Louise - posted on 08/04/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )
I have been separated from my husband for almost 4 years. I cannot get a divorce at this point because I am still depending on his health insurance (I have a minor health issue that I really need insurance to manage). We have always home schooled our kids. They love it and it is necessary because of health problems with 2 of my kids. As of right now we scrape by on the child support we get. I am working to try to open a business that will help us financially and also allow me to continue to home school my kids. It is not an option to put them into the public school system.
Their dad has been very ugly about the money, even though on several occasions he had taken full responsibility for the failure of our marriage and said he would do whatever he could to help support us so I could continue to home school the kids. I am under tremendous pressure to do something to help our finances.
I do my very best to give my 3 children a normal life. They have full lives with several activities and friends. My family consists of my mom, my step-father, and a mentally handicapped brother who lives with my parents. Because of past traumas, my mom is unable to have a real relationship with me. My parents would do anything to help me, as long as it doesn’t take much time and it doesn’t involve a true relationship. I am kept at arms length. I have no other family.
The reason I am writing is because I am so incredibly lonely. I can go along and be ok for awhile, but then on occasion it hits me hard. I do not have much free time as the kids rarely go with their dad, and my mom wouldn’t baby sit for me unless it was an emergency. I have had a hard time making friends as my life is very difficult. I have very little money, work very hard, and have very little time.
I would love to have the opportunity to date. I have had some men show interest, but it never works out because I can’t openly date. My kids’ dad would cut off support if I did, and my parents would strongly disapprove because of the fact that I am not divorced. To them, reputation in our small community is everything.
Since becoming separated and moving back to my hometown, I have had 5 men from my past come forward and express interest in me. These are all from 25 years ago or more. Each time it has been wonderful. They had had secret “crushes” on me in the past, and are thrilled for the opportunity to know me now. But then it all quickly falls apart. I don’t know if it moved too quickly (and I’m not referring to sex), or if the realization I have 3 kids finally sunk in, but they suddenly backed away, leaving me devastated and alone.
I feel like I am in a catch-22. I am stuck in my marriage because I can’t get health insurance. I often feel the only way out will be when I fall in love with someone and remarry, which I can’t do because I am stuck in my marriage and my husband will cut off child support if I date.
I am going through guy from the past relationship # 5 right now. He lives 1,200 miles away and has talked about trying to visit. I am terrified because I don’t know how I would manage it. I can’t have him here at my home because of my kids. I don’t have anyone to stay with my kids for a couple of days anyway, and I don’t have the money for a hotel room for him to stay in. I don’t even have a credit card. I would love to see this man and explore the possibilities, but I think my hesitation has pushed him away, leaving me once again, very ALONE.
I am a 46 year old woman, very attractive, fun loving, honest, with a lot of love and passion for life to offer. It just seems I will never have the opportunity to offer it to anyone. I found Circle of Moms website by typing into Google search, “Does anyone else feel so lonely they can’t go on?” That sums up where I am.
I normally go through my life with a smile and full of optimism, but at times like this, I don’t know if I can go on. I don’t even have a friend to call when lonely, and I long for a companion to share my life with. My children and beautiful and I love them completely. I am not complaining about being poor or having to work hard. I just want the opportunity to love and be loved, and I don’t see that ever being possible for me.
Thank you for listening. Do not feel obligated to reply, I am hoping it helps just writing this out and know that someone read it and maybe said a prayer for me.