I can't stand my stepson!

Amanda - posted on 05/12/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )

3

0

1

My step son is 3 years old. But I can't stand him. I can't stand when my husband even mentions his mother. I've seen many articles on people not liking their step children that I can some what relate to. The problem is I've known my husband for 5 years. We started dating 3 years ago and been married almost a year. We have two childre. Tovether 2 year old and a 1 year old. Here's where it starts though. My husband never seen his soon until our daughter was 2 months old. And only seen his son 2 times then. Then all the sudden I have our 1 year old and my SS comes into our life again. My husband is always yelling and screaming at HIS son. Saying how he cant handle it, wants to sign his rights over. He is like a monster. We constantly fight when he is around. Not just that this 3 year old is mean to my kids kicks them down and sits on my one year old. Also, my step son has wipes his poop on the wall.. takes his diaper off and pees everywhere. Kicks and screams at me and his father. Will make his nose bleed when he doesnt get his way. Will throw his food around anf spit his drinks out. I love love love my husband and everything is relaxing and great when my SS is not here... I can't deal with it anymore. My husband acts fake when people are at our house making it seem like he wants them there. But as soon as peope leave he is that monster again. I don't want to leave my husband but I don't want to constantly go through this and have our kids go through this. And please no harsh comments. No one is perfect. But my husband did not paint this picture into my head when he asked me to marry his. His son was not part of the picture ever but twice until after I had OUR son. If I knew how life was going to be before I married him. Sad to say but I would have ran. But I love my husband when its just out family. And sorry if my story is everywhere.. Im just so upset.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sabrina - posted on 05/22/2015

5

0

1

your ss is a mess, I support you 100%. Try your husband give up his right and live your life happy without the kid. I have a 6 years old stepson, he used to live with my boyfriend 5 days and with his mother only 2, my husband is to good person ad basically ruined his life taking care full time of his son. When I met him, he was really in a very bad situation, we moved together 18 months ago, the kid started coming to my home friday to monday, was a horrible nightmare for me, my boyfriend is so lovely with him and with me, but I dont want the kid in my home. I pay for almost everything because my bf doesn't make to much money, I don't want to spend a penny in ss, so I don't. Now finally my boyfriend agree to have him every other weekend, so I am happy.
I don't know why I hate the kid so mad, even when he is not doing anything, I look at him I feel like I want to hit him, that really concern me a lot. The ss is a really good kid, but I don't like he acts like a baby, talk like a baby and 20 times per day says "papi I love you" interrumpting us, so my bf needs to answer back "I love you too" to many timeees! I never spend more than 4$ in him, also start to buy for him used clothes, he doesn't play any sport because the money is mine and I'm not going to spend it on him. I know that I'm really wrong, but I can't stop.

Ev - posted on 05/13/2015

7,252

7

909

I have to agree with the others. This child did not ask for this all to happen and he does not understand why he has to change homes all the time or why. Though his acting out is normal for his age, it could be a result of his being bounced around each week from one house to the other. Maybe his parents should be going back to court and getting it set up that one of them be the primary caregiver until he is a bit older and then do the week on and off routine. Kids this age need a consistent life pattern so that they are not upset all the time. At this age their communication level is not quite up to par with even a five year old so screaming and acting out are ways they do communicate. They do usually understand what is asked of them but the equation here is a lot different from a child whose family is intact.

Jodi - posted on 05/13/2015

3,533

36

3906

Any time you marry someone with a child (and he had this child before you were married), whether they have custody or not, you need to expect that there IS the possibility that the child in question may be in your life, and you may even end up with them in your home permanently. What if the mother has something happen to her? It's always a possibility. It is unfortunate that you didn't consider this before you married this person.

Clearly your husband needs some parenting skills. Firstly, practically ignoring his child for 2 years, and now not being able to cope with him. I would strongly suggest he do some classes to be able to support his son. ASk him if, when your children are 3, they act up (and they will), he will just want to sign the rights over for them. You don't GET to just give up on your kids. This child is 3. You get him 50% of the time, and have done for a year. You get 50% of the discipline time, so you cannot just blame the mother for his behaviour. Somehow, the two of you need to get on the same page and focus on consistent consequences and guidance for this behaviour. If you need professional help with that, then find some. What consequences do you have in place for his behaviour?

12 Comments

View replies by

Proud Mom 33 - posted on 01/09/2016

7

0

1

My stepson is 14 and has a drug attic mother and a controlling grandmother that's had enough of raising her grandson so she is letting the mother do the raising and now he is quiet as a mouse and sneaky and is smoking cigs and dipping tobacco! He hates me for telling on him and letting his mom and nana know I know his developing habits. He wonders why I care and the fact is that I don't really care and I just wanted him out of the house. I work a very tough job and the last thing I want to see is deal with him laying on my couch and I can't even sit down when I come in from working!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/06/2015

13,213

21

2014

Your husband needs parenting classes, for sure. If he treats ONE of his children this way, he'll treat ALL of them this way.
YOU need to realize that this child is 3 years old, and HE IS NOT RESPONSIBLE for his circumstances. He's only responding to things in the only way he knows how. After all...HE'S THREE YEARS OLD.
I'd say that perhaps some counseling is in order for you to understand how your hatred for this child is affecting your actions towards him, and his towards you.
Your husband played, and is now paying for his lack of responsibility with this 'other' woman. You're the rebound from that woman, actually, if he hooked up with you whilst the other was pregnant, and that never really turns out well.
My recommendation is that you be ready to be self sufficient and care for your kids, that you ALL get some counseling, that you and your husband both grow up and realize your individual responsibilities to both your own children and your step son, and that your husband successfully complete some parenting courses, because he's got no friggin clue about how to BE a parent.

LaNita - posted on 08/06/2015

1

0

0

Damm, I feel you! It's Not easy! But if you are married you gotta work through it. Talk to your hubby and you two may need to take him to therapy and get some yourself not because you are wrong but because you want to do right.

Anonymous - posted on 05/24/2015

13

0

1

I don't think you dislike the child as much as you resent him. He is an extension of your husband's past love life. It's normal to feel a bit jealous. However, this child did not choose to be in this situation. I have been a step-mom for three months (no bio kids- only 25yrs old) and it's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. In the beginning, I resented them for taking away my freedoms, my money, and I had to give up my perfect relationship and alone time with my S/O. However, you really have to sit down and put yourself in their shoes.. If you cannot deal with him, you cannot just sign him off. Do you think that your husband can sense your hostility towards the child, so he just wants to be rid of it? That's not very fair, and that child will grow up, and your husband will have a lot of questions to answer. Also, I'm sure the child can sense that neither of you want him, hence why he ONLY acts that way with you..

Raye - posted on 05/22/2015

3,761

0

21

Children have a right to have both parents in their lives. The father should not give up his rights to his child.... He should give up the girlfriend that can't find it in her heart to love the child.

If the father/mother did not take steps to prevent pregnancy (including abstinence), then they BOTH have responsibilities to that child. Any love interest they find should also want to care for the child. Even if the parent only has minimal visitation at the moment, no one knows if that could change to primary custody, and the significant other should better be prepared to be a parental figure to that child.

Stop acting like a child yourself and help the innocent child caught in the middle of all this, or get in a different relationship.

Raye - posted on 05/13/2015

3,761

0

21

He's three! I'm sure he doesn't have a lot of words to express what he's feeling, or the maturity at 3 years old to deal with frustration in a calm manner. It doesn't help when the parent is not mature enough to deal with frustration in a calm manner, either. No one should be screaming at a 3 year old. I agree with Jodi, that your husband won't be able to cope with your kids either, if he doesn't get serious help. And you not being able to even hear the mother's name without getting upset shows your maturity level, too. She's going to be a part of your husbands life because they have a child together. That won't change. So it's something you just need to deal with.

The kid has to be taught how to act: not peeing and pooping all over the place, and not being mean to his siblings (because your kids are his brother and sister whether you like it or not). All the parental units should try to get on the same page with rules and discipline so it's not such a big transition from mom's house to your house. He needs love and understanding.

I am a step-mom. I don't have any bio kids of my own. I LOVE my step-kids... even when they act up. I try to help them and teach them. I show them respect, and they (for the most part) show me respect. Yes, I deal with the ex-wife. And although I don't like her, I'm nice to her. It doesn't help anything to keep resentments or jealousy or whatever in my heart for someone that I know my husband does not want to be with and he's just as stuck dealing with her as I am. But it's all for the kids.

Michelle - posted on 05/13/2015

3,555

8

3244

Shared care is hard on the little ones ( I have done it for 10 years!!!). The key for it to work is to be consistent with the rules in your house and also the punishments. He's at an age where he is trying to push boundaries, it's normal, and because he is moving house each week he needs to make sure the rules haven't changed since he's been gone.
Maybe do up a picture rules chart (since he can't read) with what you want him to do and don't do. Put a red cross over the things you don't want him to do and a tick near the things you want him to do like put his toys away.
It takes patience and consistency and you need to get rid of the hateful feelings. It doesn't help as the kids can pick up on it.

Amanda - posted on 05/12/2015

3

0

1

I didn't mention we had him for almost a year (since he got him when I just had our son and our son is now 1) my husband has tried to spend time with him. He has disciplined him... but nothing has worked. He gets worse and worse with us. But when he is with anyone else he is fine. When we disipline him he just does whatever it is ten times worse and screams at us. So my husband and I have tried everything. And situations are getting worse and our daughter is good and then when he is here she acts out. so he had a year of trying to build a relationship... ( his son is now a week with his mom and a week here ).

Michelle - posted on 05/12/2015

3,555

8

3244

By what you have written it sounds like your husband could do with some parenting classes to be able to manage his sons behaviour.
You haven't mentioned any of the discipline or how his behaviour is managed while in your home.
He's only 3 and if his Father hasn't really been in his life, of course he will act out. Your husband needs to take time to build a relationship with his son. It doesn't automatically happen, it takes work, just like any relationship.
It's very sad that you both don't like a 3yo, he's too young to know that consequences of his actions.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms