I don't get along with my inlaws and I don't know if I should throw a party on my son's 1st birthday???

[deleted account] ( 15 moms have responded )

I need advice on a big problem I'm having. I don't want to have a birthday party when my son turns 1 but my husband does and I don't know what to do..

I don't get along with most of my inlaws, but my mother in law is the worst. The woman has never liked me, and has publicly bashed me many times. She doesn't think I'm good enough for her son, and doesn't think anyone is good enough. Anyway I overlooked her behavior in the past, and moved on but now that I have a baby I can't take this woman's crap anymore. She underminds me as a parent, gets pissed when I hold my child around her, gives me dirty looks, makes rude comments about me, and is down right nasty to me when my husband (her son) isn't in the room.

On top of all of this she gets pissed off if I mention my family being around my son. She always has to show off with gifts and thinks that whoever gives more loves more. My family doesn't have a lot of money and can't give my son the types of gifts that she does. If I have a party for my sons first birthday I know my mother in law will hog my son, get pissy when any of my family holds him, and show off that she can give him bigger and better gifts than my family.

Now for the worst part of all of this...My son has food alergies, and even though my husbands family knows this they still try to feed him things he's not alowed to have. My son alergy to milk protein is so bad that if he has any form of milk it causes him to bleed from his rectum, and still they try to feed him milk products. My husband and I always stop them when they try to feed him things he cant have but we have never had our son around all of my inlaws at the same time.

My family doesn't try to feed him anything he can't have so I don't have to worry about my side.

If we throw our son a party I don't know if we will be able to keep them from shoving food down his throat that he can't have. Also I worry that I will snap if I catch anyone giving him anything that is going to make him sick. I really don't want to make things worse than they already are between myself and my inlaws, and I really don't want to blow up at my son's first birthday party.

Sooo what should we do? Does anyone have any ideas or thoughts on this? Would it be wrong of me not to throw my son a party for his first birthday?? HELP!!!


[deleted account]

My opinion.... you can't pick your relatives, but you can and should pick who you consider family. If you decide to have a party... make it a family party, which could be anyone not trying to cause harm to your child.

Or just you and your husband can have a small 'party' w/ your son. For the first birthday all they really need is love and a cake pic. ;)

Elfrieda - posted on 03/07/2012




Okay, here's an idea: instead of having one big party, could you invite your parents over one evening for supper, then your husband's parents another evening, and just kind of let the chips fall where they may when it comes to all 10 of your siblings. My husband comes from a family of 8 kids, and we never have all of them over for a birthday party. Can you imagine going to 13 (that's the # of nieces and nephews) kids parties every year? It would be insanity. I invite the ones with kids my son's age, and that's it.

I know some people think it's such a big deal, the first birthday, but if you don't want to have a party, don't. Or make your husband plan it if he wants one. People say, "It's for your son", but he doesn't care. What does he know about birthdays? I cannot imagine a kid getting upset later in life because they didn't get a birthday party on their first birthday. It just wouldn't happen. I happen to know what my parents did on my first birthday... they played with me and I learned to walk that day. There was a cake, but nobody else was there. It's a sweet story, and even in the poor-me phases of my childhood, I never was sad about that.

Chrystal - posted on 03/07/2012




Well that's a tough one for sure but I wouldn't keep your son from having a party just to save from dealing with in laws it's not his fault you guys don't get along and the fact is he will have special events through out his life may as well figure it out now cause it will keep being an issue. I'm inclined to say your husband needs to talk with his family about their behavior and that no one has to like each other but everyone has to respect each other; that it's not about you adults it's about your son. For the food allergy that's pretty easy if you are holding the party don't make any food available that your son can't eat. My son is lactose intolerant so for his first birthday I didn't serve anything with dairy; I knew none of the guest had allergies to soy so I didn't bother to tell anyone that the cake was vegan they loved it and my son was safe to munch on anything even birthday cake. Gifts that's a bit tricker since a lot of people want to see baby open their gifts but so what if she thinks money equals love that's her problem don't make it yours or your families. I'm sorry you have to have extra issues with your in laws but just try to remember it's really not about them it's about your son and focus on him at his party not anyone else.

Amanda - posted on 03/09/2012




At least you tried. I was talking to my friend who is also a mother about this. She had an interesting idea. Put a video camera hidden somewhere that she wont see it but it will she her. After the day is done take a look at it to see if you caught the comments and looks. After that show her and your husband. She may think in her mind she is doing no wrong. Maybe seeing what she is doing will help her understand. Sometimes walking away and letting her make the first move is the only answer. I hope everything works out if not I hope the three of you stay strong and don't back down!

Stifler's - posted on 03/08/2012




Throw a small gathering with your playgroup or friends and their kids and just have it on a weekday for something to do and don't invite the inlaws. I never invited inlaws or my family to logan's first just friends who lived in town.


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[deleted account]

The video camra is a great idea! I don't see anything getting through to her, but it would show my husband how she is. Even when she has done wrong by someone in the past and she admits it, she says she did it out of love for her child or she had some other reason. Nothing is ever her fault. No matter how mean and bitter she is she always thinks in her mind that it is justified. For examle I posted on my husbands fb page that he was in a relationship with me. This was before we got married and we were just dating. When he in turn posted on his own page that he was in a relationship with me his mom blew up. She posted a long comment on my husbands page addressing me by name that I was only around to cause problems. She posted on my husbands page (her son) for all of our friends and family to see that I didn't really love him, that I was using him, that I wasn't all that and he could do better, and then told me that when we meet again I would regret ever messing with her family after she was done with me. This woman is 10 kinds of crazy, and honestly I have NEVER met anyone in my life who treats people as badly as she does. My husband is perfect for me in every way except for when it comes to his mom. He thinks it's better to just keep the piece, but I don't agree. Yes there are some things that you need to let go. No family is perfect and mine is far from it, but I have never had to put up with this kind of mental bullying from anyone. You should pick your fights, but I have never been the kind of person to back down when someone was attacking me and that is what I do time after time with this woman. We went to visit one day and My son was reaching for me and crying and when I went to take him she turned her back to me and walked away with my son in her arms. She then told him he was fine and that he saw me all the time. She said it was her turn to have him, not mommys. I did follow her and take my son, but she does these things everytime we vist. She gets pissed off if we put our baby down for a nap and even went as far as trying to wake him up because she wanted to hold him and his nap was cutting into her time with him. If she wasn't my husbands mom I would have told her off years ago and walked away. I was raised to stand up for myself and I feel like I can't do that now. I love my husband so much that I end up getting hurt over and over again to keep the pain off him. My biggest fear is that this mess is going to hurt my son in the long run, and I cant let that happen.

You are so right in saying don't back down, and from now on I am going to stand up for myself and my son.

I can take something possative from all this. My mil has shown me what NOT to do with my own son. I will never treat him or any girl he ends up with the way that she treats me. I will not be up his butt everyday the way my mil is with my husband. I will not pass judgement on him or the person he wants to be with, and I wont use guilt to make him feel bad when he cant call me or visit as much as he did before he had a family of his own. My husbnd hates the person his mother is and I never want my son to feel like that about me. Sorry now I'm just rambling..

Anyway thanks again for the advice, and for letting me vent!!

[deleted account]

Amanda S,

You are so right on that I almost feel like your reading my mind. I have had a heart to heart with my mil a thousand times in my head about all of this but never to her face because my husband always says it will only make things worse. I honestly don't think things could get worse. Before I had my son, and before my husband and I got married I sent an email to my mil asking her what I had done to make her hate me so much. She told me that I was trying to steal her son from her, and she said I was using him, that I didn't really love him, and that I didn't understand love. She told me that I couldn't ever possably love her son as much as she did. She told me that I was a slut, and that she hoped God would strick me down for tricking her son and sleeping with a man before marriage. She was pissed off that I posted that I loved him for her and her whole family to see, and she told me that she knew I was only posting my feelings for her son to get to her. I tried to talk to her and tell her that none of what she was saying about me was true but she wouldn't listen. I told her that I posted my feelings about him before her and I ever met. Nothing I said got through to her. She made fun of me for having medical problems, and laughed that my doctors told me I would never have children. (Thank God my doctors were wrong!)

Anyway I let all of this go for my husbands sake and I moved on. At our wedding we got a picture of my mil and she is giving me one of her death looks. Honestly this picture is so evil looking that it freaks me out. It looks like the devil is getting ready to charge out of her eyes and rip me to pieces.

When my husband and I found out we were pregnant with our son we asked everyone not to post anything about it for others to see on facebook. We were not ready at the time to tell all of our friends, and wanted to wait until I was farther along. We did this because I lost a baby through a miscarriage only a few months prior to this. Everyone except my mil respected our wishes.

She started posting things on a daily basis and when asked not to she freaked out and told us to get over it. She said that women have miscarriages all the time and we needed to just move on and be happy with the pregnancy we had now. My husband and I ended up getting rid of our fb pages because of her.

I let it go once again and moved on. During my pregnacy she started acting different, and for once I thought things were going to get better. She acted like my best friend, she would call to check up on me, take me shopping for baby stuff, ask me if I needed help around the house. I was thrilled because finally I thought she had changed and saw me to be a good person, and good wife for her son. Boy was I WRONG!!!

After I gave birth she stopped calling me, stopped asking if I needed help, and once again the snippy comments and dirty looks started. As soon as she got her hands on my baby I was once again treated like an outcast. She underminds my parenting and treats me like I'm stupid if I talk to her about my sons alergies and the things he can and cant have.

I could go on all day about this but it is so bad that I feel sick everytime we go to visit. My stomach is in knots and I can tell my husbands is too. He hates how she is and he does ask her to stop when shes being really hateful but he doesn't know how to talk to her either. My husband doesn't see a lot of the things she does cause she makes it a point to be extra nasty towards me when my husband isn't in the room. Because she always does this I had to ask my husband not to leave me alone with her. Also she thinks she can do no wrong, and always thinks everyone is out to get her. When he confronts her she starts yelling over him and then crys and says she doesn't understand why we want to hurt her.

I hate this mess and I hate how it's effecting my life and my familys life. I am at the point where I want to walk away from her, and take my son with me but I don't want to hurt my husband. I love my husband more than I could ever say but I cant keep putting up with this just to make him happy.

It is so bad that I will never trust her to be alone with my son because I know she will try to make my son hate me with her lies. She is back stabbing to everyone in her life. She treats her daughters husband the same way she treats me and he told me that he doesn't want to have children because of her. I don't know what to do..

Thank you for your advice, and kind words. Good luck with the future inlaws!

Amanda - posted on 03/09/2012




I have to say that i am not in this position any more. My ex's parents are hoarders so I told them my son wont be coming here till the house is clean. You have to stand up for your kids when they don't have a voice. The problem is it can back fire! When he is older and asks say his grandma why she wasn't at this birthday or that she probably will tell him that mommy is mean and doesn't want to share you with me. I would have two parties. One with your side and one with your husbands side. If you have to carry your son around the whole time then do it. I think it is you thats needs to sit down with your mother-in-law and tell her how she makes you feel. My aunty never got along with her in-laws and when her father-in-law passed away she regretted not spending more time with him. She never told them how they made her feel and just didn't deal with it. I know that if I was in your shoes I would tell her. "First the next time you give my son food he can't have you will never be alone with him, and I can makes sure that it is court ordered for his protection. Second all the comments you make about me and the dirty looks you give me, not only are the childish but they hurt. If they don't stop you will not be allowed around my son. He doesn't need anyone in his life that is going to act like a child and who hurts his own mothers feelings. So either you stop and realize that your son has his own family that we do want you to be apart of, or don't bother coming around." I know I was ready to give a similar speech to my soon to be in-laws but never had too. Hope it all works out not only for you but your son! Hope he has an amazing First B-Day with many more to come!

[deleted account]


I LOVE the zoo idea!! That would save me so much stress and drama. Thank you!


You are so right that I need to start doing what I want instead of worring about others all the time. I am always putting everyone elses needs and wants a head of my own. In this case I need to make this about my son and not care about who gets pissed in the prosess. Thank you!


I can totally relate with you inlaw issues. It drives me crazy that they don't listen to me at all when it comes to my child. My husband and I tell them everytime we visit about our sons alergies and that the things they are trying to feed him will make him sick and everytime they blow us off. We had to rush our son to the hospital when he was a newborn because he was bleeding from his rectum due to his milk alergy and still they try to give him milk products.

My mil also gets pissed that we don't visit enough and we don't let her babysit. I just want to look at her and say well if you weren't always trying to make our son sick by feeding him things he can have, and you weren't so rude to me in front of my son then maybe we would let you. Duh!!

Thanks for the advice and the much needed laugh!!


Thank you for you advice! Have a great day!

Brianna - posted on 03/07/2012




I think u should have a bday party for you son its his 1st bday after all and its a big deal. who cares about ur inlaws i mean the party is for HIM not them. as for the food allergy thing i totally understand my inlaws would try to feed my daughter stuff all the time that i said not to cuz we have lots of food allergies in my family and certain things i didnt want her fed till later and i didnt want her fed solids till 6 months of age.. i would get soo mad all the time and they wonder why i never want them to babysit lol... my motherinlaw complains about my daughter not goin there andi just think to myself well maybe if u werent stupid lol.

Amanda - posted on 03/07/2012




Why don't you guys have a party for family and friends that you want around your child? You could have your husband host a smaller party with his family/the people you don't feel comfortable being around your son. I know that's a lot of work, but...

I guess you could also just do something YOU want to do and not care whatever anyone else thinks.

[deleted account]

Easy... don't have a party. Make this very first birthday a special one with you, baby and hubby. Save the drama of family parties for when your baby boy is older and not quite so vulnerable. My oldest child's first birthday was a trip to the zoo and a picnic. We had a cake at home. It was a wonderful day and we took many photos. Good luck, I do hope you can find a solution to your problem.

[deleted account]


Thank you for the great advice, and also for making me feel better about not wanting to have a party for my son. I myself think that one year old partys are more for the adults to celebrate than they are for the child since they are to young to remember anyway.

I wish my husband felt the same cause if we do have a party its only going to cause a ton of problems and unneeded stress.

I also agree with not inviting the whole family to the party but most of my siblings are married and have young children. My son is one of 12 grandkids for my parents. .

Thank you again, and have a great night!!

[deleted account]

@ Chrystal, Thank you for you advice, but I'm afraid I didn't give you enough info on the problem for you to see what I'm up against.

I do agree that it should be about my son on his birthday, and we should be able to put our problems to the side for his sake. I have tried and no matter what I do it's not good enough for this woman. She thrives on fighting and drama, and I'm worried that her negative behavior towards me is going to affect my son in the long run. I do not fight with her and I put on a smile even when she hateful but I know as my son grows he is going to wonder why his grandma hates his mom. I don't know what i will tell him except that grandma isn't well and hates me because I married your dad and she wanted him to herself forever. All of my inlaws hate me because my mil told them that I cheated on my husband and I have never cheated on him or any other man that I dated in the past. Anyway that is just the tip of the emotional iceburg with this woman.

As far as his alergies go he is alergic to a lot more than just the milk and dairy. He is also alergic to Soy, Wheat, Eggs, and Nuts.

My son's diet is very bland and even if I did find a way to make everything at the party things he could eat no one else would want the food. Also I have 10 brothers and sisters and our guest list would be huge. To cook everything at the party alergy free would cost way more money than we can spend. On top of that my mil always brings food with her to every family gathering even when asked not to. Plus other people on both sides of our family bring food with them due to their own medical problems that limit what they can eat. So no matter what I do there would be food at this party that will make my son very sick and people who only think of the happiness it brings to them to watch him eat it. They don't think long term and don't believe a word that doctors tell them so they think his alergies aren't real or the doctors are full of crap.

So you see I am not only worried about the drama that will come out of this, I am also worried about my son's well being both on his birthday and in the years to come.

Also my husband has talked to his family and has been fighting with them since we started dating over 5 years ago. They don't listen to him, and this whole mess is really hard on him. He hates how his family is but at the same time isn't ready to cut them out of our life. I try not to complain to him or put him in the middle because he cant help who his family is and he still loves his family so I could never ask him to choose. I am just so tired of being their punching bag and I don't ever want my son to be affected by their behavior.

I do thank you for taking the time to respond! Have a great day!

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