made so long ago and I don't n't know if you even read the comments ny more. I just wanted to say how dare those people judge and criticise you when you came here for help. How hypocritical. I have been there too with my own daughter who is in her early 20s, except my daughter is truly overweight to.the point of being obese. She was once slim and fit. She is still beautiful but a beautiful face doesn't get far without a healthy body. My main concern is with her health because I know she is putting herself in danger of all sorts of health problems in the future, some of which she has already had. My heart is completely breaking over this because, like you, I have tried to reach her on many different levels and I do itpurely out of love for my beautiful daughter. She hates being fat and she feels her life is on hold until she has lost the fat. . I am at a loss as to what to do and have come to the sad conclusion that I can do nothing, it's her life. But I can't get rid of the feeling that I have carried her, given birth to her, nurtured her and given her all the love and protection I can whilst allowing her to spread her wings, for it to end up like this. If I bring the subject up and tell her it makes me sad to see her like this all I get is 'why does it have to be about you?'. I just have to accept that her weight is a no-go area and live with the heartache. . My heart goes out to you.

Jessica - posted on 12/12/2013

43

0

18

The part I find most disturbing is when you said, "If I was a guy, I wouldn't even want to kiss her". Is that what being a female is all about? Making out with guys? Is that 'success'?
The second most disturbing is when you said your husband is on at YOU to get HER a job. Really? What? When?
I have an inkling that perhaps your daughter has not found herself yet. It sounds very much like she is struggling between what YOU believe to be appropriate behaviour for a female (which, I'm sorry to say, she does not agree with you on) and what the rest of the world believes is appropriate. She doesn't know herself well enough to buck the trend in a way that suits her personality. The only way ATTEMPT to do so is to go the complete opposite of what you and others want. The more you preach...the more she will try to do the opposite. She needs some time. She needs some space. She needs to be allowed to be herself.
The whole job thing freaks me out, because it seems you put a lot of that on yourself. That means you are not giving her any space and making decisions for her. Not okay with teens.
She needs an experience away from home. Might I suggest something like Outward Bound? I'm not sure how you would suggest it to her...maybe phrase it in terms of, "You seem like you are ready to do something challenging and fun and get out of the house for awhile" - make it sound like a LIBERATING thing rather than a "I think this would be good for you" thing. She needs to find the woman inside herself in order to be whole...you cannot do that for her unfortunately even though you would love to. Outward Bound is one way to perhaps give her the opportunity to do that herself.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

23 Comments

View replies by

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/26/2015

21,273

9

3058

*OLD THREAD-LOCKING*

Feel free to start a new thread on this topic

~WtCoM MoD LiTtLe MiSs~

A Concerned 18 Year - posted on 06/10/2014

1

0

0

Okay circle of moms. I am an 18 year old girl and just so happened to stumble across this post. This is beyond extremely disturbing. First of all, Helen? YOU are the one that needs to seek professional help. How dare you impose some sort of perfect mold of a daughter that you expect yours to fit into? Contrary to what you believe, not everyone thinks the same way you do. Just because you believe your daughter should look skinny, clean, and beautiful enough to find boys is just disgusting. Do you know what all of this does to someone's self confidence? You are more likely than not a reason for her over eating and weight gain. You're stressing her out because you are being just plain cruel. Weight has nothing to do with self worth and its obvious that this is hard for you to understand. You should be teaching your daughter about positive body image and self confidence, not shaming her because she doesnt look the way you want her to. NO woman should ever change just to get a man or to impress others. But hey? How do you even know she likes men? You dont. You clearly are lacking knowledge about the working mind of a teenage girl. They are sensitive enough as it is and you are just making it worse. Grow up and care for your daughter like an adult.

Jodi - posted on 12/12/2013

3,562

36

3907

Um, I'm not necessarily okay with obesity, but you said the doctors have said she is not overweight, so there is no obesity problem here.......The doctors wouldn't tell you her weight was just fine if it wasn't.

The difference between you and I, however, is that I have taught my children to be accepting of EVERYONE without criticism for their differences. Instead, we should be sympathetic and kind. I would also never talk about my child the way you are talking about yours.

Shaming your child into changing is not going to work. As I said, you don't have the right to humiliate her, as you appear to be doing (and yes, I've read every post in this conversation). If you are that concerned, have her talk to a therapist.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/12/2013

13,264

21

2015

Helen are you actually trying to shame all of us responding here? Mature of you.

Perhaps, if you'd posted a little more detail about what the doctors have checked, we'd have had different suggestions for you.

As it stands, I think I'll bow out, with a final comment: If you are dissatisfied with what the physicians are telling you, think they aren't "listening" to you, whatever...Take her into different physicians until you find one that will agree with your assessments.

If you've had bloodwork and labs run, and the physicians are still telling you that she's in a "normal" range, then I hate to say it, but you may be imposing your own self image problems on her.

You state history of obesity. I am not judging, just responding to your posts. You say it's "ruining" your family. That she's unattractive, that you see why boys aren't attracted to her. You say she's fat, has fat hanging. And yet you say you aren't negative to her? I doubt it, but you probably don't even realize you're doing it.

I repeat, if labs have been run, and come back with no indications of diabetes or thyroid conditions, then there aren't any such conditions existing at this point in time. I'm thinking, rather than run around until you find a doctor that will agree with your layman's diagnosis, perhaps counseling is in order for not only your daughter (who can blame her for having poor self esteem issues, with some of the things you've posted about her), but also for yourself. There seem to be some underlying issues here.

Like I said before, I come from a family with severe obesity issues. I, myself, am slender, and have worked very hard to stay slender. I find it difficult to NOT press my ideas of body image onto my teens. My kids (both my 16 yo and 19 yo) are large bodied. Not overweight, both are 6'4" or taller, and both are well within the "norm" for their height/age. I see them as being large, but they're not.

And just because we agree with the physicians about the "norm" for age/height/weight doesn't mean that we are "PARENTS ... - WHO ACCEPT OBESITY! GREAT KIDS, BUT UNHEALTHY, NON-CARING PARENTS!

It means that we've done some research, some background work, and we know what's healthy for our kids or not.

Your methods of shaming your daughter are not healthy, but no one is calling you an unhealthy non caring parent...we're trying to help you help her.

[deleted account]

I agree with Rachel. It looks like she is depressed. I am sure you mean well and you want the best for your daughter. Unfortunately, unless it is coming from her nothing is going to change. If everything you tried failed and she is not trying maybe get help yourself on what you are doing wrong.

Rachel - posted on 12/11/2013

30

0

7

lol...and you feel like people like me activated it? lol you sound like a fool. THAT makes sense.

Rachel - posted on 12/11/2013

30

0

7

all of your comments here truly make me sick...you can say anything u want, but ihave a loyalty to my child and I would NEVER talk about him the way u are of your daughter. Even if he was obese, or had acne or was lean with no muscles, I would NEVER talk about him like this, or compare to me and what I think he should like. I would try my best to get to the bottom of it, without criticizing, comparing or pushing my expectations on him when hes down! I could go on and on, but YOU my dear seem to be oldschool and stuck in your own mind, not worth it!

Rachel - posted on 12/11/2013

30

0

7

Look at some of your comments!
"im wondering if food is something psychological"
"its ruining the rest of my familys life"
"she has black zit heads, hair on her upper lip etc, if I was a guy I just wouldn't want to kiss her"

Yea im sure u didn't show your daughter what YOU wrote...and it doesn't seem in this post you are one ounce worried that she has an over active thyroid or diabetes! However, it does sound like your daughter is depressed. Not taking care of yourself and eating a lot are often signs of depression and or stress. I still am sticking to my thought on this post and that is, FIND OUT YOUR DAUGHTERS FEELINGS and WHY shes eating more and WHY she not keeping up her hygiene instead of picking at her.

Helen - posted on 12/11/2013

6

0

0

After reading all the posts here...I feel sorry that YOU don't meet my expectations as 'Moms.'

Apparently, you want to 'ASSUME' that I am a bad mom. I really don't care.

I believe staunchly, that for a MOM to come here, then she has exhausted all she can do, and is looking for ideas. And, I have taken ideas from other moms.

We have a saying.....Ya I be shoom....which means, how low can you go, shame on yourself.

Helen - posted on 12/11/2013

6

0

0

Rachel Lyn:

I came to this forum to STOP my daughter from gaining weight. I'm a concerned mom. Perhaps there is a Mom like me, who is going through the same thing. You read my posts (probably only 1), and then 'judged me.'

But, I don't care. My daughter's welfare is place way above your frivolous post.

*This tells me how much you listen to your own kids, by the way. They could make 10 posts, and you read only 1.

So, in thinking you have a brain.......

What if she had a 'thyroid' problem or something? Why are the doctors NOT taking my words (because I raised her) seriously on the "fast" weight gain? A friend of MINE had a 'thyroid problem.'

I feel that she has gained weight too fast, and has grown big. On top of it, SHE HAS stopped taking care of herself. THIS IS A PROBLEM!

Just today, I'm working and call her 5 times at 4:30pm to check on her. She didn't answer my calls because she was 'sleeping.' She has started to do this. THIS IS NOT NORMAL at age 18, when she should be out at sports or with friends right after school! She dropped diving, and other sports! It is NOT my CHOICE!

You are obviously "oblivious" to the notion that OBESITY relates to DIABETES & OTHER PROBLEMS, not forgetting to mention social anxieties.

When this first started to occur, I did not target her meanly. And, I have tried to talk to her. This has been going on for over 2 years now. Parent's become exhausted. Again, this is why I came here!

I'm going to try to counseling, and then go back to the doctors. I live in a state where I feel doctors DO NOT LISTEN! I use to live in Ohio - and Cleveland Clinic was awesome. Here, in Florida....I have the toughest time. (It took me 4 1/2 weeks to get my mammogram results).

But, and I will be BRUT HONEST! SHE IS HANGING OUT WITH KIDS, WHO HAVE PARENTS ARE LIKE YOU - WHO ACCEPT OBESITY! GREAT KIDS, BUT UNHEALTHY, NON-CARING PARENTS! Her friends are also 'chunky' and 'unhealthy' for their age.

I feel that she is being mentally driven by the type of kids YOU raise. I believe that the 1 good woman in my family was also affected by food. AND, I feel that she finds food a comfort. I feel that people like you activated it.

Yes, I will try counseling and we have spoke of it already. She also wants to try it. We talked about it before your lousy post.

AND, I showed her your post.

She thinks, you are - and from a teen - a real piece of &*(^^&&^&%&.

And then she left, to go to a supermarket run, with her friend - which I'd rather her accept the counseling in January, and let her go. NOW YOU TELL ME! AM I A BAD MOM?

Rachel - posted on 12/09/2013

30

0

7

you should be ashamed of yourself as a MOTHER. Your her MOTHER not her associate!

Yajaira Jacqueline Aleman - posted on 12/09/2013

4

0

0

I feel bad for your daughter she doesn't need to fit your expectations if she feels ok with. Herself and doctors say shes fine then what's to worry all you are doing is pushing her away instead of accepting her and don't start with the whole men thing ive seen obese women married. If she can't get a job because of her appearance its because of society. Today. Just let her be shes an adult

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/06/2013

13,264

21

2015

Now theres more backstory. You relocated away from your home country? How long ago? Mustn't be long if you're contemplating sending her back for a year. Sounds like the transition has been traumatic. So you will make the experience all the more traumatic for her by treating her like a baby and forcing her to wash her head?

Make an appointment with a counselor. She needs more help than you can give her at home, and better methods than forced washing, which will not only humiliate her (possibly causing worse problems), but show her that you would rather treat her like a baby than get her in with a professional who can help.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that its a problem. But, I've also handled the same thing in my home, and the solution was not forced baths, forced head washing, and humiliation of the kid in the process.

I reiterate: She needs to see a counselor. You don't need a physician's referral for a counselor.

Helen - posted on 12/06/2013

6

0

0

I appreciate your comment Shawnn...but I have tried that. Believe me, I'm a very caring mom, and don't even permit the boys in my family make fat jokes.

I'm believing I need to try psychological physicians, or find a means, or to send her overseas back home and take her for a year out of the States.

I'm believing that food is a 'comfort' thing for her, and this addiction is hurting her. In the future, her heart will enlarge, or she could get diabetes. I am trying to prevent that as a mom.

I must do something effective this week - or start at least right after the New Years.

I'm also stuck in a high population of a certain ethnic group, and they eat lots of junk & pork products. Their kids are over weight as well whom she hangs with.

While I know the parents socially, I can't go up to them and say...."Have you ever thought about changing your kids' diet?" They are good kids, and I just can't do that. Thank God my problem is not drugs or worse! Also, it is NOT by business to do so.

But, this is going to affect her tremendously in life. A clean, healthy appearance is important. It will affect her on a job, any interview, sales, her sex life, her health, her socially, the man she marries, how she raises her kids healthy, etc.

I don't want her STICK skinny, but just normal, clean & healthy. And I see trouble the more she grows. I just can't even look at her hair anymore. She is going to hate me, but this Sunday - if it is not washed well, I will wash it & start doing so at the kitchen sink. I just can't take it any more.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/06/2013

13,264

21

2015

You don't need a physician's referral to see a counselor.

You're 5'8", 130. That is, according to my physician actually a little underweight for your height. How tall is she?

I'm 5'7", and well underweight for my height. Its easy to look at others (even our children) and see them as "overweight", when perhaps they're within a normal weight range, but because we're more slender, we think that they should be as well. After all, they're our kids, so they should look like us...except that's not how it works.

You said that there's a family history of weight problems, which is probably making you hyper alert to that (I know that I am, because of genetic obesity issues in my family). I've learned that, rather than punishing, you help.

Your first step with her needs to be a counselor. But, before you do that, do a check on her height/weight ratio. She may not be as overweight as you think she is. Some people are compact, some are not. It may be that the "flab" you see isn't extra weight at all, but how her body is built. BUT, the crying about food indicates that she needs a counselor.

Helen - posted on 12/06/2013

6

0

0

I have tried to talk to her physician, and went to 2 of them. They tell me, according to the scales and today's weight - that she is fine. But, she is not. I see fat just hanging/bulging out over her pants. We go and buy a larger size. Then she eats more, and we go and get another.

I go back to doctor. They say she is a 'healthy' girl. AND BOTH THE DOCTORS are FAT!

I am average: 5'8" 130lbs. I wear size 9 in pants. She is going up to size 14. But the difference is, that I take care of myself. I go running, I shower every day, I curl my hair, keep things clean, and watch what I eat.

Her doctors refuse to give me a 'referral.'

I will tell you why I'm very concerned as well. My grandmother ended up being over 300 lbs. I have thought this is genetic.

When I use to go and visit her, if I didn't eat another huge piece of cake or something, SHE WOULD CRY.

There is something about the 'attachment' of food. I have tried to discuss this with the doctors.

As for her hair on upper lip, we buy the stuff to remove it. I have tried to get her to do so - she refuses me to do it for her. I just don't know HOW to GET her TO WANT to take care of herself.

She can't even get a job at 18 from her appearance.

Gena - posted on 12/06/2013

303

1

655

I would only like to comment on the food/weight.. The more food you take away from her the more she will want to eat-the more weight she will put on...and the more she will give up on her body.Please dont take food away from her, thats something that hurts psychologicly because you are showing her that you dont accept her weight and that can hurt alot,maybe she thinks that if my mom doesnt even accept me then who will.Maybe some other moms have more advice, i just wrote my personal oppinion on the food situation.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/06/2013

13,264

21

2015

Have you asked her physician? Sounds like she needs a full work up at the doc, possibly followed by a counseling appointment.

However, I do need to point out that things like hair growing on her upper lip is genetic, not neglect, and perhaps some of her other issues are also genetic.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms