I don't know if my son is my husband's. What would you do?

Megan - posted on 10/03/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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This is going to be long but I need advice. 9 years ago I became pregnant. I had been having unprotected sex with my bed buddy (now hubby) regularly throughout the entire month of November. On November 30th I had a one night stand. We first did it with a condom (he did not ejaculate) this lasted maybe 10-20 minutes. We then stopped and started again, without a condom. He again did not ejaculate at all, lasted maybe 5-10 minutes. I then had unprotected sex with my bed buddy (who always used pull out) December 2nd. I was due to start my period December 3rd (which were very regular). I waited until my period was a week late then went to the doctor. Blood test was a low positive. I had a ultrasound at 6 weeks that dated my conception date at December 3rd, the day I was supposed to start my period and right in the "danger zone". I went my entire pregnancy thinking I had conceived in mid November as I didn't realize they add 2 weeks to your due date. By this point I had already informed bed buddy that baby was his and he was involved. I was scared and didn't say anything. I did inform 1 night stand of the circumstances who of course denied any involvement. Well here we are, my son is 8 years old and this has been eating me alive for 9 years. We are still together and have another child together.

The main issue is that my son does not look like my husband. Our daughter has several of his features, but our son does not. It does not make sense that I would have gotten pregnant by 1 night stand. I know the early ultrasounds are really accurate, but it doesn't line up with my period at all. I also know the only way 1 night stand would have had sperm in his precum was if he had ejaculated and not peed afterwards, which of course I do not know. Even then the precum with sperm should have went into the condom since we used that first and the longest? I also know that even if he did have sperm in his precum and it got inside me, there is a very low chance of pregnancy. BUT the possibility is there based on all the circumstances.

One night stand certainly isn't contacting me trying to find out if my son is his, or be involved. And my attempts at finding him on any form of internet source (to compare pictures) have came up empty. Last I knew he joined the military, and moved across the country. I have no way of contacting him.

I don't know what to do. I have high anxiety and I'm a paranoid person and I have been obsessing over this for years.

My options are to tell hubby, which will devastate him, and if we decided to tell our kids will also devastate them.
I could do a "secret" dna test and find out on my own if he is the father or not. If he is the father the weight of the world will come off of my shoulders and I can move on with my life in peace. If he is not the father I will be devastated and I don't know if I'll ever be able to live with this huge lie.
I will do anything to protect my kids including living in guilt and agony daily, which is why I feel I need to keep my mouth shut and continue to give them the peaceful, happy life they currently have.
But I also desperately want to know what happened 9 yrs ago and who my son's father is. If I thought my husband was my son's father I would do the test and move on, but because he doesn't look like my hubby I'm too scared to do it.

I know I made a mistake in all this. I was 18, and exploring sex for the first time. It was the only 1 night stand I have ever had and I've never slept with anyone since except my hubby who was only my bed buddy at the time. I know I made a mistake and I have to live with the consequences of that now, and forever.

But what would you do? Would you do the secret test or not? I want to but I'm too scared

7 Comments

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/04/2016

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Mayan, all I can say is good luck with everything. You do need to sort it out, if only for your health. Mental health affects physical health, you know.

Megan - posted on 10/04/2016

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Yes my son looks mostly like me! He does have some features that could be my hubby, but a variation of them. Like he has his mouth, but his lips are bigger, top where my daughter also has his mouth but her lips are just like him.Their toes look exactly the same (they both have weird toes) but my hubbys second toe sticks out farther then his big toe and my son's does not, same with my daughter she has his toes too but her second toe also sticks out. I know I need to do the test but I'm petrified to say the least. I made the biggest mistake of my life not being honest 9 years ago and I've certainly been paying for it since then. Mental hell.

Michelle - posted on 10/04/2016

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You need to tell the truth. If you weren't in an exclusive relationship then your husband can't be that pissed off. Yes, he can be upset that you didn't tell him 9 years ago though.
Everyone deserves to know who the Father is.
You have said your son doesn't look like your husband but what about you? Does he look like you instead? Even when siblings have the same parents, they can look totally different so you can't go by looks, you need a DNA test done.

Dove - posted on 10/03/2016

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Paternity test and tell everyone the truth. Period. Your husband and son deserve the truth from you. They deserved the truth 9 years ago.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/03/2016

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If you were certain, you wouldn't be "living in guilt and agony daily". The very fact that you are questioning it means you need to know, and I'm sorry, but so does your husband. Yes, it may well mean a very hairy discussion, and possibly a separation until you both are on the same page again, but you have let everyone live with not knowing. If your now husband was "just a bed buddy", then he shouldn't be upset by your choice to sleep around, but he has every right to be upset about you keeping something this big hidden for 9 years.

Do the test. Be truthful with yourself. Then you need to be truthful with your family, and the one nighter, if he is the father.

Megan - posted on 10/03/2016

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Yes, I know all this but the only way precum can contain live sperm is if it is left over :in the urethra tract from a prior ejaculation. It does not contain live sperm "naturally". Because we first had sex with a condom any left over sperm picked up by precum likely would have went into the condom (I think). Never the less I realize there is still a chance he is the father.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/03/2016

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"it does not make sense that I would have gotten pregnant by a one night stand"...

You had unprotected sex! ANY type of unprotected sex can most definitely result in pregnancy, that's one reason to always use protection, and we aren't talking about the pull out method, which isn't a valid method at all, considering that precum contains sperm.

Whatever you do now needs to be done with maturity and consideration. You NEED to know, for sure. If there are medical issues on the side of the one nighter, and he is the boy's father, you need that medical history, for one...

Not gonna be easy, I won't sugar coat that, but you need to deal with the situation in the most honest way possible.

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