i don't know what to do? my ex husband and i split up almost 3yrs ago, and the hostility and vile nature from him has just got worse and worse.. i don't know what to do?? my son is 8yrs old.. i CANNOT live like this for another 8 years..

Hannah - posted on 12/05/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )

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i don't know what to do? my ex husband and i split up almost 3yrs ago, and the hostility and vile nature from him has just got worse and worse.. i don't know what to do?? my son is 8yrs old.. i CANNOT live like this for another 8 years..
there are financial issues and access issues... it's very complex? and my little boy, bless him, i think is telling both parents what he 'thinks' they want to hear.. and as a result, my ex and i are arguing over issues which shouldn't exist.

although he doesn't have the confidence to say what he thinks to his dad because he feels intimidated, a factor my ex isn't willing to take into consideration.,

i just don't know, i want to move away, go back to uni etc.. but i know he won't let him go? he only see's him 2 nights every two weeks..

i'm at my wits end.. i really do not want this for me or my little one.. he shouldn't be exposed to this kind of friction between his parents...

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Ginger - posted on 12/06/2011

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All u can do is adjust how you respond to him...if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.
As much as I want nothing more than to spit in his face, cause he is even harming my kids emotionally with his BS, there isn't anything I can do except give them tools to deal and not give him the reaction he is looking for. Consider the source and be willing to take nothing material and walk away with your sanity, and your sons.

Hannah - posted on 12/06/2011

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amanda, thats really unrealistic... things only 'work' out if both parties are willing to meet half way. he won't even discuss anything!
i just want to sit with a mediator, and both of us talk about what issues we have....it would involve him listening though? which may be a problem? :s

Amanda - posted on 12/05/2011

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Another 8 years? Seriously? You think when your son is 16 your ex will be out of your life? I am sorry but you have the rest of your sons life to deal with your ex. When your son grads from college, gets married, has children. Do you want to be right? Or do you want to do the right thing by your son? Stop think and breath. You can be the mature one and make everything work out.

Ginger - posted on 12/05/2011

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I am on my third year of an ugly divorce...sounds similar to your situation. I do not engage in discussions With him in front of the kids (8 yr old boy , 4 yr old girl). I call him from work or send an email. If he is any sort of narcissist court or lawyer will change nothing. I recommend biking your tongue til it bleeds, never stooping to his level ( aka taking the bait)...and always always remaining calm and cool as a Cucumber. Remember since you can't ever get away from him, might just try and adjust your reaction to him. It's all we have control over..our emotional regulation. I tell my son very matter of factly...we had a rough year but we will get thru it..why didn't daddy answer me when. Asked a question.b.c daddy is upset with me. I try to give him the tools he needs to navigate... Best to you and your son.

Michelle - posted on 12/05/2011

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What did your mediator say when he didn't turn up?

Maybe the next step would be to get a lawyer and have an agreement written up. Then have it delivered to him with a letter stating that if these basic things aren't done it will go to court and will be ordered by a judge.

I really don't know what else to do. My ex backed off when I got a lawyer involved. We have been divorced for over 6 years now. I now have the problem that we get along too well and he is always just "popping" in.

What country are you in?

Hannah - posted on 12/05/2011

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we had a mediation appointment, but he didn't turn up...
and today was the first time my ex and i talked in over 14 months...and the entire time he was ranting, i said 'can you just listen to me' sooo many times, and last time he said 'i don't want to listen to you'... so i hung up on him..

and my 8yr old is honest with me about the experiences there, but my ex won't listen... earlier i suggested another mediation appointment, which he threw back in my face.. all i want to do is sort this out. it really is horrible...
i used to watch films and hear stories about bad seperations, i didn't know i'd be living one.. and until you do, it's really hard to comprehend the discomfort of the situation. :(

Samsam - posted on 12/05/2011

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You guys shouldn't have covos and have thing more like hi's and bye's ,and tell him nothing is between us and when you came to the house play with your kid and leave when your time is over . we shouldn't be having convos unless it's neccesary as in emergency . also this is not healthy for our son and he will be damaged child if witness conflict between his at this young age . and get on with your life . never stop your life for waste useless stuff like . Remeber it won't stop until you stand up to oit ....excuse my crappy writting wish u the best

Michelle - posted on 12/05/2011

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Have you tried mediation? It's a good start before heading to court and it has someone else telling your ex the best way to treat your son.

I would also get your son into counselling. It will give him someone to talk to besides both of you. It will also help him understand to not have to say what you want to hear.

You also need to make sure he doesn't hear the 2 of you arguing or discussing him. I know it's hard (I have 2 from my first marriage) but like you have said, he doesn't need to be exposed to it.

I am lucky that my boys (10 & 7.5) feel they can always tell me what goes on at Dad's house. I make sure I don't react negatively in front of them (it's very hard sometimes) but they feel they don't have to tell me what I want to hear. I also do 50/50 shared care with them but am very involved with the school so I know what goes on during the week they are with Dad :-)

Good luck with it all, I know it's hard but we do get through it.

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