I don't like my 9 year old, she's MEAN!

Jacy - posted on 03/19/2015 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I CANNOT get my oldest to be kind to us. She is the nicest kid in school but a total jerk to her family....it's driving me crazy! I feel like I've tried everything and nothing seems to work?!?!

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Sarah - posted on 03/22/2015

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Sometimes it is hard to step back and look at a situation objectively, especially one as emotionally charged as this! If you've been in therapy, I have sure many different behavioral modification methods have been suggested; did any work, even a little? I think Jodi pegged it, she's pissed about the baby. Whether she knows it or not. I wonder to what level this issue has been covered in therapy? Unless a 9 year old is a true sociopath; they are not "mean" they are unhappy and behaving badly. What has your army of therapists brought to the table thus far s we don't have to repeat suggestions.
You are 6 months postpartum, have you been evaluated for postpartum depression? It can happen with one pregnancy and not with others. Maybe worth considering?

Trisha - posted on 03/22/2015

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And, also, after years of being a Manager, a GOOD manager will approach you and work towards your needs for respect and if possible try to keep you happy. A happy employee is a generally productive one.
Life is not "I am in a place of influence, therefore you must obey". If that is how your bosses treat you, unless they OWN the company, they will fall far from their high horse.

Hell, even Steve Jobs got pulled down from Apple for this sort of attitude. If it wasn't for the fact he was incredibly brilliant relate to business/innovation he would have not gotten back into the company.

Trisha - posted on 03/22/2015

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Jacy, my stepson is a pain in the ass in the past, and has been disrespectful on numerous occasions - like...daily.

Through raising him from 11-16 I have realized that the problem is NOT him. It is how his father and I have been reacting/treating him while he is maturing into an adult.

My husband and I go through counselling and my stepson comes up on occasion, and we have learned how to cope with him in this way. THIS is why I suggested these things. Not because I am on some high-horse, but because THESE are things that have worked for me.

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Jacy - posted on 03/24/2015

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Thank you all for accepting my sincere apology:) what's kinda funny is my life too is actually BLISSFUL...most people think I have it all. My husband is incredible, he is so involved with the kids. He takes care of baby EVERY night...we are financially beyond stable, have our health and our children's health, a lake home to get away on weekends....but these things come up and it rattles you to the core. Then u feel guilty complaining....though through therapy I have leaned guilt may only be felt if you intentionally did something wrong (like the shitty post I made:/) anyway...thank you to each of you. My 9 year old and I had a break through last night and it was so refreshing. Please keep me in your thoughts and posts.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 03/23/2015

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Jodi hit the nail on the head. Jacy, perhaps some counseling just for yourself would be helpful.

It sounds like a lot on your plate, and perhaps your body and mind are telling you it's time for some assistance.

Oh, and btw, I assure you that my life IS bliss, my kids are awesome (and grown now), and my hubs wouldn't even think of straying. LOL...In other words, honey, this too shall pass, and you WILL productively move forward. It just looks like a lot for you right now, at this moment ;-) Hang in there!

Trisha - posted on 03/23/2015

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Thank you for your response Jacy.
Raising a pre-teen/teenager feels SO much like trial and error sometimes it feels defeating. Keep trying though. I am sure you will find a way.
Lol... I am sure lots of the women on here have heard me say this before. When it comes to someone who lashes out/gets irrationally upset and annoyed try to monitor how recently they have eaten, and how much sleep they have gotten. :) I have to make sure my husband eats at reasonable times (even just snacks) and gets a good quality sleep to have a 100% successful day with him. These are JUST things that effect him. I noticed this pattern, and since addressing it, and ensuring these two things are fulfilled, as well as counselling his 'episodes' have decreased to once a month. Even during these once a month episodes we have learnt techniques on how to effectively cope with them. Sometimes that means me telling him his behavior is unacceptable, and telling him to leave the room to go calm down.
Lol...My husband is basically a huge man child. He never really had his mom in his life as a child so I find that a lot of the self soothing/self control techniques he should have learned growing up are significantly lacking. Your child will learn these in time. If my 38 yr old husband can learn them, your 9 year old definitely will.

Jacy - posted on 03/23/2015

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Ok ladies, here's the deal...you are all right! I shouldn't have lashed out at any of you. I am struggling with all of this. I struggled with this baby being a boy since I was molested by my brother (9 years my senior) as a child. I also wasn't even planning or wanting a third child. There are always going to be adjustments my husband and I can make to help better all of our children's lives. I take my medicine (just so y'all know I'm not "off my meds") 😳 but honestly I do feel like I voice her concerns and ask her about her feelings and talk to her about expressing them in other ways...getting rid of her nervous energy by shooting hoops or riding her bike...it worries me that my anxiety is being passed down to her. I try SO hard to hide my emotional roller coaster from her....she's just so in tune with EVERYTHING regarding EVERYONE....except herself. I feel like if she would focus on her own issues (for lack of a better word) as much as she focuses on everyone else's issues she wouldn't have a freaking issue! OMG!!! I sound like my mother! There are times that I work with her on breathing through an "episode" but training her to do something I struggle with myself is quite the job! One that I know takes consistency which is difficult as we all know. It's difficult to remain consistent in a world that is going so fast we can't keep up....please forgive my antics and let's move forward all helping each other. That is my whole honest truth. Thank you all for taking the time for reading and posting!

Ledia - posted on 03/20/2015

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You found honesty here.....I was certainly honest, but perhaps I shouldn't have sugar coated my advice for you. I did not intend to come across as hostile, but I am not going to apologize for YOU interpreting hostility in my words due to your own insecurities.

NOTHING that you listed when we asked for elaboration would have worked in your situation. If you have a disrespectful kid, punishing her is not going to make her more respectful, it's just going to piss her off and make her meaner. That's not me being "mean and unsupportive" that's just the truth.

Honestly, we were trying to be nice and help you out, and you come back bashing and swinging low blows......is it possible that she isn't actually being mean at all, you just think she is? Seems possible to me.

Lastly, just to clear some things up. I have a 10 year old, so I just finished that 9 year old phase where the child "just wants any kind of attention" blah blah blah. You think I'm a crappy parent because I consider what is going on in my child's life and how those events impact his moods and temperament? Well, I must be doing a little better than you are because my child isn't mean and disrespectful. And he isn't "spoiled" either. He has won national competitions for engineering, gold and silver medals in Junior Olympics at national levels, he is respectful toward others who EARN his respect by mutually respecting him, he volunteers regularly in our community, and he is an A+ student in a gifted magnet school, and a member of the National Junior Beta Club. He has also won awards at the state level for musical and artistic performance and exhibition. I may not be the best mother on Earth, and I DO know that I have my own shortcomings, but if I were the crappy parent you seem to think I am, my child would not be so well accomplished.

Enjoy your mean kid. Sounds like she's taking after you.

Jacy - posted on 03/20/2015

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My apologies Jodi. Honestly I did not feel as if they were being helpful. Their comments sound rude and like they are passing judgement. Like I said I truly was looking for support not finger pointing. I know we are all doing the best we can. I have found that moms who are TOTALLY truthful about motherhood are VERY hard to find. To write "I don't like my daughter" is such a vulnerable thing to say....I guess I thought I would find honesty here and the only honest thing is their words were pointing the finger at me. No one has said "I'm so sorry your going through this! That sucks! What a pain"....etc....in our business you repeat what the other person said...you empathize...then direct....it was just not my taste. Again my apologies to you, thank you for your feedback:)

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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"You all sound like the moms who pretend like everything is total bliss but your husbands are all probably cheating on you:)"

Honestly, how old are you? Really? Immaturity, much? Grow up. Noone here has been mean to you at all. If this is how you treat your child with respect, then I give up. I could go through this thread and pull out all of the comments you have made to personally insult others, while others have actually been genuinely trying to help you. No need to be such a bitch.

Here's what I see so far. You had a baby 6 months ago. Your 9 year old is pissed off. This is probably relatively recent behaviour at home from your daughter. She's jealous. She's struggling with the adjustment. She needs you to recognise that and help her through her adjustment period. That would show that you respect that she has had to make some changes in her life that YOU decided and SHE had no say over. Acknowledge that she has had to make those changes. Give her that recognition. Talk to her about it. Don't ignore it and brush it off with "She is required to adjust just like the rest of us." Of course she has to adjust, but some empathy of her position on this wouldn't kill you.

Jacy - posted on 03/20/2015

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Furthermore, I pay plenty of money for plenty of professionals and a great private school. I wasn't looking for obvious responses, I was looking for support. My mistake. You all sound like the moms who pretend like everything is total bliss but your husbands are all probably cheating on you:)

Jacy - posted on 03/20/2015

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You may not have a mean 9 year old but you/we are all on here for a reason. I can and do pay a lot of money to a lot of professionals to maintain a happy and healthy home for my entire family. I have asked her many times what's going on. If you all would read when I said I have tried EVERYTHING that's actually what I meant....just short of physical abuse or sending her away to a prep school. The reality is she does owe me respect because I show her and all of my children respect when they deserve respect. I'm not out of town her dads not an alcholic she's not being molested....she ha a 7 year old sister and 6 month old brother.... These are things that obviously will not change. She is required to adjust just like the rest of us. My family in this house is nothing but the best....she's going through a phase of needing any kind of attention even if it's negative....it will pass. But go ahead and keep rambling on about how considerate each of you are being

Jodi - posted on 03/20/2015

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Jacy, just because you are hearing what you don't really want to hear doesn't make someone a bully. The ladies have actually made some good points, and in no way did they go out of their way to insult you.

The fact is, our children don't "owe" us respect. Respect should be mutual. Yes, we do need to teach our children to live in the real world - we need to teach them mutual respect.

"So please tell me if at school as a student or at work as an employee when you act out does the teacher say....aw what's wrong? Why are you feeling this way?"

Actually, yes, as a teacher, I do ask that. I don't instantly believe the child is nasty, bad and horrible just because they have made a poor choice in their behaviour. I had a child just yesterday call a teacher a "cunt". Of course there are going to be repercussions and consequences to that, because it is highly inappropriate for ANYONE to be calling ANYONE names like that. However, for this child to have done that is really unusual, so I DID ask if something was going on, outside of the situation that triggered this behaviour. It turns out that mum had gone away for a while and he was struggling emotionally with that. Does this excuse the behaviour? Absolutely not. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't acknowledge that this particular child was struggling with some emotions and that those feelings he had don't deserve some acknowledgement and understanding. The child has been suspended for the comment, but also now knows that there are people who give a shit about how he is feeling, and next time, may well think twice before reacting this way and instead be more open to talking about his feelings with a teacher he trusts.

Jacy, the only person here who is being rude and insulting to others is you. The other ladies have actually provided you with some very valid suggestions to try, and some really good ideas. By choosing to insult them in return for their suggestions is totally out of line. You are the one struggling with your child. To then turn around when other mothers have given you some things to try and berate others for being bad parents is just pathetic. We aren't the ones with the mean 9 year old.

Jacy - posted on 03/20/2015

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Triesha and ledia....while I joinedthis forum to confide in other moms and find comfort in numbers and look for positive feedback....you two sound like uneducated bullies! I DO go to therapy, so does my husband and my daughter, we're all in it together! Furthermore, my daughter owes me respect because I am her mother! We are parents to teach our children how to live in the real world without mommy and daddy holding their hand, right? No need to answer it was rhetorical. So please tell me if at school as a student or at work as an employee when you act out does the teacher say....aw what's wrong? Why are you feeling this way? Let's get you some ice cream and talk it over? Or does your boss say to you after acting the ass please Trisha or ledia tell me how your feeling? Why are you acting this way? Let's go get a drink and talk about your feelings? Or more likely would you be written up so the employer could have on record what a pain in the ass you are? Again no need to answer, rhetorical!
I was raised to respect my elders especially my parents, I i promise u I had it way worse that my kids have it now. The problem is my fighters shitty attitude....NOT ME! Don't get it twisted because it makes you feel better about what sounds like your shitty parenting! Seriously though, Thank you so much for your posts....hearing the stupid thoughts you all have tells me why kind of parents you all are and for sure lets me know I'm a kick ass mom and all 3 of my children are lucky to have me and not you two for mothers! Praise Jesus

Trisha - posted on 03/20/2015

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I am with Ledia. It just sounds like she doesn't respect you. My suggestion is for you to go to counselling. Not her, you.
More often than not, it is the parents who are the problem. It is a very subtle balance for you to maintain to keep a child balanced and happy. Too little discipline and they get out of control. Too much, and they are horrible to deal with because they aren't given the opportunity to grow, mature and make mistakes.

Jacy - posted on 03/20/2015

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Yes I have tried to talk to her about it in a moment of calm and it has made no difference

Ledia - posted on 03/20/2015

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The things you listed that you've tried all sound like they are just punishments for being disrespectful. Have you tried rewarding her for respectful behavior? Also, what have you done to earn her respect? If you just "demand" for her to be nice, she's going to be mean just to make the point that you cannot make her do what she doesn't want to.

Build a relationship upon mutual respect, and she will respect you--you won't have to demand it.

I'm not saying treat her as an equal--you are still her mother--but you need to show her that all of your decisions and actions are intended to impact her life in a positive way.

Trisha - posted on 03/20/2015

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If she constantly feels like she is getting into trouble, she is likely building up a lot of resentment towards her family.
Have you personally sat down after an episode of "meanness" and asked her WHY she did/said what she did?
Getting angry is the quickest reaction that will occur, but if you take a few moments, and start asking her questions it may start to get her to question herself. According to the counselor my hubby and I saw, this will initiate a different part of the brain and the anger/resentment won't be stimulated to the same extent. For either you or her. It works for us. Would be worth trying, if you haven't already.

Jacy - posted on 03/20/2015

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Taking everything away, timeout, yelling, therapy....she's just not nice to her family. She's great at school...?!?!

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