Mary - posted on 12/19/2012 ( 23 moms have responded )
So, my husband has conveniently worked away from the family for about 7 out of the 10 years we have been married. He has been verbally and emotionally abusive. We have no joint accounts. He gives me no money (maybe $500 a year, literally). The only time he pays for anything in the house is if he's living in it, even then, its rent and his expenses, I still pay have to pay utilities, car etc. There's 3 kids (youngest two are his, now ages 10 and 8).
I moved away from my native area where I had a career, to a small town where I couldn't find regular work that would pay for my kids. My parents agreed to help in the "temporary" set back. He quit his job and got another - in another state. We were supposed to move there, he said not yet, the plant might close - he got laid off. For a year and a half he was home, but did very little to help with the kids. He is angry all the time to me but is very nice to our children. His last job, I told him I would no longer move with him because of the abuse, but I would move closer to my parents on the West coast. I chose to live with my aging father-in-law for a few months while he figured out where we would live. A year and a half later, I ended up being my father-in-laws caregiver, with my 3 kids, and my husband conveniently taking another job in another city - though this time he can actually come home on weekends instead of every 3 months.
So, dilemma for me is, I can't get a job that covers day care because I am sort of displaced. I can't qualify for any assistance because my husband has THOUSANDS of dollars in stock that he won't spend - and he lied and said he had no money in it.
I am a "married" single mom of 3 with no child support and no way out except divorce. On top of that, I ended up with my husbands dad and am about to have a meltdown. And then there's the kids who adore him... any advice?
UPDATE: Thanks to all. I had known this man for years and dated him years back. We re-connected and everything seemed perfect. Looking back, there were subtle signs about the financials, but I knew his family well, had a great job and never saw this coming. I made excuses for his behavior for years. Last weekend when he came home, we were watching Beauty and the Beast and he said to my 10 year old, "Never marry a man like Gaston, you want to marry a nice man like your daddy, right?"
My child waited a few seconds, then came over to the couch and whispered in my ear, "Do I want to marry someone like daddy, or someone nicer?"
OUCH! And you know what, I still made and excuse for him by telling her that he had been nicer the past couple weeks (its true). Aside from the verbal abuse later on, that moment was what put the wheel in motion for me. It is not hidden from them anymore. They see more than they let on.
So, despite what it appears, I am actually considered a very strong woman by everyone who knows me. But being strong sometimes means you tell yourself you can take more for the kids. It works both ways, I guess. Strong women leave, and strong women make the mistake of staying too long to tough it out.
I guess that's why I came to this forum. Not one single person, after all the responses, has told me to give him more time. That's where I am at. You can know the facts: a man has to pay/share the responsibility for his children and treat his wife kindly. Period.
And to the person who said he has backed me into a corner, you are right. I can leave any time, because my parents will help me. But he knows I am a compassionate person and put my kids first - and works that to his advantage. Heck, I've been taking care of his dad for a year and a half.
He gets one more chance. Help pay for the kids and household expenses, live with us and act like a married man, or I leave. No exceptions. He has to treat me the way he wants his daughters to be treated, because I can't hide it from them anymore.
Thank you! Everyone. It really helped.