I'd like to know whom to trust....

Molly - posted on 05/17/2016 ( 30 moms have responded )

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i joined this site last week. i have posted a bunch of concerns and worries. i may sound stupid when it comes to having a baby, let alone two a one time maybe i am. i am not a stupid woman. i am noticing there are some bizarre patterns in some of the users here. i already was told one mom was lying, but i wonder how much advice i am getting from liars.
maybe i should have started with i am an actuary, a mathematician, i work with numbers and statistics all day. that may be why i am so nervous about twins. i know the odds of carrying them to term, them being healthy and all that stuff. and i spent a lot of time looking over posts and responses today and sort of got sucked into what appears to be a pattern.
here is what i need to know: whom do i trust? i see names over and over and that they have lots and lots of posts. my math mind tells me if they were bullshitting me they'd not stay around but get bored and move on. i see jodi, dove, evelyn, michelle, sarah (a few of those), shawnn, llittle miss etc, and raye, that have been around long enough that their story would get mixed up and they would be busted and leave. so i guess i wonder should i stay and trust the answers i get or should i leave? i had two miscarriages and i openly shared that here thinking the other people would understand and know how i felt and how scared i am now. not laugh at me and make false witness to me. when i spoke to my husband, derek, today, he told me to quit this site. but i need a place to share with mothers who can give me real advice. i don't want some false story about your dead sister and your handful of babies. see, this is where the math part comes in. do you know the odds of two women with dead sisters, both adopting dead sisters kids, and having kids of their own and then both sharing data on the same site? i did the math and it is like 90 thousand to 1. add in all the kids are girls, most are disabled and the actuarial data is off the chart. so, whom do i trust? just cause i am new, and not a mom yet doesn't mean i am not smart enough to smell bullshit. i have two tiny people in my womb, i am scared beyond words. please be respectful enough to not answer my questions if you don't know what you are talking about. maybe i need more book referrals instead of asking moms on a site full of liars.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/17/2016

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Molly,

I ditto Sarah. Sarah E, Jodi, Dove, Evelyn, Little Miss...all those you named are straight shooters.

I'm sometimes a bit blunt, but that's just me. I still won't lie, neither online nor in person.

Dove - posted on 05/17/2016

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And wow... do I really have 10,000 posts to my name? Sheesh... lol

Dove - posted on 05/17/2016

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I definitely understand your doubt and mistrust. Generally speaking, I trust no one online unless I've been posting w/ them for years.

Michelle - posted on 05/17/2016

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Molly, there are a few that come on here to just troll and get a rise out of people. It's sad but it's not the majority.
I have been on here for years and Moderate a few communities as well as Admin one. Sometimes I can get a bit short with people and I apologize for that. When you see 6 posts a day asking if they are pregnant it gets a bit annoying.
I have made some great friendships on here though.

Sarah - posted on 05/17/2016

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In my opinion you trust yourself. This is the internet. Anyone can be anything. As I tell my kids not everything you read on the Internet is true or right. So you use your own judgement. It can be a great tool for advise, but that does not mean it takes out your own judgement and common sense.

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Molly - posted on 05/20/2016

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I think i was just sort a reeling from the amount of postings that were down right lies and it made me feel very uncertain. i know not everyone here is a liar and i am already getting a sense of who posts in the best interest of the inquirer. i am a bit sad that some communities are barely active. like i posted about the small group i run for teens-- it is Catholic, so i posted it there in hopes i'd get some advice, but so far nothing. i will just wait i guess. or ask a fellow church member her thoughts.

Ev - posted on 05/20/2016

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Linda--There are a few on here that do post some good advice. Not all of it should be taken with a grain of salt. Some of us have been in these situations or similar ones and can at least tell our stories to a point to get across that the others are not alone in their troubles. Also, given that some of us have had similar experiences to those posted, we also see a lot of the same questions posted all the time: Am I pregnant? Do I get to have full custody? My baby daddy is a dead beat--how can I get his rights taken? And of course other similar questions are raised on this forum. Since we see a lot of questions that are the same we know how to answer them. Others come from experience while others come from our own knowledge base. But I do concur that a person take what they learn here and research it to the fullest extent.

Linda - posted on 05/20/2016

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Take everything that is said here with a grain of salt and do your own investigating. If someone gives advice you can either follow up with a doctor, therapist, trusted friend, etc., but I wouldn't take ANYTHING that is said online as fact. Opinions only and a way to start researching something you may not have thought of on your own.

And good luck with your two new babies!

Dove - posted on 05/19/2016

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As far as the doula goes... if that's something you would like to consider she would just be an extra support person there for you during the birth. Not something 'I' would be comfortable having, but many women are.

I had a c-section. Due to a variety of circumstances I went in to be induced at 37 weeks. The Pitocin did nothing for me, so they broke my water and when they did that... baby B's heart rate went up. I was still only dilated to 6cm and still not in actual labor. I'm pretty sure baby B just wanted out and baby A was too stubborn... lol So we did the c-section to keep baby B from staying in distress. Turned out to be a good choice cuz she was so stuck in my ribs that the doctor was quite literally jumping on me to dislodge her. ♥

Molly - posted on 05/19/2016

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Thanks. Dove-- i have a question for you. did you push your twins out or have c-section? my sister in law, had a doula for her births. and she wants to give that to me as a gift and she said it would be good if i started interviewing them early. she said the doula comes right when you start labor, stays with you and then her doula even lived with her for a few days to help her with the babies. no offense, but debbie is a total earth mother, she had her babies at home! so i get the doula for her. i can't have twins at home. i don't want to even try, so do i really need another person with me? now the at home part sounds like a great help. any thoughts?

Sarah - posted on 05/19/2016

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You can count on a group of us to have your back. Balance is important. I think i read a post by you about social media, so you know how easy it is to get sucked in. Soon your babies will keep you too busy to spend time here.

Molly - posted on 05/19/2016

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ok, i took a breather and i realize i was sorta spinning out of control. i am lucky i have a husband who is honest with me and told me to spend a little time thinking about what i benefit from this site. i do find it fascinating, reading the posts and the questions moms post, but is it a good use of my time? maybe. i slept great last night and today i am more hungry than tired so that is good and everyday i go without that terrible cramp and dripping feeling the more i believe this is going to happen for sure. I went to early mass and told my priest the news and we prayed a bit. so i apologize for going crazed pregnant lady last night, i was a bit off track. i do hope i can count on y'all to answer my questions if i have any

Sarah - posted on 05/18/2016

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So very true. Even though I was a Labor and Delivery room nurse and I taught moms how to handle, diaper, bathe and nurse their teeny newborns. I still had a long learning curve ahead of me. I do think that so much will come naturally. We have instincts you are just tapping into yours. It does seem daunting to be responsible for two babies, so don't think about it. You and your hubby will handle it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Babies are remarkably resilient and forgiving. You aptitude for numbers is a concrete ability so I can see why the unpredictable fluidity of child rearing is scary. Try to enjoy being pregnant! You made it this far and soon you will feel the babies kick and your belly will grow. CPR for infants is an important skill so take that before your belly is really big. Hang in there, focus on the present. Don't worry about toddlers, or school or any of that.

Dove - posted on 05/18/2016

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TRY to relax!! For the record... no one knows what they are doing when they have their first child. Seriously... I did child care starting at 17 (starting w/ my cousin's son... watched him several times a week from birth to a year and a half), a course in child day care at 18, and read SOO many pregnancy, birth, and child care books til I was 25 and gave birth. So... I 'knew' a lot, but actually BEING a parent and the one ultimately responsible for the well being of a tiny human (or two tiny humans) 24/7... is a trip and no one is fully prepared.

And...After I had been a parent for a few years I thought I knew it all... and I had my son and EVERYTHING I thought I knew... didn't work for him and I had to learn everything differently.

I don't say this to scare you, but to let you know that all of us 'wise' parents... started out where you are right now. A good book to take a look at is 'What To Expect The First Year'... it can give you a bit of foundation and ideas, but also keep in mind... no book knows your child. Asking your parents or friends/relatives w/ children is another good resource... but again, what worked for them might not work for you.

And yes... there are parenting classes available in many areas. Talk to your OB if you think you'd like to check one out. Infant CPR is also a good thing to learn.

Ev - posted on 05/18/2016

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Molly--you can do anything you want to as far as how you get help and answers to questions. But you should know that none of us knew much at first either. I knew the basics of how to take care of a child's needs like how to feed, diapering, bathing and such. As for how much a child eats, the doctor will explain that to you and how to do it and when to increase amounts given. As far as rules that comes with time and experiences. You would be best off asking your parents or his as they did raise kids already or trusted friends. I asked my parents and even grandparents for ideas. But I mostly remembered a lot of how my parents raised me and used that as a guideline.

Molly - posted on 05/18/2016

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alright i have been reading a lot of you guys posts about babies and kids and the rules and what to feed them, and here is my dilemma--i have no idea what i am doing! how did y'all figure all this stuff out? i mean i am not a stupid teen, i am a grown adult with a job and like kids and i want kids. but how do you figure out why they cry, how much are you suppose to feed them, what do you do if they get sick? do i just call my mom or derek's mom or his sister every time i have a question or am i supposed to know what do to? i am starting to freak out a bit. is there a class? i never really was around kids growing up-- i played sports and was into math. so if my kids want to play soccer or learn math- i can handle that. the rest is starting to seem scary.

Dove - posted on 05/18/2016

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Growing two babies is a bit different than growing one, but then different people have different experiences w/ that as well since every pregnancy is also different. I will give you as much input as I can... but just keep in mind that 'I' was pregnant w/ twins 15 years ago and some days I'm lucky to remember details from yesterday (I have a LOT of issues...lol). :)

Sarah - posted on 05/18/2016

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The fog should be lifting soon, very soon in fact. Then you start doing things like going to the store and forgetting why you went in the first place, or locking your purse and keys in your car.

Molly - posted on 05/18/2016

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thanks ladies, i can see by who responded which posts to take seriously. we have told our parents and siblings and i am working up the nerve to the the staff at work. derek is pretty private so he may not say anything to his friends or coworkers for a time. i can tell he is busting with pride--like my sperm are so mighty, just one made two babies-- i know he felt like i did with the lost babies-- like a failure, like he felt there was a defect in his sperm and i felt there was something wrong with me that i could not hold the baby inside. we are both scared that these will come too early but we both believe that God's got a plan and our job is to follow His plan-- but i still really want this to go my way.
thank you for all of the feedback and if there was someone i missed, i am sorry.
while i am here before i leave for work, i am somewhere around 15 weeks, depending on which due date you choose. when will the desire to nap fade? i am so sleepy all the time! i want to feel energized, not like i could fall asleep standing up.

Sarah - posted on 05/18/2016

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My postings number is accurate but my first response number never goes up. I don't know much about actuaries but I do find it interesting that you noticed patterns in posts. If it seems too good or terrible to be true, it probably is not true. Weigh each piece of advice, bounce them off friends, family or your doctor and you'll soon get a feeling of whom you can trust.
Even though I have parented 4 kids and am a school nurse for all ages and range of abilities; I don't know the answer to everything. I will give my opinion, or what I did for a particular issue but that is me; it may not be the right thing for you. I think that is one of the best features of CoM is you'll get different opinions and you and you husband can pick and choose what is best for your family.
Congrats BTW on the twins, you must be excited and scared. You have past the point of your previous losses (and I am sorry for that) losing a baby anytime is hard. I'd encourage you to be excited. You can only take the best care of yourself and the rest is up to God. Have you shared your news with family and friends yet?

Raye - posted on 05/18/2016

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Molly, I would never make up stories to lure someone into false security. I'm with you on not understanding what those people have to gain, except to feel like they "got one over" on someone. I am a step-mom with no kids of my own. My step kids came into my life when they were 6 and 8. Yet I will comment on posts made about younger kids and babies. I don't lie about my experiences or ever pretend that I've had kids of my own, but I've been around babies and small kids a lot. My grandmother was a foster parent to 68 kids and she also babysat probably dozens more. I wasn't around for all of them, but some, and I have been around for a niece and two nephews as well. So I have learned from my grandmother, my mom, my sister, and formulated my own opinions along the way. And there's many questions I pass up and don't comment at all because I feel I have no relevant advice to give.

Some of us regulars may be very straight with our answers, and that could be misinterpreted as being unkind, but that's usually not the intention. We may give opinions that people don't agree with. We don't provide validation just for the sake of commiserating with someone. We give our honest opinions whether the OP likes or agrees with them or not. We don't always agree with each other, either. Which is good, too, as it gives the OP different opinions to consider. It doesn't necessarily make any of us "wrong" and we're not lying to anyone, we just have had different experiences that make our opinions just that... opinions. People can take them or leave them. Nothing here is absolutely guaranteed to be THE only way to do something. But us regulars have seen a lot, and try to give advice we believe to be most helpful (and we advocate to research what is LEGAL if other's actions or opinions seem questionable). The readers must make their own decisions based on what's given or reject these opinions and go elsewhere to find opinions that more closely agree with their preconceived notions of things.

Michelle - posted on 05/18/2016

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Jodi your count is like mine, our 1st responses are greater our total post count!!!!
I also lost mine a while ago. Maybe it's for the best, I don't want to know how many posts I have made over the years!
Molly you will get to know the regulars.

Jodi - posted on 05/18/2016

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I lost all my posts in a stupid computer engineering glitch. Mine used to be at around 30,000 :P

And Molly, we can't really answer why someone would make up these stories. It is weird. But I've been sniffing trolls around here for a long time. Every now and then you get them popping up all over the place, and they aren't generally very good at it because they are complete whackjobs. They always trip up eventually if they stay around long enough :D

And yep, all these ladies responding here are genuine - I am friends with many of them on FB too because we connected here, and they are very real!

Ev - posted on 05/17/2016

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Molly--again the other women have known me for a while now. And I trust their words. They have come to trust mine. We back each other up.

Sarah - posted on 05/17/2016

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Not to worry Miss Molly ( I have a 17 yo named Molly, one of my favorite names) the liars either get tired of lying or they get tripped up in the stories. Like they say they have a 4 yo and a 4yo step daughter, well how do you have both if you daughter is the offspring of your current spouse? How could he parent both a child with you and another woman at the same time? I read posts carefully and i look at old posts to see if the story is consistent. Also, I had a tragedy that I was open about, I don't bring it up unless I trust the person I am interacting with; I may miss sometimes but if you don't take a risk you don't get to know people here. Your math mind must tell you the mothers with the most posts have developed a reputation for advice here. I hope you give some of us the benefit of the doubt. If you suspect a troll, you can report it by clicking on the report option in the lower corner of the post. A moderator will review the post and delete it if needed.

Dove - posted on 05/17/2016

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Some people are really, really weird and will make up stuff about anything. Likely a mental issue of something lacking in their lives. Some people make up brags. Some people make up sad stories looking for extra attention... Etc....

There's really no way to know for sure why some people say the things they say.

Molly - posted on 05/17/2016

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thanks, i am sad that i fell prey to liars. i guess like anything else, you have to weigh the info you are given. i hope that y'all can clarify one thing for me, why? why sit at a computer and bullshit about imaginary kids? especially disabled ones, it's not like you are gonna get money right? why not lie about how smart or athletic they are? like you have a kid at Harvard and one training for the olympics? it seems an odd choice to make stuff up that is sad. maybe they like the pity? i don't get it at all. not at all.

Molly - posted on 05/17/2016

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i wish i could take back half of my postings. once the dead sister, adopted kids and disabilities all seemed in common--my statistics radar went on alert. what a total let down--someone who probably doesn't even have kids and i was weighing on every answer.

Sarah - posted on 05/17/2016

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Well Molly, trust is blind. You trust your spouse when he is off flying and you are home alone right? Your instincts are sharp. The women you named have all been around for ages. You can see how many posts they have made; if they are new, take it all with a grain of salt.
I do know how you feel. I lost twin girls (they had a birth defect, nothing to do with being twins) and I shared my feelings in detail with what we call a troll. I felt totally betrayed, embarrassed and ashamed. It's hard to lay your self out there and then find out someone is stringing you along.
It is super random too. I got into an intimate discussion about breastfeeding nipple pain with someone I thought was a new mom. Turns out she was posting different stuff all over the site. One thing to check is a persons profile, you will see if her kids are listed and he recent activity. Look at what she has been posting. You will get a feel of how valid she actually is.

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