I cannot stand my step daughter!!! Help!!!!!

User - posted on 01/01/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My husband and Ihave been together for 3 years now. When we first met I had my daughter (who was 8 months at the time) and his daughter (who was 6). She has always been the type of kid who pushes until she can no longer push... but with DH and his family there is no limit. She can do whatever she wants with no problems. Daddy and his parents where still doing everything for her. The kid either couldn't or wouldn't get her own drinks or pour a bowl of cereal.

Since day one I have been trying to break her of the "I can do whatever I want" and "I can get whatever I want" attitudes. She hates me and never wanted to stay at our house becuase I had rules (which was no a problem at dh and grandparents house). I expected my 2 yo to follow these rules, surely a 7 yo could. This has caused many problems in our house. Mainly beacuse I told hubbythat he cant be giving her baths and she was not allowed to sleep in our bed. I mean for gods sake shes to old for it. To top it all off any type of punishment I tried giving was too much. I spank my daughter, while I would never lay a hand on his daughter I beileve she needs to have punishments for misbehaving. She throws fits and daddy gives in... I have given up on that and no longer want her over.

Within the last year she has turned into this child that I no longer want around. Not only does she hit my daughter every chance she gets, but she also takes her toys away. She tries her hardest to make sure my daughter is no where near "her" daddy and she makes fun of her. Another thing is she is always glaring at me. Any chance she gets and daddy is not looking she gives me the death glare! And she is always trying to put herself between hubby and myself. I am being totally literal here.... she will shove herself between her father and me on the couch.

I guess I need help with this because hubby and his parents, in a way, encourage the behavior. They laugh when I express how she is not only acting like a huge baby, but also hurting my child.

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Samantha - posted on 01/26/2016

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I cannot offer advice as I am in a similar situation. I have one bio child/ a teenager and two step children who when I first me were so darling and sweet.... We actually got very close, we would play games, shop, cool and play together until slowly little issues became bigger issues. Calling me fat, telling me I should go back to work after a 10 hr day, criticizing my cooking, my cleaning, my car. Basically nothing is ever good enough. I have tried and tried, almost 4 years now but I'm at my limit. My relationship with my bio child is suffering not to many ion my marriage is also suffering. I not sure what to do. I've tried becoming friendly with their mom only to have to her text me I'm 'beneath her' and 'it sickens her that her kids have to spend 4 days a week with me'. I even started trying to buy their affection.... That worked for a while but I went broke doing that.

Ev - posted on 01/02/2015

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I read this post and had to think long and hard as to how I would answer you. I can see a lot of problems just from the small amount of information you have laid out in your post. Please understand that this may sound hard but its not meant to be judgmental either. Its the hard facts.

1) I have to ask a few questions about the relationship you actually have with your step daughter. When you first met her how did things go? Did you try to involve her in things, make her feel as if she was just as important to you as your child is to you, get on her level and learn about her, and do things with her? You see, you can not expect a child to just up and respect you when you first enter the picture. You as the adult have to earn their respect. From what you tell me, you resent her. I have something to tell you about your resentment. She can tell you do by the way you talk to her, the way you get frustrated with everything, your body language, your tone of voice, and how you said you tried to break her habit of getting everything her way (essentially she might think you are trying to take the place of her mom). You have said her dad and his family just let things slide. THat is not going to change anything. But a child does know when a new adult that is to be mom's or dad's new spouse does not like them or tries to like them.

2) Blending a family is a big deal. You can not expect to get married and put your children together and have it just suddenly work. It takes a lot of work before hand to make sure that you are on the same page as he is. Apparently, you did not set up the expectations of what you wanted when you did blend the family. No rules were set to be enforced equally to all children except only those he thought would be okay for his daughter but did not seem to include you in that matter. Communication is key to this working and you two clearly did not communicate that very well.

3) You apparently knew how this child was when you were dating this man. If this was too much for you then, why did you marry him?

I really think that you should look at my questions and think about them and answer them for yourself. My kids have been through 2 step moms and step siblings already. The second step family is still in the picture. The first step family did not last 14 months. My kids never were able to get along with the step moms much because those two women did not take the time for my kids at all. There were rules but my kids were the ones that suffered the most because of how those rules were enforced. They got the brunt of being the ones that got in trouble when it was not their fault. As much as they tried my kids could not make their step moms like them much.

I also think besides parenting classes, you and your husband need to take some counseling with a marriage counselor too.

Michelle - posted on 01/01/2015

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So why did you marry him when you were having problems?
You need to be having the discussion with your husband that he needs to set rules and consequences and follow through. Let him know that he needs to be a parent. Encourage him to go to parenting classes that will help him setting boundaries.
On the other hand, disliking a child is not good either. Maybe you should also go to the parenting classes so you can both be on the same page and learn other ways of discipline apart from spanking.

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