I don't know what to do

Rachel - posted on 12/07/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Long story short, my daughter is a month old, i and her father used to talk before we found out i was pregnant but it was only for a month. Since then we tried making it work...well he supposedly said he tried but then figured just being good friends raising a baby is better off for us since the feelings disappeared. Well since then things been ok and we been battling thru this new adventure together. However ever since my daughter was born because we been spending so much time together and with his family its been hard for myself to accept that were just friends. Iv fallen in love with his family and him...as scary as that is to admit. My family lives 3 hours away and i decided to stay close to him so he could have his daughter in his life more but its such a struggle...i have no one else here. Im invited to all family events on his side and his family treats me like their family. Idk what to do anymore...im scared to talk to him about how im feeling cuz i think ill scare him away or just get disappointed. But i feel im at that point where i need to say somethings esp with the holidays coming up...i cant keep getting dragged around thinking im apart of this family n falling in love with them more n more for just one day him to say look i met someone else u cant b around. its not fair to me or our daughter.

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Jodi - posted on 12/08/2014

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Actually, be careful taking Michelle's advice, because not being on the birth certificate means nothing in most places. In many places, just the fact that he is the biological father, birth certificate or not, means he has 50/50 rights. Please, Michelle, be more careful before you give such advice, because that isn't always the case, and by the OP choosing to do what she wants when she wants, and withholding any access to the father she could potentially LOSE CUSTODY of her child - it happens. She also would not have the right to just up and move away from the father.

You need to get some legal advice based on where you live before you start making decisions to move back to your family, etc. By all means, go and visit them over the break, but definitely not permanently until you have established your legal position.

Michelle - posted on 12/09/2014

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I wasn't suggesting she withhold access to the baby. They aren't in a relationship and he hasn't signed any paternity papers. He wants a paternity test before getting his name on the certificate because he has doubts. Why should he get all the benefits of her doing everything to be near him and his family if he is wavering on being the father in the first place? She needs to also think long term of what she wants before it is too late was all I was telling her.

I agree with Jodi that you should get legal advice, though. It will protect you in the long run.

And I didn't tell her to leave them permanently, but as he has no legal rights at the moment, she is not bound to just do what he wants.

Rachel, the info I got was from a free legal website: freeadvice.com Some people on there can be kind of rude but others can be quite helpful (and of course, you'll get some who are both), so if you can weed through it, you'll understand what I mean. Good luck!

P.s. OhioGal is an actual lawyer as well as guardian ad litum on there. There are many cases like yours. I will admit that each state does have their own special laws and your case might be different depending on the actual state, so Jodi might be right, as I'm not actually a lawyer.

Michelle - posted on 12/08/2014

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If he is not on the birth certificate, he has no legal rights to her. At the same time, this also means he has no financial obligation (child support) to her, either. You do not have to do what he says just because he says it. Like I said earlier, the longer you do something, the more "status quo" you are setting, if that makes sense.

If he wants to step up as a father, then he needs to show it. Go be with your family. If he wants to see the baby, have him drive to see her where you are, or wait until you return. Drive safely, please.

Good luck!

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Rachel - posted on 12/08/2014

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Thank you! And actually he's not on the birth certificate or any paperwork at all because for whatever reason he wants a paternity test. (Kinda upsetting) he says it's for the reason of we didn't know each other lon enough before we found out. But ik he just has doubt. I mean why else...ik for a fact it's his 100% sure. And I did end up talkin to him, he thinks friends r just better off that way but now with the Christmas situation he think I should drive 3 hours back home on christmas mornin just so he could see her before that n we could have split time. She's only a month old! What is he crazy for wanting me to drive alone with her on a holiday like that?

Michelle - posted on 12/07/2014

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Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this! At the same time, congratulations on your new baby girl!!

My advice would be to have a sit down and talk it out with him to see what he has to say about it. You have to think of yourself and the baby, too. I hate to break it to you but if he is on the birth certificate, then what you are doing already is setting up some kind of status quo...meaning you are already establishing where you live as the common ground for the baby girl. And theoretically, if he and you do not work out, and you decide to leave, he can fight you in court (and win) that the child should stay where he lives as that is where the baby has lived all along, and that it is in the child's best interest not to move so far away. Get my drift...? (i.e., he could end up being the primary parent with you getting visitation..)

I'm not telling you what to do. I just want you to be aware of what you are doing in case things do not work out...

Good luck...

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