Jen - posted on 05/15/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )
I'm a very confused, stressed mom of a healthy 6-month old baby boy. I'm happy with being a mom but there always comes a point that someone ruins it big time - my boyfriend and my baby's father.
I remember we planned to get married but it didn't push through because of some issues - and thank God it didn't. The only thing I have to worry about is I still live with him.
He's good when he's happy but he's monstrous when he's angry. There have been many occasions on which he's laid his hands on me, not like punching on the face, he's more into pushing, kicking, pulling my hair. It's always hard to tell family and friends that he sometimes hurts me.
We have been together four years but started to live together two years ago.
Nowadays has been painful for me, physically and emotionally. A couple of months ago, he punched me on the back of my head. We were having a rough time with the finances and all, especially with our newborn son at that time.
It was just because I said something he didn't like, very shallow, really - like "you don't need to write that down because there's already the receipt that says all the information". So he just snapped and pushed me off the bed and shouted at me. It made me really mad so I pushed him, too, but knowing how really weak I am compared to his strength, this didn't even hurt him so I was really surprised when he suddenly punched me in the back of my head. It really hurt. It was terrible. I was about to go to work at that time but I couldn't leave because it still hurt and I was emotionally torn to pieces.
Just recently, our baby fell from the bed and it was my fault because I fell asleep. It was just so quick. I remember I was holding him and then the next thing, I just heard him crying. I felt so terrible and confused, how could that happen so fast. I couldn't believe I fell asleep. I was so angry at myself. But the next thing I knew, he came and started screaming, saying, 'why I was trying to kill our baby', about how selfish I am because I didn't care. He also hit me in the head, I don't even know how many times he did. I just woke up and felt confused - I swear I even had that feeling that it was just a dream. I remember him hitting and pushing and hitting like he wanted to bury my head on the bed. Then he kicked me on the leg and on the back I almost fell off the bed.
I didn't do anything. I just accepted all of it because I knew it was my fault. I felt so bad my baby fell that I just didn't care if he treated me like I'm not part of his family. We went to the doctor and I felt relieved there's nothing wrong with my son.
But now that I'm all by myself, I couldn't stop crying. I feel so disrespected, so little and worthless. What makes this more unbearable is because I have nowhere to go. I always think of leaving him but I don't even have savings. The money I got from work is paid for the rent. We divide the bills. He earns more than I do and the rent is pretty costly so there's nothing left from my earnings.
My family is as helpless as I am. As of now, they're even waiting for me to send them money. I don't have friends I could go to. The closest ones have already moved in other countries. I don't know. I guess this is the only I could turn to. I guess I just have to endure a little more until I can save a little and can start building a new life without him.
And he's been calling my stupid nowadays every time he's around I feel nervous doing stuff afraid to make mistakes. It's just sad, hurting.. I dunno.. :-(