I cry so much and feel so empty

Sheila - posted on 03/29/2014 ( 17 moms have responded )

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My daughter left @18 cuz I wouldn't let her go stay the weekends with her b/f parents house where they were having sexual inter coarse at , she got mad and left and called her dad to live with him , she in school an has a job now but she doesn't call me or won't nothing to do with me , next thing I know iam being served papers at my business for child support , full custody , an pay her health , vision , dental insurance , her dad is un employ drawing a un employment check for almost a year , he stop paying child support to me and is behind on a court order medical bills payments , I don't see how a judge would award him custody , I have taking care of her all her life an gave her the best of everything and he drives up and takes her without even discussing it with me , well if he couldn't support her without my help he should never came to pick her up ! He should had say stay with ur mom and respect and mind her she can provide better for you than me , any advice going to court in may

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/17/2015

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Not so much about a judge "awarding" your ex the "custody" of your now adult daughter, but in some states, the non custodial parent must still pay expenses until the child is 21, or out of school.

Your adult may reside wherever she wants. Furthermore, if you live in a state where parental support is mandatory until 21, you still have to legally support, whether she's living with you or not.

Stephanie - posted on 11/17/2015

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I'm not sure why your paying support for an 18 yr old that's working? Besides that let her be and let her come around, you guys will eventually have a relationship with her...or maybe you won't but you have to remember your not doing yourself any favours by being a mess..wipe away the tears and straighten yourself up and realize that you deserve respect from your child at any age and if they don't then hold her accountable by taking a step back and letting her know you won't be treated that way...at some point us as parents need to take back our power

Autumnatraveler - posted on 04/02/2014

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I don't have any advice on the whole custody issue but I can offer a little on fixing your relationship with your daughter. When I was 18 I pulled a simaler stunt and it changed the relationship I had with mom. At the time I thought my mom was being unreasonable ( now I know it was just out of fear and love). But the one thing I wanted my mom to do was talk to me and not at me. Your daughter is 18 technically she is an adult...try to understand her side it might have nothing to do with sex with her boyfriend but everything to do with wanting to spread her wings a little. You can teach your kids to be respectful, kind and to have good morals. But at the end of the day they are human. Teenagers are not perfect sometimes they fall before they fly. Don't give up on her...the bigger picture here is to fix the relationship with your daughter.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/01/2014

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Well, if the award was that he pay you, and he's not, you have to pursue it with the courts. You can't 'expect' anything, quite obviously, because he's proven that already.

I'm sorry you don't like truth, but this is it. Your statement of " u clearly must not have a daughter and don't have ur fact right" made me laugh. Hard. A teenager is a teenager. An adult is an adult. If an 18 YO makes a decision on living arrangements, it doesn't matter whether or not they're male or female!

Take your ex to court for being in default on court ordered payments. Ask that the amount be offset against what you will be expected to pay in support for her. The judge is most likely not going to force her back into your home, because she's legally an adult in the eyes of the law, and unless there is a reason for her needing constant supervision as an adult (medically or developmentally disabled), she's in charge of her life now.

I'm not disagreeing about house rules, and the need to respect them. However, if you don't want to do so, and you are 18, you have the right to remove yourself.

Sheila - posted on 04/01/2014

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Shawnn , with all respect you clearly don't know what your talking about on the medical bills honey , I took the ex back to court 2011 and won on the medical bills of 3,300 , the medical bill are already been paid from me to the medical services , in our divorce papers he was suppose to carry insurance and pay half of all medical bills , well he didnt and they keep piling up because he's a dead beat , yes he is current on supoort only because the way I have it set up through the BANK PLAN , you go to jail if u get behind , I receive 35$ a week from 1999-2011 for a girl , when I finally had the money to take him back to court to get an increase that he should had done on his on I he was any kind of man , I get 56 $ now that's not a whole lot for a teenager at the time , well with the medical bill I won on that buy I really didnt cuz he paid it for a while than stop in sept of last year when he got laid off , he draws a check now I understand that he don't have a lot of money but he could had sent 5$ here an there so when this goes to court yes I hope the judge will see he didnt pay that to me and offset it but my luck I will never see it , my point is .... That he obviously can't take care of her Financially so why he bring his stupid butt up here knowing he can't support her , when she had it made here but she don't want to follow my rules under my roof ! Easy that's all she had to do I let her have her freedom with her b/f and I let her go stay with him with his parents but when u don't wan to mind me an disrespect me and cuss at me yes iam a mother and its my right under my roof to apply rules !!! An by the way she not in any Academic , thxs for all ur input but u clearly must not have a daughter and don't have ur fact right , thx u and have a great day 😄

Shelby - posted on 03/31/2014

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sheila, I admire you for standing your ground I know it must be hard when a child goes in a directiin that you dont desire. but I thi k you did the right thing someday she will realize it in the meantime I hope yoy have a good support system do you go to church can people be there for you I wsh you all the best and be proud of yourself for doing what was best for your daughter.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/31/2014

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I get it, Sheila, but you don't seem to get that she's 18. She, at this age, has every right to decide she doesn't like your house rules, and leave.

Her father shouldn't have to get your 'approval', or your 'consent', because you're speaking of a person who, in the eyes of the law, is a legal adult. The support, as I understand it, by what you've posted, is purely for medical and academic expenses.

If your husband is not paying court ordered medical, then he's in contempt of court, but only the medical office who got the judgement can pursue that. If he's behind in child support to you, as I said, ask your attorney if you can request that amount be offset against what you'll be asked to pay.

You're being bitter about things you cannot control. 1. You cannot control your adult daughter. If she wants to leave your house for other living arrangements, she can at this age. 2. You cannot control what your ex does, or how he does it. If he gets a free attorney and you don't, what does that matter in the grand scheme of things? 3. No matter how much you want to, you cannot dictate where an adult will reside, nor who they will associate with.

I didn't say it was fair. Life isn't fair. Sometimes we have to suck it up, and move forward. Sometimes we have to decide if the battle we're amping up for is going to be worth it in the long run.

I wish you the best of luck.

Sheila - posted on 03/31/2014

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Shawnn, he is 2 months behind in child support but since he filed papers they have temp. Stop it till court and also he has court order medical bill payments he has not paid on since last year in sept he still owes me 1,500 that he couldn't pay that I had to take his sorry butt back to court to get that , he has a free lawyer and I have to pay 750$ for one , don't see how this is all fair that daughter get mad cuz she dont like my rules daddy drives up to another town to pick her up with out discussing it with me till this day , that didnt have nothing to do with her life all these years know he wants to be big daddy , I don't have a problem with paying support but I will do it the right way through court !!!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/31/2014

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I fail to see how a judge can tell an adult where she may or may not reside.

Your adult daughter decided to live with her father. The judge isn't going to make her 'go home' to you, because he sees her as an adult capable of making her own living choices.

You apparently live in an area where full support through college is the norm, so you'll have to stop expecting him to supplement your income, and you'll need to start supplementing his. That's most likely the only thing a judge can make a decision on, and its only fair. However, if your ex is behind in his support, I would most definitely see if that amount could be offset against yours.

One of the hardest thing for us, as parents, to handle is that time when our kids exert their adult independence. We need to remember that we cannot hold their hands all the time. Yes, you are upset about her sexual activity, but you cannot control that any more. You can only rely on your parenting of her, and pray that she makes good decisions and choices.

On your opinion about her boyfriend...be careful, you could be forced to eat your words. Your daughter is not going to have the same taste in men that you do, and you should not try to dictate her choices. The most you can do is cordially interact with the person that she chooses, and not try to undermine her decision with negativity. YOu never know, they could end up married, and last the rest of their lives together. My hubby and I did...

Jodi - posted on 03/29/2014

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Your daughter is 18. A judge is not going to pass judgement on her decision as an adult to sleep with her boyfriend. You chose to not allow it, and that's fine, they are your rules. But you can't choose to disallow it in someone else's home. She has made her choice to live elsewhere. She also has that prerogative. yes, she had a roof over her head at your house and you got paid his share of the child support. Now she has a roof over her head at dad's house, and DAD is paying for her living expenses, so now your share of the child support goes to him.

Unfortunately, you can fight this all you like, but I do think it is time to face up to the fact that your daughter is 18.

Sheila - posted on 03/29/2014

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She had a roof over her head here too but she get her way over there with the b/f stay overs , I believe the judge will frown at that , that was the whole reason she left cuz I don't allow that , this is just a paid day for him cuz he knows I make alot of $ and will have to pay him child support while he sits home and draws un employment checks while me and others pay his checks , he had nothing much to do with her all these years why start now

Jodi - posted on 03/29/2014

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But he is still providing her with a roof over her head and food in her mouth if I am not mistaken? And possibly paying her college bills?

Sheila - posted on 03/29/2014

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Jodi , thxs for the reply , he is current on the child sopport but he has not paid march 2014 support , even if our daughter is with him he is still obligated to pay till court and have it reverse , he pays through a bank plan so if he is late I can process him to contemp of court and he has to tell the judge why he not paying , and yes he has not paid me the court order medical bills he stop when he got laid off he still owes 1,500 at 125 a month till paid , I understand I have to pay childsupport on her as long as she in school and college I think but she so into the boyfriend that I doubt she finish school and she said after he graduates Community college he is 20 yrs old that they are moving to alabama where he will go to college and she will take online classes , I just see her throwing her life away with him but maybe not , I just stay so sad about all this and her father hasn't gone out his way all these years to help so I see this as money in his pocket , cuz I don't believe I can write out the child sopport checks in her name , thxs for any advice

Jodi - posted on 03/29/2014

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I didn't even know you could go for custody of a kid over 18. After all, she is an adult. Where I live, that would never have happened.

However, having said that, if it is permissable where you live, then the judge awarded him custody because that's what your daughter wants. She is old enough to make her own choices and she made it. This isn't about HIM wanting child support, this is about the fact that regardless of what you think, you still have an obligation to support your child. If he is still behind in his court ordered child support, can you offset it?

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